SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What do i do?! The resounding question running through my head since yesterday morning when I discovered a facebook chat between my husband and his male best friend where they expressed their love for each other and how they wish they could send pics to eachother- his friend has a very basic flip phone so there was never the option to do that. We were at church where the both of them sat in Bible study right next to each other when I saw it. I immediately felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room and the questions started to flood my brain. I ranged from feeling like I needed to bust into the bible study and out them and demand answers to wondering if I could somehow pretend to not know and just keep living my seemingly happy life. I am a stay at home mom of 3 small children, the youngest of which is only 2 months old. This other man’s wife is my best friend. Our children are best friends. This man is 2 of my 3 children’s God Father. And they’ve been screwing since October 2012. My husband swears that he isn’t gay. That he doesn’t know how this happened. That he loves me and our children and that he doesn’t want to end our marriage. I am still in so much shock I don’t have a brain that semi resembles normal. I hate them both so much. I just feel absolutely numb. Every time I close my eyes I see them together and I can’t breath or make it go away. My husband and I have been together since I was 16 years old. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with. We are normal, good, Christian people who are “doing an amazing job raising our family” and now I don’t even know what that means. I don’t know what to do. I don’t work and can’t support myself and our kids financially alone but I want to take them and run as far as the tank of gas in my car will take me. I’m just so lost. My eyes burn from tears and lack of sleep, my throat is raw from yelling and I love the ass hole. I don’t want to. I want to hate him but I don’t and I do all at the same time. Is he really gay?! Will this happen again?! Is he in love with this man who up until yesterday was one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I just feel so broken and stupid and i don’t know what to do. What the hell do I do?!

Hugs and prayers for you. I am so sorry this has happened and although, I can't offer advice, I can tell you I will pray for you. I know others on here will help answer your questions.

I am so sorry to hear your story. It's like a double -- maybe triple! -- betrayal. A betrayal of what may be his true nature (which is what I'd guess is the case), a betrayal of his vows and commitment to you, a betrayal of his own family, and a betrayal of his friendship with this guy and his family, really.

Well, what do I do?

First, it's great that you found Surviving Infidelity. There will be plenty of people popping in to support you and offer advice based on their experience.

The first few weeks (months!) are awful. It's like being under fire, constant bombardment. So take good care of yourself, for your kids' sake. Remember to eat. Remember to drink water! Basic stuff like that. I found it very helpful to get some strenous exercise (maybe the endorphins?), using the treadmill at my office (crying the whole time I was walking).

And pray pray pray. You are a churchgoing Christian, so can you talk to the pastor? Or is there a pastoral counselor in your area? I found it very helpful to WRITE OUT my prayers, keeping a journal that was half prayers and half curses! God loved me through my torment, thank… God!

Your situation is so complex and difficult because of all the factors involved. Everything you wrote about your feelings is totally familiar to any of us BS types.

(((nothingleft123)))

You take care of you and the children first. Make sure you have means to care for yourself and them, and then make some decisions.

If you love your husband and you want to remain married, it is up to you to determine what you will tolerate and what your deal breakers are. If the Other Man's wife is your best friend, salvaging that relationship may require a lot of counseling and prayer.

Sit down (alone, at first) and calculate everything you know about your personal finances. Figure out whether you and the children can survive on half your husband's income.

Because the other couple is so close to you and you go to church together, counseling from church may be really uncomfortable (and depending on your church, maybe impossible.) DO GET SOME spiritual, mental, emotional support from some source, though. Individual counseling is helpful even if all it gives us is an outside perspective.

I hope and pray you are able to get through this with a stronger faith and a brighter future than you are facing today.

All the best to you,

"i"

I am so sorry. What awful pain you must feel! I hope you and your H can both find individual counseling (IC) to deal with the fallout of this. Can you possibly turn to your pastor, if you think it wouldn't be too moralistic a reaction from that quarter?

Right now, take care of yourself. Know it's not your fault. Try and be strong, if you can--I do not know what will happen, but you are not going to be able to go back to your old 'normal' life. You will have to mourn the loss of the M you had and, very possibly, confront the end of it in the future. I'm sorry to say that but with sexual identity in the mix, it is a real possibility . But I want you to know that you are going to be okay.

(((nothingleft)))) First thing to do is talk to OM's wife, who probably doesn't have a clue what's happening.It has to come out soon if you are best friends, and she really needs to know. But be prepared for her to need time alone with her H to sort themselves out, whilst you do the same with your H.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, what a painful time you are having. Please know that we are all thinking of you and hoping that you are finding a way to cope sometimes just finding a way to breathe is hard enough. It is all new to me too, so there will be others along with much better advice, but you need to give yourself time to decide what you want to happen next, dont rush into anything until you are sure it is what YOU want. Whether you can reconcile (if that is what you want) may depend on your partners reaction and whether he is prepared to put in alot of hard work. All the rules for making it work are the same really no matter what the sex of the other person. The fact that you are all good friends will make it harder as a good basis for reconciling is that there is no contact. Do you think the other wife knows? you say you are best friends, maybe you can help each other through this, only you really know if that is possible.

This is so hard for you on so many levels, please for now just think of yourself and your children and if there is anyone you trust to help you then talk to them. Unfortunately there is no magic wand, you just have to take it day by day and just deal with it one day at a time.

Please take care

(((((((hugs to you))))))))

Thank you all for your kind responses. There is part of me that feels almost obligated to try...idk. I do love him. He is an amazing father. He's always been such an amazing Christian man- he's an elder in our church for crying out loud! I want the him that I thought I knew to be my husband.. but I just dont think that's him. Lying on such a fundamental level... and what's worse is when he suspected that I saw the message (they realized that the computer screen was open to it and I had been on the computer) he was over barringly affectionate talking about how he wanted to go home and put the kids down for a nap so that we could make love. I didn't say anything all day until I couldn't hold it in anymore. He denied it at first and then lied about the seriousness until all the details just came out...or did they? I have no way of knowing. I contacted the man and told him he has until the end of the day to tell my friend or I will. I'm frantically anticipating her call or for her to show up at my house in a tizzy. I don't know what to do anymore. How to feel. Where to go. My husband has sent me no less than 20 texts begging me to stay and has called me crying from work. There is part of me that wants to just embrace hom and tell him I love him and I will help him and we will work through this...but then I close my eyes and see them together and I just want to kill them both again. I know we need to look into counseling. I know there are fundamental parts of our existence that have to change. I can't fathom the thought of being intimate with him ever again. Making the next step seems impossible especially when I don't even know what that step is.

Being on a rollercoaster of emotions and feeling diametrically opposite things is very normal. You do not need to make any major decisions now. There is no rush to immediately reconcile, immediately separate...give yourself the gift of time.

I am really sorry for you pain and bewilderment. I belonged to a fundamental Christian church when I realized my 1st husband was gay. I never actually caught him, but it became more and more evident that he had no interest in me. It was horrible.

I think you need to find someone in your faith that you can talk to about this. Especially since he is an elder. If your situation was anything like mine, your world just came apart. The church becomes a big part of your social structure and you are probably vacillating between calling him out publicly about his deception and trying to protect him by keeping his secret. It is more than anyone can bare alone.

You are in my prayers.

That's exactly how I feel, Charity!

I am so terribly sorry that you are having this nightmare become part of your reality.

Please, please, take care of yourself and your little ones, find someone you can trust to lean on, outside of your home. An IC can be the perfect place to unload, and say the things you don't feel you can say to anyone else.

Now, as far as taking care of yourself... this is another painful part of being the BS, please make an appointment immediately to be tested for all the STD's, all of them, and include Hep C.

Chances are, and again, I'm so sorry, these two haven't just decided at this stage in their lives, that they like having sex with other men. There is every reason to believe either one of them, your husband or his best friend, or both of them, have done this before.

Right now, you don't have to do anything.... other than see your Dr, take the time to process this new knowledge, you must feel like there's no one dependable around you.

What happens going forward is up to you, for some this would be just too much to try and work through, and that's ok, that's a decision you can make too, certainly no one would ever think badly of you should you decide this is more than you can deal with.

At the very least, for now, I'd insist that all and any contact between them ceases, and that the OM's wife is told in as compassionate a manner as is possible. Your H's reaction to total NC will tell you a lot about his perception of what he's done.

R is a very long and hard road, should YOU decide to go that way at some point in the future, with many bumps along the way. You have so much to deal with honey, take your time, breath, eat, sleep... love your little ones.

Remember at all times that this is not your fault, there is absolutely nothing you did or didn't do that could have prevented this or contributed to it. What your H has done is entirely on him, 100%.

Know that every one here is holding your hand, and thinking of you. Hugs.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 11:24 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Thank you! The other man'man's wife, aka my best friend, came pounding on my door 3 hours ago and fell sobbing into my arms which in turn sent me sobbing. We cried and talked and tried fervently to come to some sort of resolution but never could get past my initial question of what to so. The 4 of us are meeting tonight to talk...us with our 7 collective children down the hall...Please continue to pray for us. I at least have family here, my friend's family is half a country away..

Sending you my thoughts. I hope you and the other man's wife can be a help and support for each other through this trial.

I'll be praying for you. Is there anyone who can take your children elsewhere during this conversation? I think it is really a bad idea to have them there. Everyone's emotions are too raw. I would be very surprised if you would all be able to control your decibel levels the whole time. These kids are going to get curious.

The most horrible part of what you are enduring is that you and your friend probably feel horribly used. It is not uncommon for gay people who are in churches that are opposed to same sex relationships to get married as a means of hiding their sexuality. And you both got sucked into their deception without your knowledge.

I feel so bad for you. Sigh.

Well, hate to say I was in almost your exact situation. Except I didn't know any of the multiple men my ex was having affairs with.

I will tell you about my journey, but the basics are:

1. No straight man has sexual or emotional feelings toward another man. Period.

2. My ex is also heavily involved in the Catholic religion. He SWORE to me he "wasn't gay". Didn't want to be gay. WAS NOT GAY.

3. We did try to reconcile. Intense therapy. 2 small kids. 6 months of this where I was reeling in pain and confusion. My ex had a hidden lifestyle, hidden money, I was in shock.

4. My anger stage hit…and he couldn't' take it. He went back to one of the AP's to console him. I found out and left.

5. He went back to AP, then the following year met his "soul mate", came flying out of the closet and is now in an openly gay relationship of 2 years. Currently, my life, 4 years later…still sucks. I am glad to be on my own with my kids, in grad school and moving my life forward, but much of it still sucks.

6. My kids are trying to come to terms with a gay dad.

7. I have to tell men I date that my ex is gay.

8. I could go on.

Basically, what i learned through therapy and research and time…is that the men DO NOT WANT TO BE GAY. As my ex said, "I was just fucking them…I made love to you." They are saying they aren't gay because it is a huge deal, especially if you are religious. They fight it and fight it and fight it (the stupid ones do at least) and they drag everyone else along with them all the while saying, I'M NOT GAY. Then, they become tired of fighting…and they come out.

Most of the time they start questioning themselves around 30…then come out around 40. It is generally about a 10 year process.

My ex did have a gay experience in high school that he forgot to mention to me when we met and married. His explanation? "I fell in love with you and thought my question (am I gay?) had been answered."

You are going to have a long and tiring time in front of you. Some couples DO make it through this. I did find a group on-line that supported OPEN marriages. I did not. There are a few couples that survive knowing the H is bi/gay…but it takes a really strong man to fight his sexual urges and remain faithful.

PM me and I will do anything I can to support you. It is it's own special hell. I've had to come to terms with a lot of lies and manipulation and done a LOT of therapy. But, I have survived. EX is barely in our lives now. He pays, he sees his kids e/o weekend, but that is it. He has his partner around my kids whenever he has them and I deal with the fallout of my kids struggling.

((((nothingleft123)))) hang in there.

edited to add: I sent you a PM (personal mail) check the top of the home page...

[This message edited by cmego at 4:22 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

(((cmego)))

Nothingleft123, honey, please don't agree to anything at this "meeting"... who knows what the two men have cooked up to say, and the other BS might just be so shattered that she's ready to grasp at straws, anything, to try and regain the life you both thought you had only a couple of short days ago.

These men are very unlikely to be able to just walk away from each other, even though that's what needs to happen for there to be any chance at all for either couple. Your lives are all so intertwined with each other. Being sexually attracted to the same gender as yourself is a totally different thing to man/woman infidelity IMO.

Actually, if you are feeling pushed or pressured right now to even show up at this meeting, don't go, just don't go.

You have hardly even had time to remember how to breath right now, you need time to process what you've only just learned. Having a four way heart to heart tonight is far too soon in my opinion.

If you do go, let them do all the talking, say little yourself, listen a lot. Hopefully the other BS will do the same. I hope she isn't so distraught that she tries to influence an outcome, she might be so very scared of this information getting out that she won't be thinking straight and prepared to accept anything.

If you feel up to it, lay out what your immediate needs are... NC, in any form, WS staying somewhere else... etc... but remember you have nothing to own here, this is not your doing, not your shame to carry, that's reserved for the unfaithful, be it man or woman.

Hugs honey, lots of hugs, I know there will be a lot of us here thinking about you today, as lonely as a path this is, you now have 42,000 new friends who care.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 4:39 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

My thoughts are with you and your BF. My sister had 3 sons with her husband, an abusive idiot. She came out about age 40. And actively lives with a woman. Your situation is far more difficult and affects 2 close families. I'm not sure God realized how difficult the 21st century would be for all of us.I hope he does now. We are all praying for you and both families.

Thank you all for your continued support. I wish I had read the most recent comments before we talked. I wish I had said less. I blabbered like an idiot about everything... said some very hateful things. Leaving and staying both seem so impossible right now. The other man revealed that he has been bi - sexual since he was 4 and that he pounced on my husband during a weak time and make him feel better than anyone else ever could. My husband said he'd never ever had thoughts about other men. The other man said that he isn't going to lie that he still wants and loves my husband but my husband said he doesn't. He's saying all the right things but I don't trust him at all. I worry so much about my children. What is best for them....I've gotten 2 hours of sleep in the last 48 and I just can't sleep. I can't breath. I'm just a shell of a person. I told them that they will never know what they have taken from me and my friend...and they won't but I will live with it every day.

I'm so very sorry.