What do you guys think? I'm still thinking no, probably not a good idea, she's out of our lives, why give her another lifeline to him? But I'd like to hear others' opinions. Thanks very much.
I'm not sure what to suggest, there are much more experienced and knowledgeable people on there that may have a suggestion.
We drafted a NC letter together, my concern still lies in that he physically handed to her, not mailed it, and I still question whether he ever did.
He could write the letter for you to read.
If he wants to prove his love to you he could read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discuss with you how these books do or do not apply to your M and his A.
He could keep you updated with his IC where he is working out his issues (he is in IC isn't he?).
He could apologize to you in front of any family or friends who were aware of his A.
The new letter will show that she is still on your minds when indifference is the goal. It could be used as an excuse for new contact.
That's what I was thinking.... She's waiting to swoop back in. She already tried to break NC last month by liking a work-related tweet of his through the company where she works' Twitter account that she manages. H has blocked her personal Twitter account and now this company is blocked too.
He starts IC this week with our MC. We've read some books together and he is reading on his own too, which shows me that he at least cares enough to do that.
Taking things slowly....
The only AP we didn't send one to was the one whose BS told me in the first place. H had done his own version with all of them but we did them again together. We've never heard from any of them since.
No we haven't sent the letter. My instinct is not to and MC has recently agreed. Idk... My gut tells me if we show any interest (pos or neg) she get off on the attention. Empathy and moral levels of the OW are wayyyy off.
I do like the idea of H writing one to have for me to know his thoughts and also to have on hand to send later should I change my mind.
I would almost think that it would work better if the NC letter was initially written by your WS on his own. The act of writing it on his own might be revealing insofar as the words and phrases that he would pick to communicate NC could serve to illustrate his views on this issue.
After he wrote it, I think that you should get a chance to sit down with your H and make any edits that you feel would improve on the letter. For instance, you can insist that stronger working be incorporated in the letter in order to properly set the tone.
Only once you are satisfied as to the words and tone of the letter, should you then seal it the envelope. I would think that the closing point in the NC letter would include a paragraph that clearly states that any breakage of NC would result in legal steps being taken. The threat of a RO would go a long way in ensuring that the OW would reconsider any trolling.
Just some thoughts ...
The trouble with communication of any kind, is that no matter what you say, they can twist it around to mean something they want to hear.
So, silence is usually the best course. Hard to misinterpret that.
We have the same situation with the phone call. And worse, I TOLD him to do it. It's the biggest mistake I made in all this....he was still foggy and the call was not at all in the spirit of a NC letter.
It still drives me crazy, but I know any further contact would be worse...so, oh well. And BLAH.
The advice I got from my post was more in favour of NOT sending an official NC. But hey, you can see for yourself on the post what people have to say and why.
I would like my H to write a NC letter now - not to send - but I would like it on paper to read. It might somehow comfort me given that I was not there for that initial call.
[This message edited by LA44 at 9:57 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]