SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Thank you for saying something

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Crescita posted 2/10/2014 10:33 AM

I’ve been battling “cool girlfriend” syndrome since I started dating. It’s really, really difficult for me to voice opinions or concerns that might cast me in a negative light. Heaven forbid any hypothetical person might find me crazy, controlling, jealous or a nag.

Lately my SO and I have been spending a lot of time with a couple, his friends. We get along great, and I love the girl, but she is attractive, and has a lot in common with my SO that I don’t, and most communication between the couples is through her and my SO. I don’t think anything is going on, her husband and I both work during the day, she and my SO are both home, no flirting between them, but as we get closer and spend more time together, I just got this niggling feeling. Isn’t this how the slope starts? If not her, doesn’t it still set a precedent for what is okay between opposite sex friends?

I’d been planning to post here about it, figure out if I was being a first class baggage handler, or if my concerns were worth mentioning. This weekend I mentioned it to SO and friend. They were shockingly, amazingly, really, really great about it. They both reassured me that there was nothing going on, they understood where I was coming from and apologized if it appeared otherwise. She thanked me for letting her know it made me uncomfortable and said she would start contacting me instead.

I suppose it wasn’t very “cool” of me to pretend to be okay with something when I wasn’t. Sometimes I have to give people more credit for being able to respect my boundaries. I probably shouldn’t be, but I’m surprised. Faith in humanity is being restored.

thyme2go posted 2/10/2014 11:15 AM

IMHO they should have known better - you should not have had to say anything to them.


-t2g

Crescita posted 2/10/2014 11:47 AM

IMHO they should have known better - you should not have had to say anything to them.

I agree to an extent. I have a friend who is easier to reach through her husband. It's not chatting, just planning get-togethers. Every couple of months, it's not a big deal, but weekly it is more inappropriate I think. That was the case here, but I didn't really know the extent of their communication because I don't go through his phone. It starts innocently, but increased frequency of meeting up just made me worry it would lead to a more familiar level.

Helen of Troy posted 2/10/2014 12:00 PM

Do you feel an EA brewing between them when you four are together?
There's your answer.

Crescita posted 2/10/2014 14:15 PM

Do you feel an EA brewing between them when you four are together?
There's your answer.

No, their interactions are more sibling like, not at all intimate in nature. It's more the precedent that concerned me. We're all happy and comfortable in our respective relationships, now, but that is not always likely to be the case. Also, if it's okay with her, why not with some other girl? I'm more comfortable nipping it in the bud than having to vet all friends.

Sad in AZ posted 2/10/2014 14:57 PM

I know my stance is unpopular on these boards, but even though the X's A started as 'just friends', I still don't have a problem with cross-gender friendships. The X and I were together from the age of 17, but most of our mutual friends were my friends long before. I've known one of the guys since we were 6 and another since we were 12, and I had no problem talking to them outside my relationship and marriage, even discussing dating/relationship issues. It was often good to get the male perspective.

I wouldn't see their friendship as a potential issue, and I think your thought process could set you up for trouble. I'm referring to your assumption that because the female is "attractive", she is a potential threat. How many times were other members blindsided by A's that involved people they felt were downright ugly?

It would probably be a dealbreaker for me if a new SO felt my male friends were 'inappropriate'. I'm glad your SO doesn't have this issue, but for myself, I'd feel uncomfortable limiting an SO's friendships.

thyme2go posted 2/10/2014 16:04 PM

Sad - I agree that one should be able to be friends with members of the opposite gender. I have many. However, my brother's story over the past four years pretty much is a counterpoint for all the reasons you listed. And they are both IC/MC/Family therapists. What they have taught me is that pretty much no situation is perfectly safe. If there is a will there is a way and in most cases there is nothing that the betrayed can do to stop it. He is now divorced and his OW just got separated and is heading for D. Two more families destroyed...

His story makes me ill just thinking about it.

Cresita is wise to react to her gut which I think may be talking ot her right now.


-t2g

Crescita posted 2/10/2014 17:06 PM

I wouldn't see their friendship as a potential issue, and I think your thought process could set you up for trouble. I'm referring to your assumption that because the female is "attractive", she is a potential threat. How many times were other members blindsided by A's that involved people they felt were downright ugly?

It would probably be a dealbreaker for me if a new SO felt my male friends were 'inappropriate'. I'm glad your SO doesn't have this issue, but for myself, I'd feel uncomfortable limiting an SO's friendships.

Sad, I get what you are saying, and I agree to some extent. The fact that this is more of a burgeoning friendship is what was pinging me the most. I’m not trying to end it. I enjoy hanging out with them. I was just concerned that things were getting too comfortable. We’ve gone from hanging out every couple of months to almost every weekend. They weren’t chatting regularly when we started dating, and he is her husband’s friend first so them regularly calling and texting was throwing me a bit.

I know I can’t control the situation, that isn’t my intent. It was just nice that they both understood and respected that I was a little uncomfortable with it. It made me feel like my friendship with her, and my relationship with him were more valuable to them than touching base with each other during the week.

SeanFLA posted 2/10/2014 18:15 PM

IMHO they should have known better - you should not have had to say anything to them.

Sorry to disagree with this statement. She is not a mindreader at what either of them might be thinking about one another. I think this gets many more A's going then anything else. Because we are afraid to say something as to spoil some friendship. It's good that they were OK with the conversation, especially if they understand your past and the hell you went through. Don't ever feel bad about it. I'm proud you stood up for your feelings. Obviously you've grown a lot as an individual not to stand for any crap.. You recognize possible red flags now.

thyme2go posted 2/10/2014 18:47 PM

Sorry to disagree with this statement. She is not a mindreader at what either of them might be thinking about one another.

You missed my point - they should not have been having contact such as they were. Thus, she should not have been in a position to have to say anything.

-t2g

absolut posted 2/10/2014 21:47 PM

I agree with T2G. I think sometimes BS's have the same boundary problems as waywards, we carry them into new relationships, & then try to convince ourselves we're just "insecure" or something. Frankly I think most of us gaslight ourselves before the W ever comes along.

Why do these 2 people need to talk so frequently? I have female friends and I would never get their husbands on the phone unless it was an emergency, same with my sisters' husbands, my BIL's. And why every weekend with another couple?

Crescita posted 2/10/2014 23:42 PM

I meant for this to be a positive post...maybe I'm confusing everyone because I'm usually so negative

I'm happy with friends, happy with SO, not trying to be controlling or a doormat, just finding a balance and getting positive feedback and its a nice change.

My xWH once told me a female friend would be visiting from out of town and she would grab his ass and I had to be ok with it because that was just who she was. Its just night and day that being uncomfortable with that turned into a big argument.

Everyone is going to have their own boundaries and opinions on this, but its being able to understand and respect the boundaries of the people you are close to that's important.

persevere posted 2/10/2014 23:59 PM

I think it's a good thing that you were able to discuss the concern openly and that it was received as it should have been in an innocent situation.

And the most important thing is that you feel better about it now. I hope I can handle this type of issue similarly. Thank you Crescita!

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.