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She was my friend

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Breezy150 posted 2/10/2014 13:08 PM

My husband was going through a midlife crisis and I could see that, he had no self esteem. We have been married 24 years and renewed our wedding vows two months before the A started. It lasted about three weeks over Christmas. That is the kicker, on Christmas two years before that 7 men broke into my sons house to kill him, they almost succeeded but his best friend intervened and was murdered. I became obsessed with the court cases and getting justice for my son and his friend, while my husband pretended nothing happened.
Now I feel like my life is out of control, he did this over Christmas which was when we needed him the most, and she was my friend, we had vacationed together, she had been to my house for dinner.
This is all brand new to me and I feel so lost, I don't see how it is possible to ever forgive him, as much as I do want to work things out, and grow stronger from all of this.
I know not to make any decisions while I am still so raw, but sometimes it seems a lot easier to give up than to fight.
Somewhere I found the strength to fight during the aftermath of the murder, and I have even forgiven the murderers (which some of them were my sons friends also).
I guess I am looking for any advice. If I can forgive murderers why do I feel so weak to forgive my husband.
He has been completely honest with me and complied with every demand I have made of him, he has cooperated in every sense. There is no contact with the other woman. And I still feel so little and weak.

Tred posted 2/10/2014 13:23 PM


You are in shock - you have been traumatized. Take a second and breathe. Betrayal of any form is traumatizing, adding the double betrayal is just layering on the pain. The good news is you don't have to do anything right now. Just focus on you. Take your time to get your footing.

I'm really sorry you are here, but glad you found SI. Take time to read in the The Healing Library - the link is on the upper left. There is a ton of good material in there. And post here a lot - let your feelings out.

Breezy150 posted 2/10/2014 13:31 PM

Thank you, I don't feel nearly as crazy as I did before finding SI. I will take your advice and run with it.

norabird posted 2/10/2014 13:49 PM

I am so sorry. As Tred said, you do not need to decide anything now. You are in the thick of a storm, just trying to weather it out moment by moment and day by day.

Was it your husband who told you? Does the husband of the OW, if she is married?

It will be a long road ahead no matter what but you can walk it. It is no fair to have to deal with this, but you've proven how strong you are in the past--remember that and trust yourself to survive this.

jb3199 posted 2/10/2014 14:01 PM

Sorry that you find yourself here, Breezy.

If I can forgive murderers why do I feel so weak to forgive my husband.

I would assume that you did not forgive the murderers right away; it probably took some time.

Like Tred said--you have been traumatized. You have been betrayed in one of the worst ways by the one you were closest to. Add the fact that his cheating partner was a friend of yours, and the betrayal is that much deeper.

Please keep reading and keep posting. It really can help.

Breezy150 posted 2/10/2014 14:59 PM

My husband confessed to ow husband first, then asked for one week to tell me himself, otherwise the ow husband was going to. I have met with him to make sure we were both being told the whole truth and it seems that we are.
You are right it took almost two years for me to forgive the murderers, and I haven't even gotten there with all of them yet, the two that show no remorse I still haven't quite forgiven.
Thank you for reminding me that everything takes time. Sometimes it's hard to think rationally when you are in so much pain.

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