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tryingagain74 posted 2/10/2014 15:47 PM

I think it's slowly getting through my thick skull. I can't ever count on XWH to be the least bit generous or helpful unless it suits him in some way (frees him up, accommodates his schedule, makes him look good, etc.). DS #2 got sick on Saturday afternoon and finally seems better today. Not knowing how long he'd be sick, I wrote XWH to see if he would watch DS #2 on Tuesday night when DS #1 has his first ever band concert. Of course, XWH said no way-- he wants to be there to "support" DS #1. (Funny... a great way to support your kids is not to sleep around behind their mother's back and break up their family as a consequence... I'm pretty sure my kids would rather have us together than have us at band concerts.)

Now, I'm not saying that XWH shouldn't be at any concerts. Of course he should. What I find frustrating is that I'm the one who rented DS #1's instrument, drove him to and from private lessons this summer, gets him to practice every week, etc. Of course I also want to see the culmination of all of this effort. But, if DS #2 is sick, I certainly can't ask someone to babysit him, which is what XWH told me to do. My parents are getting older, and the less they are exposed to nasty viruses, the better. Two of my siblings have young children at home that could get sick. The other is working that night. That leaves me asking a friend or a babysitter, and frankly, I think that's rude. Hey, come on over to my house-- hope you don't get sick!

But XWH doesn't care. He's just made it clear that he's going and isn't staying home for any reason. It doesn't matter to him that he's had very little involvement in DS #1's first major foray into music. He's going to be there to get the glory. If I miss it, oh well. It's just his first big concert ever. No biggie. I get to do the heavy lifting in preparation for the concert, and he gets to sit back and reap the rewards while I'm at home cleaning up vomit.

Like I said... I'm just venting. I'm not going to change him. But I'm damn tired of dealing with him and can't believe that I have to do so for the next umpteen years. And of course, he's barely asked about how DS #2 is doing and certainly didn't ask if I needed anything or if he could help.

Phew. Thanks for reading. I needed to get that off of my chest. I hope and pray that my children and I stay in good health for the next couple of decades. I can only imagine how terribly unhelpful he will be in a true crisis. I wonder if I will ever attain the state of "meh" when he keeps behaving this selfishly.

devistatedmom posted 2/10/2014 15:50 PM

I would take sick kid to the concert and tell him to go sit with his dad.

Virginiagirl posted 2/10/2014 16:21 PM

I would like to point out, also, that kids are very perceptive and believe you me, they know damn well who is there for them on a daily basis and who is just showing up to the final event. It might feel like he is just getting the glory, without the daily grind... But know, in your heart, that you are getting the real glory by being there for them, day in, day out. Nothing replaces that!

stronggirl72 posted 2/10/2014 17:35 PM

Did he really ask you to not be there? Ugh.

My DS also plays an instrument, and since I have custody most of the time I am the one who does the heavy lifting (in every way, shape and form). However, I would never even think to ask XH to miss his son's concert. I guess I just assume that because I am the primary caregiver I will do the day-to-day coordination of things like projects, rehearsals, etc. Besides, I really like having that control.

Was the concert during the day, or at night? If at night, could there have been another option like having DS asleep (or reading) in bed while a sitter watched him from a less germy place in the house (like downstairs)?

[This message edited by stronggirl72 at 6:50 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

Whalers11 posted 2/10/2014 19:22 PM

I would not have an issue with watching a sick kid for a friend or relative under those circumstances.

nowiknow23 posted 2/10/2014 19:25 PM

Ditto what Whalers said. I would and HAVE watched sick kids for friends in very similar situations.

The concert isn't an all day thing, right? A couple of hours with a sick kid? Piece of cake.

tryingagain74 posted 2/10/2014 19:47 PM

Fortunately, DS #2 was much better today, so I think he'll be able to attend the concert tomorrow night. I would just feel terrible if my kid passed on something to someone. It knocked him out for 48 hours, and I know that kids are often more resilient when dealing with illness than adults are. My kids once brought home a cold that I got which then became bronchitis. A great GF of mine volunteered without my even asking, and DS #2 loves her, so I could have asked her if I really had to. I just love how she was willing to do it and his own father wasn't because he's entitled to do whatever he wants.

If he showed more interest in my kids' lives, this would be a whole different matter, but since he only shows up to high-profile events where he can look like a good dad, I don't feel the least bit guilty asking him to miss a concert. Attending the concert is all about him, not about DS #1. It's all about playing the role so he can tell his mommy what a good father he is and show CommandOwife how caring and involved he is.

Honestly, at the end of the day, DS #1 would probably be slightly disappointed if XWH didn't show up to a concert. But I can tell you this-- every concert we've since attended separately, my kids scan the crowd until they see ME, and then they are all smiles.

Yipes! I'm on a tear this evening. I think it's because I can't stand the thought of being in the same auditorium as those two skanks. This will be the first time ever that I've had to deal with this, so I'm feeling stressed out. Wish me luck. At least I will have family with me.

Gemini71 posted 2/10/2014 21:20 PM

Good luck and enjoy the concert for your DS#1's sake. My DS just had his 2nd ever band concert and I couldn't go because I was sick as a dog. So DS gave me a private performance in our living room before the concert and I recruited his grandparents to stand in for me at the actual event.

You can and will find a way to make the evening special for your DS#1. It's being there for the practices and driving them when the instrument is too big for the bus that makes the concerts special.

suckstobeme posted 2/11/2014 04:31 AM

I'll vent right along with you - he's a dick!!!! A total dick with no respect for you or your relationship with your children. Everything to this asshole is a competition and he's like a tantruming child every single time he feels threatened.

He knows that your presence there would mean more to DS1 so he took the shot to try to sabotage it. He knows that the performance is just the tip of the icing. He knows that it's all about the practices, and rehearsing for mom at home, and talking about the show, buying the clothes for the show, and celebrating with ice cream after. He can show up to every performance he wants - he still will never really be involved and he's scared because he knows the kids are starting to realize that.

I'm glad DS2 is better so you will be able to go to the show. And don't worry about those two skanky losers being there - just hold your head high and be the classy lady you are.