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Roll call: would you take them back and under what conditions?

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careerlady posted 2/10/2014 16:41 PM

Some recent posts got me wondering. Suppose you opened the door and your ex or STBX was there on bended knee, contrite. Would you give them a pathway to R? What would it be? Or DID you already leave a pathway to R when you left them or they left you? If so what was it? I haven't given a pathway. I don't know my answer. But I wanna hear yours.

StillLivin posted 2/10/2014 16:51 PM

I offered him R. He gobbled it up, for about 2 months. He fell of the wagon, but while in Afghanistan. When he came home, he informed me he was leaving me in the morning. Surprise, the process server showed up at 0700 and gave him his walking papers (LS only). I left for work with him telling me how sneaky I was and how I had kept secrets from him. I gave him the "look" and informed him that HE had decided to leave.
Before shutting the door, I told him that we are only LS that does NOT give him a free pass to go screw around. I told him that if he walked out that door, he wouldn't come back unless he was willing to come back correct and ready to do the hard work. I made it clear, that if he used that time to go screw women, all bets were off the table for R.
He moved her to our state 2/3 days later.
End of story.
However, had he really used the time to "get his head right with God", and NOT brought her here, so long as he was willing to go to counseling, full disclosure and transparency, I would have taken him back.....but NOT unitl he had been to at least 6 months of IC first.

solus sto posted 2/10/2014 16:53 PM


There is nothing in this world that would induce me to take Trac-Fone back.

Nothing, ever.

roarlouder posted 2/10/2014 16:54 PM

I've thought about this. Even if he showed up a totally different person - not insecure, not narcisstic, not materialistic, humble, not entitled, new friends- I don't think I would. I would just think it was a well rehearsed act.

If this ever happened unicorns would also likely be real, so I don't need to give it much thought.

newlysingle posted 2/10/2014 17:06 PM

Never. He walked away and have us no opportunity for R at all. He had no remorse whatsoever. I realize now that it was a blessing. I didn't have to deal with the abuse of false R.

I don't miss him at all and know that I deserve better.

BrokenDaisy posted 2/10/2014 17:11 PM

Never. He can stand on his head and whistle apologies through his asshole and I won't even fucking blink.

I did go through false R though but back then I didn't even know 1% of the whole story. If I had all the info on dday 1 I would've never given him a chance. I'm sure of it. My only reason for giving him a chance was because I wanted my son to have a father in his daily life. Now I know what a danger xwh is and I regret every second my son was exposed to him. I'll never forgive myself for it.

So no there is absolutely nothing that could ever convince me to take him back. Ever.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 5:20 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

sage2004 posted 2/10/2014 17:15 PM

I could not take him back now, too much water under the bridge. To many missed opportunities at R and he failed every time and always made it worse. I told him when I was giving him chances that actions speak louder than words. I would need for him to come to me to bring up the talks of A, that we would need to talk it out, that I was not sure of how long it would take but I would need to feel that he was truly remorseful not just sorry he got caught. I would need him to treat me like his wife and not one of his girlfriends we would make plans together for our future, we would be more open and both learn to communicate better. I had other issues with him besides the affairs, he never wanted to go out, have fun, do anything for that matter, I always felt like I was dragging him through life and he was always depressed, I always would find ways to surprise him, make him smile, I told him I wanted to feel the same from him. I would pay for everything for our home, I did the renovations, maintenance, he spent his money on toys or bragged about how much money he could save. I took the MIL on all of our trips, every time I planned getaways for us as a couple my MIL would suddenly come down with the flu or say she saw angels and she believed they were coming to take her to heaven, so my Husband would bring her to everything I had planned for us. I never said anything about it even though he never met my family, never even wanted to they lived 3000 miles away. I work a very high stress job, but I never mentioned a word to him about how rough my work days were. It was always about him. I asked him to tell OW #2 that she was to leave me alone (she was threatening me) and his version of telling her that was an email to her saying how sorry he was for the pain he had caused her??
He wants me still to this day, even though I have bought a new home, I do NC I work too much to have much of a life so my life is the same just he is not in it. But even if he showed up down on one knee or actually rode a unicorn over to my house to beg me for R, I know what I would be getting back. Life is too short.

WestMonroe91 posted 2/10/2014 17:46 PM

When I first suspected that WW was having an A, I was distraught or what I call being in an emotional vortex. So what was on my mind was to keep our family together. Now, that I don't care anymore and have already filed for D, I can say unequivocally that I would not take her back. It is in my personality that even if we tried to make it work, that I would throw it in her face every time I felt it warranted and that would not be conducive to R.
I just think that an A is a deal breaker. When what I call the innocence of marriage, where intimacy was to be shared ONLY between us, that when WW crossed the line, it was finished. I now see WW as spoiled fruit or a used toy. So I am waiting for the court hearing so I can discard it.

[This message edited by WestMonroe91 at 5:48 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

stronggirl72 posted 2/10/2014 17:56 PM

Oh, gosh...never.

He had so many opportunities to have a successful marriage (years of counseling, late-night talks, co-reading books, etc.) while we were married.

He ultimately bought his ticket to leave the marriage, so I let him.

kernel posted 2/10/2014 17:57 PM

No. I finally got to the point that I knew this for sure about a year ago. It took 3 years to get there. I am not willing to invest another minute in him.

myowndystopia posted 2/10/2014 17:58 PM

I never said I would take him back, and don't know that I would have but I was willing to give R a try with conditions- MC for us both, IC for him (I'm already in IC), full disclosure, full transparency. When I said there would be conditions and didn't know if he would be willing or even capable of doing the conditions he said no he couldn't before he ever heard them. I knew then he had no intentions of R. There continues to still be no remorse- it's still all my fault. Of course he has spent a long time convincing himself that what he was doing was ok and justified it in his mind any way he could that he now 100% believes that. Basically, not only does he lie to others- he lies to himself!

PhantomLimb posted 2/10/2014 18:10 PM

My conditions were NC and quitting the job. He couldn't maintain or do either-- so I walked.

I think I would have taken him back up until about 4-6 months after DDay. I found out in April, we S in May and I filed in July, done by October. I can remember still being in pretty bad shape by the end of October (still depressed and pretty emotionally desperate). So I think I was still vulnerable.

But by November I was back on the job market and working full time again and that, coupled with NC and time started to turn me around.

I still hate what's happened to us and I think fondly back on the man I M. That said, one of my biggest sorrows now is that I know not only can I never take him back... but NC has been such a life-saver and so productive that I don't think I can ever talk to him again at this point.

Another factor for me is that I never really "hit anger" because I S/D so fast. The only time I really got enraged was when he broke NC with me a little over a month ago via email. I hit the effing roof to a degree that didn't really make sense given that he was just contacting me to inform me of a (former) family member's death. But that's when I realized that it's probably a very, very, very bad idea for me to ever see him again.

If I opened the door and he was out there... I just hope there isn't a blunt instrument within reach.

sunsetslost posted 2/10/2014 18:11 PM

Nope. A single conversation sealed it for me two weeks after d day.

Her: "When is it appropriate to take off the rings?"

Me: "Wy, does it bother him?"

Her: " Well, he asked....."


IrishLass518 posted 2/10/2014 18:11 PM

Would I take him back and under what conditions? After I suffered a severe head trauma that caused me to forget everything.

I could never be with him again, I could be civil with him if OWifetress wasn't meddling in the middle. I think that civil is the best he can hope for after what he has done and said and honestly it would be for the kids. So that IrishLad could have both of his parents at high school graduation and other special times.

nowiknow23 posted 2/10/2014 18:19 PM

HELL no.

Dreamboat posted 2/10/2014 18:30 PM

Suppose you opened the door and your ex or STBX was there on bended knee,

Round house kick right in the jaw...

littlefoggy posted 2/10/2014 18:34 PM

Nope. Never. No way.

Eta. I used to say it would take severe amnesia to get me to take him back. And even then, he would have to hope I didn't find my journal.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 6:36 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

risingfromashes posted 2/10/2014 18:44 PM

He had his chance but it was false R for years. There is nothing he could do, even with the help of divine intervention, that would convince me to even allow him to take a step into my home. Guess that rules out reconciliation. I am so happy without him!

Amazonia posted 2/10/2014 18:59 PM


Okay, kidding aside, I do remember being in that place, hoping to come home and find him on the front step with an apology, and going back and forth in my head about whether I'd cuss him out or punch him in the nuts or give him conditions of reconciliation. It's a tough place to be.

Now though, the very thought of willingly going back near his level of disfunction is laughable.

tryingagain74 posted 2/10/2014 19:03 PM

No way.

I put up with a LOT of his crap over the years. He could be embarrassing, rude, condescending, moody... but I loved him and knew that I wasn't perfect, and I always thought that love was about taking the good with the bad.

After he had an A? After several months of having sex with me while also having unprotected sex with a bored, spoiled housewife that he met on AM? Good god, NO. Add to the previous list of bad qualities that now he's also a liar, a cheat, a selfish pig, a man who clearly didn't care about his children or have any respect for himself, let alone me...

No thanks. He and CommandOwife may enjoy each other's brokenness ever after.

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