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Newest Member: OZARK88 (61168)

User Topic: My brain won't shut off!
♀ 41575
Member # 41575
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just keep thinking about it. My brain is constantly going. I am consumed all day by it. I cant listen to the radio because so many songs are triggers. T.v. forget it. It is like everywhere I turn there are people having sex or kissing and I start to cry.
I take the baby and dog for a walk and just feel like I am on auto pilot. I sleep and I wake up from the dreams I am having of them together.

This sux so much.

Together 18 years
Married 7 years
2 kids
D-day 12-7-13
Both currently in counseling
Trying to R

I am a warrior!
I will survive and thrive!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry you're hurting. Your dday was pretty recent and everything you are going through is normal. You're probably sick of hearing it, but it will get better with time.

I had the same problem with music, which sucked because I love music and always have something playing. Everything just made me sad. Finally I dug out some CD's of 80s music, happy bouncy stuff I loved back in high school that had zero connection to XWH for me. Do you have an old favorite you can revisit? The other thing I did was play a lot of my Zumba music, since the lyrics are in Spanish. Of course, if you speak Spanish, then nevermind.

Tv and movies can be so hard. Sex scenes, kissing, cuddling, hand holding... Gah! Alllll of it upset me. Not to mention infidelity related plots/scenes, which are frigging everywhere. It's just sick. Anyway, not long after dday, I started watching Game of Thrones. Everyone I knew was going on and on about it, so I thought what the heck and bought the first season on DVD. Best thing I could have done. Yes, there is some sex, romance and even infidelity. But the whole universe of that story is so far from every day reality, I just got lost in it. I was really sucked into it, and I realized that was the only time my brain let go of all the other stuff. Maybe try to find something similar, totally immersive and not based in reality. And just let yourself get lost.

I remember being where you are. You're right, it sucks. Big time. But you will get through it. It will get better. Hang in there and keep taking good care of yourself.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords

Posts: 1857 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
♀ 42356
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain AERO..... I have the same problems right now with being unable to shut my brain off. I have developed terrible sleeping patterns from not being able to shut off my thoughts as well as the nightmares.... It has been a struggle... in regards to everywhere you look.... I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! You have been heard! And we are here for you HUGS

"A tree falls the way it careful which way you lean"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 41219
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could help. I know those feelings all too well. I am still on auto-pilot alot of the time. It does get better, just focus on you and your kids.
The only music I can really listen to without triggering is Christian-rock!

Just wanted to let you know your not alone. (((aero1122)))

Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice but wanted you to know you are not alone. I did use ambien for awhile because my brain kept on all night and sleep was impossible. As my situation became more clear, the stress came down too; that will happen for you too, though I know you want relief now, not at some distant point. Anything you find relaxing is good to indulge in now--bubble baths, candles, manicures? It's hard because at all times your mind keeps going . I'm sorry you are going through this. Avoid tv and music for now and focus on the few healing or relaxing influences you can find. Autopilot can feel sad and empty, but it is a legit coping mechanism in its own right too.

I hope you have friends to turn to or a good IC.

Sending peace.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:38 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 41575
Member # 41575
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. My counselor has been helping me greatly and being able to vent here and know I am not alone is comforting.

I wish I could take something to help me sleep but I am alone with the kids most nights so I would be afraid to. The only music I can listen to has been my daughters toddler I will try some of your suggestions.

Together 18 years
Married 7 years
2 kids
D-day 12-7-13
Both currently in counseling
Trying to R

I am a warrior!
I will survive and thrive!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 42409
Member # 42409
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have no words of wisdom but I do relate. I am fortunate to be in a profession that doesn't allow me a moment to think about anything else for about 10 hours of the day at least, so that saves me from thinking about things constantly. However, those drives to and from work (particularly on the way home for some reason) are filled with mental questions, mind pictures and those same sudden tears also triggered by songs I hear. I am only 4 months into this journey myself, but I will say that I don't spend quite as much time as I used to thinking about things, so maybe it does get better?

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
♂ 42196
Member # 42196
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always had problems shutting off my brain. I know how you are feeling right now. Music is the same way, I can't even pull out the old stuff because there always seems to be that one lyrics in there. She pisses me off because she doesn't listen to the words.I did have some success with classical, but that didn't last long.

We keep getting told it will get better. Have to believe it and keep on moving.

Me: BS 34
Her: WS 32
13 years of marriage
15 years together
3 kids
DDay:January 16, 2014

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NW US
♀ 41218
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aero1122, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know that feeling of the racing mind and I wanted to share with you what worked for me.

I too struggled with waking in the middle of the night with those same thoughts. As uncomfortable as I was initially with the idea of ADs a prescription for Lexapro finally helped me stop ruminating through the night.

And I also couldn't listen to the radio without getting upset... until I figured out what I like to think of as the "Musical 180."

Listen to music you would normally NEVER listen to. I spent weeks listening to speed metal, terrible frat boy rap rock, classic arena rock, electronic dance music, 1940s big band... anything unfamiliar. I think I spent a couple of days on the Ozzy Osbourne channel on my satellite radio.

It sounds insane but it really worked.

[This message edited by TheThreeYearFool at 10:02 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
♂ 42430
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya! I've gotten about 3 hours sleep a day since DDay 3 weeks ago. Try not to even go to bed until I'm so exhausted I'll drop. Inevitably, I'll wake up a couple hours later and can't turn the brain off after that

But that's just opinion, man. I could be wrong.

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
♀ 34770
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to Aero and all of you newbies, I'm sorry. yes, it hurts like hell.

No one deserves to go through these feelings, yet go through them you must. And when the pain begins to feel less sharp, you will be stronger.

It took me such a long time to accept that what was happening to me was just NOT FAIR. It isn't fair, so don't even bother to try to figure that out. I thought that maybe if only I had done things differently.... Don't go there either. Nothing you could have done would have made a difference to our spouses choices. I wish....I should have....If only.....

Pointless. It is what it is. Now you must soothe yourself and get strong. take comfort in those that love you and find the strength for yourselves and your children if you have any.

I know that what you really want to hear is how to make the pain go away. I'm sorry that I can't tell you that. I do know that it becomes less intense though, and even manageable.

Go easy on yourselves. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. And when you begin to feel better, allow yourselves to feel that too.

Again, I am so sorry. And we are always here for you.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 41886
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please know you are not alone. I am less than 2 months out from Dday. My mind is only off when I am at work and busy. I am taking an OTC sleep aid. I think NyQuil makes it. It helps on those nights when the mind won't shut off. Everything seems to be a trigger too. I used to like to watch that mindless Bachelor show and now I just can't stomach it! 😳
There are some good suggestions posted here that I will try too. I started listening to some obscure alternative folk and rock stuff that I knew nothing about previously on the Songza app. That has helped with music not triggering. I also started watching some cartoons like the old Looney Tunes with my son before he goes to bed. It helps too.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember the first year and that is exactly what was going on. From the moment before I fell asleep to the moment after I woke up, I thought of nothing else. It was exausting. I lost weight, started drinking, and just rationalizing it 24/7.

You finally have to decide to be at peace with thinking about it 24/7 because it is not going to stop anytime soon. Just relax and let the toughts come. If your husband is willing, set aside an hour every few days to talk about the affair. Try and be calm during those talks.

Get to a MC and some IC sessions will help also. Read the stuff in the healing library. What you are going through, thousands of people have gone through. You are not alone and you are not crazy.

It is three years for me and I still think about it every day, but not all day. It does get better but time is the only thing that makes it better. Hugs. K

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 42406
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read up on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That's what we go through.

Most sources say that it occurs after a "violent event," but we are starting to understand that emotional violence can be as traumatic as any other sort. The first thing our MC explained to my husband was PTSD. I was sort of surprised as I always thought of it as something from physical trauma, but the more I read the clearer it became.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the same issues and I was in my final semester of college in my most difficult courses at the time. I couldn't concentrate on lectures or anything I need to do. What helped me was to start journaling. I carried a journal with me everywhere and if I had an obsessive thought I couldn't let go of, I wrote it down so I could come back to it later when I had time to really obsess about it. This allowed me to let go long enough to complete the necessary tasks and parent the kids. It might work for you.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 6041 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Southeast
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is exactly how I feel. Couldn't have explained it any better. Right now I do listen to music but it's angry music, probably not good for me but it helps for now.
I just take it one day at a time, I don't make plans too far out because I don't know what will be a good day or a bad day. Just hang in there for now, let some time pass, and things should get better.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sending you some strength!

It does get better in time. I know it sucks to hear that and you probably think "how can they all say that!?"

But it's the truth.

Just remember, its not your fault, you did nothing wrong.

Eat well, get rest and read the healing library

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 33
WBF: 30
Together 10 years
1 doggie, 1 Cat
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...Working at it every day.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 32660
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm with fightingback- It takes a long time. I totally understand where you are at this time. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone-- except all OW!
It's been four years since my dday #1 and 18 months since Dday#2 and full disclosure and it does get better but it will never be the same. Not a day goes by that I do not think about it. Not One Day.
I've accepted what has happened and we are dealing with this now
and trying to make a better M. But, it has changed me.How can it not when my WH has been cheating on me for 37 yrs!
It's not your fault and you don't have to rush into anything. Take your time. Breathe. Take care.

Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Like many have said, time does help. I'm only 22 days out myself, and while I am not anywhere near "back to normal," I'm mostly functional. I know you've probably read other suggestions like keep busy, exercise, drink plenty of water, eat if you can, exercise some more, yell when you have too, cry when you need to, and just know that you will heal.

I too see my WS everywhere. My mind rarely shuts off the slideshow of happier times and what we once had, and then to what she was doing with him while I sat at home so clueless. Its happens, and it is painful, and that's just part of it unfortunately. Write it out here. Vent all you want. Post, post, post. We're all here for you.

It will get better, I promise.

"Character is the ability to follow through on commitments that were made in moments of high resolve even when we no longer feel like it." Carl Andersen

Posts: 3091 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
♂ 36004
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aero.. it will pass.

It just takes time. For me I will never be the person I was before all of this. After you get through this you will be a much stronger person that you realized you could be.

I have said this before but I was a paratrooper and am a veteran. This by far was the worst thing I have gone through.

In time it won't bother you that much, believe it or not.

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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