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My brain won't shut off!

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aero1122 posted 2/10/2014 21:20 PM

I just keep thinking about it. My brain is constantly going. I am consumed all day by it. I cant listen to the radio because so many songs are triggers. T.v. forget it. It is like everywhere I turn there are people having sex or kissing and I start to cry.
I take the baby and dog for a walk and just feel like I am on auto pilot. I sleep and I wake up from the dreams I am having of them together.

This sux so much.

gypsybird87 posted 2/10/2014 21:37 PM


I'm so sorry you're hurting. Your dday was pretty recent and everything you are going through is normal. You're probably sick of hearing it, but it will get better with time.

I had the same problem with music, which sucked because I love music and always have something playing. Everything just made me sad. Finally I dug out some CD's of 80s music, happy bouncy stuff I loved back in high school that had zero connection to XWH for me. Do you have an old favorite you can revisit? The other thing I did was play a lot of my Zumba music, since the lyrics are in Spanish. Of course, if you speak Spanish, then nevermind.

Tv and movies can be so hard. Sex scenes, kissing, cuddling, hand holding... Gah! Alllll of it upset me. Not to mention infidelity related plots/scenes, which are frigging everywhere. It's just sick. Anyway, not long after dday, I started watching Game of Thrones. Everyone I knew was going on and on about it, so I thought what the heck and bought the first season on DVD. Best thing I could have done. Yes, there is some sex, romance and even infidelity. But the whole universe of that story is so far from every day reality, I just got lost in it. I was really sucked into it, and I realized that was the only time my brain let go of all the other stuff. Maybe try to find something similar, totally immersive and not based in reality. And just let yourself get lost.

I remember being where you are. You're right, it sucks. Big time. But you will get through it. It will get better. Hang in there and keep taking good care of yourself.

CantLoseHope posted 2/10/2014 21:40 PM

I feel your pain AERO..... I have the same problems right now with being unable to shut my brain off. I have developed terrible sleeping patterns from not being able to shut off my thoughts as well as the nightmares.... It has been a struggle... in regards to everywhere you look.... I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! You have been heard! And we are here for you HUGS

BrokenMomof2 posted 2/10/2014 21:45 PM

I wish I could help. I know those feelings all too well. I am still on auto-pilot alot of the time. It does get better, just focus on you and your kids.
The only music I can really listen to without triggering is Christian-rock!

Just wanted to let you know your not alone. (((aero1122)))

norabird posted 2/10/2014 21:50 PM

No advice but wanted you to know you are not alone. I did use ambien for awhile because my brain kept on all night and sleep was impossible. As my situation became more clear, the stress came down too; that will happen for you too, though I know you want relief now, not at some distant point. Anything you find relaxing is good to indulge in now--bubble baths, candles, manicures? It's hard because at all times your mind keeps going . I'm sorry you are going through this. Avoid tv and music for now and focus on the few healing or relaxing influences you can find. Autopilot can feel sad and empty, but it is a legit coping mechanism in its own right too.

I hope you have friends to turn to or a good IC.

Sending peace.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:38 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

aero1122 posted 2/10/2014 22:04 PM

Thanks everyone. My counselor has been helping me greatly and being able to vent here and know I am not alone is comforting.

I wish I could take something to help me sleep but I am alone with the kids most nights so I would be afraid to. The only music I can listen to has been my daughters toddler I will try some of your suggestions.

NeedingAdvice posted 2/11/2014 06:33 AM

I also have no words of wisdom but I do relate. I am fortunate to be in a profession that doesn't allow me a moment to think about anything else for about 10 hours of the day at least, so that saves me from thinking about things constantly. However, those drives to and from work (particularly on the way home for some reason) are filled with mental questions, mind pictures and those same sudden tears also triggered by songs I hear. I am only 4 months into this journey myself, but I will say that I don't spend quite as much time as I used to thinking about things, so maybe it does get better?

hurtingfool posted 2/11/2014 09:47 AM

I've always had problems shutting off my brain. I know how you are feeling right now. Music is the same way, I can't even pull out the old stuff because there always seems to be that one lyrics in there. She pisses me off because she doesn't listen to the words.I did have some success with classical, but that didn't last long.

We keep getting told it will get better. Have to believe it and keep on moving.

TheThreeYearFool posted 2/11/2014 10:02 AM

Aero1122, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know that feeling of the racing mind and I wanted to share with you what worked for me.

I too struggled with waking in the middle of the night with those same thoughts. As uncomfortable as I was initially with the idea of ADs a prescription for Lexapro finally helped me stop ruminating through the night.

And I also couldn't listen to the radio without getting upset... until I figured out what I like to think of as the "Musical 180."

Listen to music you would normally NEVER listen to. I spent weeks listening to speed metal, terrible frat boy rap rock, classic arena rock, electronic dance music, 1940s big band... anything unfamiliar. I think I spent a couple of days on the Ozzy Osbourne channel on my satellite radio.

It sounds insane but it really worked.

[This message edited by TheThreeYearFool at 10:02 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

outside4me posted 2/11/2014 11:18 AM

I hear ya! I've gotten about 3 hours sleep a day since DDay 3 weeks ago. Try not to even go to bed until I'm so exhausted I'll drop. Inevitably, I'll wake up a couple hours later and can't turn the brain off after that

FightingBack posted 2/11/2014 11:53 AM

to Aero and all of you newbies, I'm sorry. yes, it hurts like hell.

No one deserves to go through these feelings, yet go through them you must. And when the pain begins to feel less sharp, you will be stronger.

It took me such a long time to accept that what was happening to me was just NOT FAIR. It isn't fair, so don't even bother to try to figure that out. I thought that maybe if only I had done things differently.... Don't go there either. Nothing you could have done would have made a difference to our spouses choices. I wish....I should have....If only.....

Pointless. It is what it is. Now you must soothe yourself and get strong. take comfort in those that love you and find the strength for yourselves and your children if you have any.

I know that what you really want to hear is how to make the pain go away. I'm sorry that I can't tell you that. I do know that it becomes less intense though, and even manageable.

Go easy on yourselves. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. And when you begin to feel better, allow yourselves to feel that too.

Again, I am so sorry. And we are always here for you.

Katz13 posted 2/11/2014 12:15 PM

Please know you are not alone. I am less than 2 months out from Dday. My mind is only off when I am at work and busy. I am taking an OTC sleep aid. I think NyQuil makes it. It helps on those nights when the mind won't shut off. Everything seems to be a trigger too. I used to like to watch that mindless Bachelor show and now I just can't stomach it! 😳
There are some good suggestions posted here that I will try too. I started listening to some obscure alternative folk and rock stuff that I knew nothing about previously on the Songza app. That has helped with music not triggering. I also started watching some cartoons like the old Looney Tunes with my son before he goes to bed. It helps too.

kansas1968 posted 2/11/2014 12:22 PM

I remember the first year and that is exactly what was going on. From the moment before I fell asleep to the moment after I woke up, I thought of nothing else. It was exausting. I lost weight, started drinking, and just rationalizing it 24/7.

You finally have to decide to be at peace with thinking about it 24/7 because it is not going to stop anytime soon. Just relax and let the toughts come. If your husband is willing, set aside an hour every few days to talk about the affair. Try and be calm during those talks.

Get to a MC and some IC sessions will help also. Read the stuff in the healing library. What you are going through, thousands of people have gone through. You are not alone and you are not crazy.

It is three years for me and I still think about it every day, but not all day. It does get better but time is the only thing that makes it better. Hugs. K

mezmer posted 2/11/2014 12:38 PM

Read up on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That's what we go through.

Most sources say that it occurs after a "violent event," but we are starting to understand that emotional violence can be as traumatic as any other sort. The first thing our MC explained to my husband was PTSD. I was sort of surprised as I always thought of it as something from physical trauma, but the more I read the clearer it became.

Tearsoflove posted 2/11/2014 13:28 PM

I had the same issues and I was in my final semester of college in my most difficult courses at the time. I couldn't concentrate on lectures or anything I need to do. What helped me was to start journaling. I carried a journal with me everywhere and if I had an obsessive thought I couldn't let go of, I wrote it down so I could come back to it later when I had time to really obsess about it. This allowed me to let go long enough to complete the necessary tasks and parent the kids. It might work for you.

Breezy150 posted 2/11/2014 13:57 PM

This is exactly how I feel. Couldn't have explained it any better. Right now I do listen to music but it's angry music, probably not good for me but it helps for now.
I just take it one day at a time, I don't make plans too far out because I don't know what will be a good day or a bad day. Just hang in there for now, let some time pass, and things should get better.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/11/2014 14:05 PM

Just sending you some strength!

It does get better in time. I know it sucks to hear that and you probably think "how can they all say that!?"

But it's the truth.

Just remember, its not your fault, you did nothing wrong.

Eat well, get rest and read the healing library

traditoperanni posted 2/11/2014 14:16 PM


I'm with fightingback- It takes a long time. I totally understand where you are at this time. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone-- except all OW!
It's been four years since my dday #1 and 18 months since Dday#2 and full disclosure and it does get better but it will never be the same. Not a day goes by that I do not think about it. Not One Day.
I've accepted what has happened and we are dealing with this now
and trying to make a better M. But, it has changed me.How can it not when my WH has been cheating on me for 37 yrs!
It's not your fault and you don't have to rush into anything. Take your time. Breathe. Take care.

MadeOfScars posted 2/12/2014 12:21 PM


Like many have said, time does help. I'm only 22 days out myself, and while I am not anywhere near "back to normal," I'm mostly functional. I know you've probably read other suggestions like keep busy, exercise, drink plenty of water, eat if you can, exercise some more, yell when you have too, cry when you need to, and just know that you will heal.

I too see my WS everywhere. My mind rarely shuts off the slideshow of happier times and what we once had, and then to what she was doing with him while I sat at home so clueless. Its happens, and it is painful, and that's just part of it unfortunately. Write it out here. Vent all you want. Post, post, post. We're all here for you.

It will get better, I promise.

damaged71 posted 2/12/2014 13:26 PM

Aero.. it will pass.

It just takes time. For me I will never be the person I was before all of this. After you get through this you will be a much stronger person that you realized you could be.

I have said this before but I was a paratrooper and am a veteran. This by far was the worst thing I have gone through.

In time it won't bother you that much, believe it or not.

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