Well, she has been back over a week now. She goes to IC in a few hours. We have MC on Wednesday. I have a doctors appointment Thursday. Planning on Retrouvaille. I'll be finding my own IC after we see MC.
We started reading "Not Just Friends" together. We've talked quite a bit about what has happened when the kids aren't around. We were even able to pass the kids off for four hours. Had her look in a mirror and say what she had done. Seemed to be remorse. Some spanking followed. It helped a little. Though I wanted to, I couldn't let it out at the time.
Sex has been difficult, I can perform, just can't reach the finish line myself. Thoughts keep popping in my head to bring me down. Though I have made her remember what I do for her. Then I remember any guy could do that with work.
She says she wishes she could go back and not do it. The lies and physical parts. I can't believe it with everything she has told me.
We sent a NC through FB and blocked the AP. Shortly thereafter we were both blocked from him. So my hope of him getting caught seems like it didn't happen. I've been waiting to close out her Skype account until I've figured out how to get the data I need from her Kindle. I still need to go through her laptop to find anything hidden in the cache.
As of this moment, I have no feelings for her aside from disappointment. No anger. No love. Just disappointment. She's done some reading here. It seems to have helped her understand what she has done. Right now though, I just feel like she is saying what I want to hear.
These damn thoughts of what she felt keep running in my head, and then suicide follows quickly after. I'm almost glad that I'd rather just crawl under my blanket and sleep for the next year. All the plans I've had for the year, gone down the drain. I don't want to do any of it now.
I know there isn't a quick route through this, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I wish there were.
(((Hurtingfool)))
I am a warrior! I will survive and thrive!
STAY STRONG. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP. Things will get better.
The suicidal thoughts are no joke. If they come back, call 911 immediately or go to the emergency room. Don't risk your life.
We're here for you. Keep posting and let us know how its going.
I think you need to reconsider your planning. IC for you should be the most important thing. Especially with depression combined with suicidal ideation. You need help. I got help. I also got antidepressants, antianxiety meds, and sleep aids. They were temporary, but really helped my healing path.
MC before you and your WS have done IC is trying to patch together a marriage using broken parts. How can you improve your marriage if you're depressed, and your wife hasn't addressed the issues that caused her to stray? It's like painting a wall before you patch the holes.
Sex has been difficult, I can perform, just can't reach the finish line myself.
As with most things that happen to me, it was quicker getting her IC, and us MC, before I could get to my own IC with all the various appointments, needing to see my doctor, and handling of the kids. The thoughts are there, thinking of the kids helps, as does reading similar stories.
I like your analogy of painting. Even after putting on the first coat without repairing the holes first, I'm sure more holes will be put in after it is done and will have to be painted again. With her in IC, and saying that she is willing to work on things, and our overall communication seems to be better, it may not be the best order, but it enough for me right now.
Thank you all again for all your support.
