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nekorb posted 2/11/2014 07:12 AM

WH continues to try and tell me that it's my fault the kids won't have family Christmases/special events because I won't agree to do it. He wants to be BFFs , of course and would love nothing more.

I can't do it. I have to go NC when he leaves. I don't want to share special days with him - they will only be painful for me - how does he think this could possibly be fun for the kids? (Teenagers- they WILL be told about the A when DH sits them down to tell them he is leaving me)

I need some responses to lather/rinse/repeat when he tries to blame shift this onto me.

SBB posted 2/11/2014 07:47 AM

*crickets*

Really, that is the only response. Completely ignore it. Do what you can to stop him being able to speak to you. All comms via email/text. If he can't control himself in writing then you can have someone vet his missives so you're not subjected to any further emotional abuse.

Most of them want to be 'friends'. ALL of them want us to play nicey nicey no matter what they have done/are doing. It is emotional abuse.

They'd all cake-eat if we let them.

Post responses here - get them out of your system. Make them hopping made, make them funny as hell.

My favourite?

Look up the word divorce - its right there between Cheating and Syphillis.

When all else fails you could go down the "I disagree. End of discussion". Over and over - never changing.

It gets easier, I promise.

nekorb posted 2/11/2014 07:51 AM

I keep forgetting that sometimes silence is an appropriate response.

Undefinabl3 posted 2/11/2014 08:10 AM

Crickets are easy when its a non-face to face encounter. But if he starts this up while in person...i suggest "no" as a good word. Better yet, just walk away when he starts into it.

The other thing that will come into play i am sure is that he will blame you in front of the kids. In this case "I am sorry your father feels this way" should work work until the children are older.

Dreamboat posted 2/11/2014 08:28 AM

*crickets*

This

There is nothing you can do or say that will make him see things from your point of view. He wants to be all buddy-buddy because if you are his friend then what he did can't be that bad. He can say to the kids "See? Mom is still my friend. What I did was OK." So he tries to bully you into being his friend to make himself feel better. Very selfish and very typical of an unremorseful WS.

If you feel you must respond, stick to short sentences and simple words that even a 5 year old would understand. Things like "You are not my friend and will never be my friend again." and "whatever" and "I am sorry you feel that way"

And when he does try to communicate with you, ONLY respond to questions about kids or finances. Actual questions, not just statements. If he does not ask a question, then do not respond. Or if the question is not about kids or finances, do not respond.

There is an article in the healing library about modified NC with WS.

crazynot posted 2/11/2014 23:31 PM

Your children are nearly adults. They will make their own decisions about playing happy families with their cheating adulterer father.

Nature_Girl posted 2/11/2014 23:40 PM

So, me telling you to say, "Fuck you and your family Christmas, you cheating motherfucker!", that would be wrong? Yeah, you're right, crickets is better.

But seriously. Cry me a river, Cheater. Oh, now it's for the children. You're going to ruin the children's lives. OMG. Seriously. Oh. Em. Gee.

You know what? You WILL have a family Christmas. You WILL have family holidays. You and your children are a complete family unit. You and your children make the family. It's Mr. Cant Keepitzipped who isn't part of the family living at your address.

My ex told the kids right after we separated that they wouldn't get to celebrate holidays again. Yes he did. He told them that they'd not get to trick or treat, nothing. What a bastard. I mean, my kids were YOUNG at that point. Who says shit like that to little kids?? Me & the counselor had to confront that head on and set the kids straight, because ex was filling their heads with all kinds of alienating crap.

Your kids, though? They're older. They know, or SHOULD know, what's up. I implore you not to trust your STBX to not fuck up telling them about what's happening. Please, oh please, please don't think he's going to magically turn into a decent human being for that life-altering conversation. If anything it should be you telling the kids. Don't leave it to him. Don't trust him. He's going to fuck it up and he's going to hurt your kids.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/12/2014 00:07 AM

The *proper* response is "no." Or if you are so inclined...."no, but thanks."

But it took me a loooonnnnggg time to go NC. My response in those days to a statement like your WH made would have been: "No. It is YOUR fault that there will be no more family events because YOU are a lying cheater who did not cherish/honor their mother."

Crickets is usually the best answer....but there are times when you are early in the process when you just need to speak your truth. BUT speak your truth and be done with it. Don't engage in any back-and-forth.....that second response is shark-bait for a blame-shifter and you will definitely get a *dump* about what a terrible person/wife you were in response.

When the lather/rinse/repeat cycle of stbx blameshifting and me calling him out about it finally got to be too much....I then resorted to the "go fuck yourself" response. Which only allowed him to feel *better* about himself since he was speaking to me in a reasonable tone and *I* was the one hurling profanities at him. What.Ever.

Regardless of the path you take, you will get to the point where you don't feel the need to even respond to this type of insanity. I took the long path, but it doesn't matter....same destination.

And I'm with NG on this kid-telling thing.....you need to be the driver of that train because your WH will fuck.it.up and you will have an even bigger mess to clean up....guaranteed.

Harriet posted 2/12/2014 01:39 AM

Oh lord. I can't believe I didn't see it before.

I've been sucked into that trap this whole time! He always says something is "best for the kids" and makes me feel bad.

Now I'm daydreaming about responding to him. "MAYBE it would have been in the best interests of the kids for you to keep your DICK in your pants." Ah, a girl can dream.

But a great weight has been lifted from me...thank you, SI! (sorry if this is a tj)

dmari posted 2/12/2014 02:02 AM

Blame shifting KING!! The ONLY reason he wants to have these "special" holidays and events together is to show the kids, family, and friends that what he did wasn't THAT bad because nekorb is my pal. Don't tell him that it will be painful for you ... that's ego kibblets. Crickets or no. Simple.

EvenKeel posted 2/12/2014 07:39 AM

You WILL have a family Christmas. You WILL have family holidays. You and your children are a complete family unit. You and your children make the family.

Ditto!

You are no less of a family because he is not sitting there. Actually, you are probably more of a family because you are taking the cheating/lying aspect away from the traits.

He can have his own special family time with the children as well....if that is what they want to do and he makes the effort.

He is looking for the easy route. He wants to just show up at all the events.

Sorry.....no longer your job to be his event planner. He wants a nice family event with his kiddos - he needs to make that happen.

Like you, I have no desire to do that big stuff with him. I will not let him taint my memories and holidays with my children with his presense.

Stay strong GF - if you don't want him there...there is nothing wrong with that.

hexed posted 2/12/2014 10:16 AM

Divorce does not equal sharing. Sharing is the problem...if you hadn't had to share him with some fucktwat then you would be sharing Christmas and other special occasions with him. Your family just got remodeled. He is no longer part of the new floor plan.

The best response...not to say anything at all.

If necessary "NO!" and if that doesn't do the trick. "We are divorcing, We are no longer a family. You caused this. It is your fault." Then walk away. I had to do this one time with my X when he was in face about family stuff. Once I placed the blame squarely on him, he never brought it up again

TrustedHer posted 2/12/2014 10:25 AM

Please, oh please, please don't think he's going to magically turn into a decent human being for that life-altering conversation. If anything it should be you telling the kids. Don't leave it to him. Don't trust him. He's going to fuck it up and he's going to hurt your kids.

Know how my kids found out? On D-Day#2, my X sent them a text very much like this:
"Married 34 years, may not make 35"

At least later she had the decency to admit to them she cheated. But when she did, somehow it was all my fault, and we had "drifted apart".