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update on NC with xWW

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ProbableIceCream posted 2/11/2014 10:56 AM

Nothing exciting to report. Communication has been by text message and very brief, only to confirm drop offs, pick ups so far. I'll be dropping DD off at her mom's tonight and picking her up from school tomorrow.

So far, so good.

nowiknow23 posted 2/11/2014 10:57 AM

Excellent! Carry on, PIC.

thyme2go posted 2/11/2014 16:08 PM

Bro - for the record, that is normal.


ProbableIceCream posted 2/11/2014 18:14 PM

I'm sure it'll get weird again eventually. :)

Amazonia posted 2/12/2014 05:59 AM

I'm sure it'll get weird again eventually. :)

Oh, I'm sure it will. A lot of what I've observed here on SI, and in the lives of those around me, is that these things come in waves. I think of it like the ripples in a pond when you drop in a stone - the waves are bigger and closer together at first, but over time they become smaller and further apart, until eventually they go away. The ex's temper tantrums are often the same way - big and frequent at first, but over time, as long as you hold consistent and firm with NC, they get smaller and the time between them lengthens. Breaking NC is like dropping another stone in and creating new waves.

stronger08 posted 2/13/2014 06:18 AM

For many years I refused to have any verbal communication with my XW. It was mainly due to her need to turn every conversation about finances and kids into a forum for her to bitch, moan and complain about what a POS she thought I was. At first I would engage in these tantrums and I would argue with her only to be hung up when I threw the truth at her. This must have happened hundreds of times. She also had a habit of bad mouthing me to anyone who listened. So I decided that written communication was my only recourse. That way if she went on another tantrum I simply would not respond. Also if she started to spread lies about me I had written proof of our interactions. I have to say that it was a god send for me. No more arguing and no more drama. Naturally it pissed her off to no end that she no longer had a target to throw her shit at, and that was an added benefit for me. At one point right around the time I decided to go verbal NC, she had the audacity to file for a RO against me for harassment and stalking. As her story was taken seriously I was served with a temporary RO and was forced to take a day off and appear at the hearing. This time I had all of the texts and e-mails of her rants and raves. I also had records of my EZ pass statement showing that I was in another state when she claimed I was stalking her. Permanent RO denied !!!! She also got a tongue lashing from the judge about using the court system to harass me. He even asked if I wanted to take out a RO on her. I declined and said the court has better things to do then referee my dealings with a sick woman.

This was on it went for a few years until she met her current BF who actually was single and a decent dude. His influence on her allowed us to verbally communicate without drama. So far things are going well and when I pick up or drop off our son I can actually speak to her without any issues. Found out a couple of weeks ago that she broke up with the BF. I'm kind of hoping they get back together as she leaves me alone when with him. But I'm also preparing for her to begin her shit all over again. First uncivil conversation and its back to verbal NC. Its a great system in there is no room for the X to lie and/or make accusations. The written word can not be disputed or challenged. Just make sure you don't allow her to entice you into the insane banter they so crave. Keep it short and sweet, on topic and no more from your side. If she has the need to vent of attack you let her. Its all written down to use as evidence if needed. Make sure you save all of the communication should you need it at some point. Good luck to you bro, this is a great tool to use for healing and peace of mind.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/13/2014 10:55 AM

stronger08 -- wow. I'm not having any issues with verbal stuff yet, but I would not hesitate to pull back on that if anything came up.

How do I avoid verbal contact if I have to exchange DD? (most of the time there's no words exchanged, but sometimes there are)

Amazonia posted 2/14/2014 23:28 PM

You can avoid it during exchanges by being prepared (DD and her stuff all ready to go, no need to chat while putting on coats, etc., focusing on dd during goodbyes (you can't talk to xw if you're talking to DD), and by having plans immediately after that obligate you to leave instead of hang around ("sorry, I've got to go. Text me if DD needs anything").

Think through anything you have to tell her about dd ahead of time and you can quickly burn through the list - behavior, health, school, obligations that weekend, whatever. Think of it like a business meeting where you have an agenda and you stick to it without wasting time.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/20/2014 20:46 PM

Still going well. I made the mistake of answering the phone today and she tried to engage me in conversation but I kept it brief and to the point (our daughter).

nowiknow23 posted 2/20/2014 21:00 PM

ProbableIceCream posted 2/20/2014 21:06 PM

It was weird. She acts like she's worried about me and I'm her best friend or something.

What I like about the NC thing is that it goes in both directions. I care much less about her life because I know much less about it. More emotional distance over time.

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