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Jovie posted 2/11/2014 16:37 PM

I just don't know how to answer some of these....

What was I thinking?
How could you be attracted to him?

I feel so disgusted by him now that I don't know what to say. Was I attracted to him ever? I feel that I must have been, but I know I didn't think he was physically attractive when we were "just friends", and I think he is repulsive now. I even remember thinking, he seems like a great person on the surface, but he's a scumbag because he cheats on his wife!

So, what was I thinking? I don't know!!

These are the questions for IC right? I just hate that I can't give good enough answers right when BS asks. And I've read so many posts about BS hating those kinds of answers. Even if I really think through and come up with an answer to "why" I feel like it will sound fluffy and selfish and I'm not sure it will satisfy him?

bionicgal posted 2/11/2014 17:58 PM

My H said a similar thing - wasn't really attracted to her, but was motivated by her finding him attractive. It is about the mirror that they reflect back at you -- and often the ego feeding.

I suggest the book Sexual Detours in terms of getting at your "why/how." My H found it helpful. Also, my H has said that he really wasn't thinking much, but he did go back and try to reconstruct the thinking that allowed him to do what he did. It is important, and I guess you just need to read, dig and talk to an IC.

rekindle posted 2/11/2014 18:19 PM

I've had the same difficulties. For me, I wasn't physically attracted to the OM at all; I was just attracted to the attention he gave me. I didn't know what I was thinking either, but I've had to dig deep and really reflect and think about everything (with BH's urging) to answer his questions. I can't answer them all, but I've really had to look at myself and what I did to answer what I could.

Skan posted 2/11/2014 21:03 PM

Just a suggestion. If you don't know, but you are truly digging to find out why and are peeling the layers of the onion of the whys back, how about answering something to the effect of, "I don't know right now, but I am working really hard to figure this out. And I promise to tell you every time I have a break-through."

I would find that a lot more reassuring than just IDK.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/12/2014 03:41 AM

They are difficult questions for me too, although it's me doing the asking, not BH.

I wasn't ever physically attracted to him, even during the A looking at him would turn my stomach. But I was attracted to the attention he gave me and the way he made me feel about myself.
I was low, broken, desperate. Because of FOO issues, I need to be loved. My self esteem and self worth was entirely dependent on other people. I was empty and looked outside of myself and my M in an attept to fill the void. It wasn't THE OM, it could have been ANY OM. As messed up as that sounds, I think that's the truth.

What was I thinking? That's a really tough one. I remember the first inappropriate texts from the OM sent me into a huge panic, how was I going to make him back off without being rude and upsetting him? I tried but not hard enough, he thought I was playing hard to get and the more he persisted, the harder it was for me to maintain boundaries. Boundaries are something I really need to work on. I don't know why they are an issue for me yet but I'm hoping to dig deeper into this with my IC over the next few weeks.

The tough questions my BH is asking are 'how can I ever trust you again?' And 'how do you know this won't happen again?'
I don't know the answers to those either, I know with every fibre of my being that I would never cheat again and I will do everything in my power to mend what was so broken in me. To build good boundaries and become emotionally healthy.

HotMessInTX posted 2/14/2014 07:36 AM

I'm finding myself in a very similar position. I don't know how to answer these questions either. Like others have said here, I wasn't thinking. If I had, maybe things would be different. I also was attracted to the attention and that someone was exhibiting such desire for me. I also do not find the OM physically attracted. I am a mess, I created a mess.

My BH keeps saying he doesn't understand and I have no way of explaining it that makes any sense whatsoever. This is a huge block for us right now.

Jovie posted 2/14/2014 07:45 AM

I tried to put my answer in writing as best as I could for him, but he came back with logical responses as to why my answer didn't make sense to him. And whatever I was thinking or feeling at that time wasn't logical, so there's just nothing more to say.

In the end it seems like the purpose of answering his questions is that it should provide him with a sense of understanding or satisfaction. But it just doesn't ever feel like that will be the case.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/14/2014 08:26 AM

I think, like pretty much anything, if you haven't experienced something first hand, it can be hard to understand or empathise with feelings or emotions.

My BH is super confident. He is everyone's best friend, really out going and people are naturally drawn to his personality. He has no idea what it is like to hate yourself completely, to loathe every single thing about you, to look in the mirror and despise what you see, to worry constantly about what other people think of you, scared they might have seen how ugly you really are. BH has no idea what it feels like think you are unlovable, he is loved by everyone and is never alone. I have always been alone, abandoned.

He can't relate to what I felt pre-A, every day for my entire life. That's not his fault, he just hasn't ever experienced that. So I can explain until I'm blue in the face but he will never 'get it'. And that's ok. All he needs to know is that it broke me but I'm doing all I can now to mend myself.

numb&dumb posted 2/14/2014 14:12 PM

"I don't know right now, but I am working really hard to figure this out. And I promise to tell you every time I have a break-through."

I would find that a lot more reassuring than just IDK.

As a BH I can tell you this is very true. It at least shows that you WANT to find out. There will be many whys, not just one magical thing that makes of it all.

IDK is dismissive and is a passive aggressive way of invalidating his feelings.

Men have a hard time understanding this as we often approach this situation from a male perspective. He doesn't understand that it wasn't about the physical part. Providing physical comfort to the OM was the currency you used to pay for the emotional reward it provided you. I am sorry if that makes you feel bad, but explaining it in that way may help him see a portion of what reward you were deriving out of it. It will lead to another area that won't be happy place, but one by you start getting there. It is like the worst scavenger hunt in the world.

Validation is a obviously a key part of this. Keeping looking at that. If your H also provided that why was that not enough for you ? Don't blame him. Journal.

I'll let you in on a secret, when he asks why, he isn't going to like any answer you give right now. He is still too traumatized and any answer is going to hurt. He has not accepted it that it occurred yet. What his brain is saying right now is that "no way that this happened." It is less painful for him.

What he really wants to know is that you are making a very intense effort at telling him why. That you are putting forth infinitely more effort to keep him then you ever did with OM. He wants something to hold onto that shows him the doubts he has about your sincerity and you wanting only him are not true. I said it before, effort counts as much as effect.

if you haven't experienced something first hand, it can be hard to understand or empathize with feelings or emotions.

Very true. Neither BS or WS can understand the other point of view completely. The emotions can look similar, but they are not the same. They can't be compared.

Both roles hurt. Show him your pain over this and list out consequences that you are experiencing.

t/j

brokenbuttrying as much as he appears like that on the outside my guess is that he uses these things to keep a very frail ego propped up. I bet you money underneath it all, he can probably relate to ti better than you think. At least, give him some credit for trying.

floridaredman posted 2/15/2014 08:07 AM

I see women say this on forums when they are not physically attracted to the om but go through with the physical aspect. It plays largely into feeling guilty for responding to the om's actions of filling an emotional void. Some say they feel obligated to go through with it because;

1. They don't want to hurt his feelings after he has "given them his time and effort"

2.They don't want to be seen as ungrateful,especially when an emotional bond has been built.

3.They don't want the emotional validation to stop so they figure they "owe" the OM and will concede to the physical if he pursues

There doesn't have to be a physical attraction. It's more of a trade off and lack of boundaries

It's hard for men to see this because;

1. We are visual and physical attraction can be one of the major aspects that attracts us to our partner.

2. Even if we are not physically attracted, some men will settle for someone just for sexual release.
This is why when women say they weren't attracted physically, men just equate it to her just wanting a sexual release.
When you say not so, then it's why would you even touch him if you weren't?

The real answer is you wanted to do it to keep the relationship going
Which no matter how you look at it, it will boil down to;

1.Selfishness
2.Lack of boundaries
And one key ingredient of not being able to say one word
NO.

Remone posted 2/15/2014 10:18 AM

I think there is something in talking about a "thing" that takes it's power away. The illicitness of thinking something in ones own mind can give it power and allow it to grow. In saying it out loud and sharing with your partner that pops the bubble so to speak and the power is gone. I believe that is what you are experiencing. You are not attracted to him now because you see, really see without blinders on, how unattractive he ,and you, were.