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Newest Member: Confused4 (61103)

User Topic: I do not know what to do
♀ 42438
Member # 42438
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Dday was in August 2013, sext messages between H and OW. H got mad that I found it on his phone. How dare I touch his private property. I called OWH and asked if he knew what was going on. OWH did not and he let me confront my H. Confronted H he left, packed all his belongings and then calls me from another state to come home.

I let him come back much to the chagrin of my daughter if he would go to counseling. No counseling yet. H works away from home most weeks. I was awarded tickets to to go to a professional ball game at work. I asked my daughter to go she did not want to. H was working in another state. - extra ticket given to co worker. H calls me at game, I sent pix of all of us. H seems fine and then I get text at 3:00 am. You took another man to the game, thanx. H will not call back, trying to prepare our taxes.

Worried as he works all lot and gets tired driving everywhere state to state. I sent a text stating such and if he was okay. Text back from H states, he will be back in a couple of days then "big" talk, I am sure this was not the first date for you.

I was with co workers and my boss!! I text to H that I am sure you do things with your coworkers. Hence gambling, which he has no idea I know. Card membership came to the house!!

What could the big talk be!! My daughter states that he is jealous and probably doing something wrong and trying to make himself feel better.

Thoughts? Anyone there is more it, as I found out before we were married, but not together that he was soliciting for sex on the internet. Probably should not of got married in the first place. We have only been married since June 2013.

I do not trust him or respect him still because he has done nothing to repair the damage.

We never talk anymore and he's boring me. I feel strong most times and happy that he was going away to work. Now I am pissed and sad at the same time. I worked my butt off fixing property and buying it back from my brother in Feb. H is on the mortgage and he owes back child support. House is up for sale and I will be damned if H's ex gets it.

How do I prepare for the big talk, why can't he talk now on the phone like a normal husband would do.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to control the convo. You need to take control over all of this. Why in the world are you even willin to tolerate all his bad behaviors? This is obviously not a first M for either of you.
Be smart about this get all the financials organized and be prepared to file. He gets to cheat lie gamble and the speak to you with abuse and mistrust. I have to say no way !

You deserve more demand it.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13166 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 42438
Member # 42438
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the reply tushnurse. I needed to hear it. I filed separately for taxes this time, will do his taxes if I feel like it after the big talk.

In February after I did all the leg work for applying for the mortgage he said he didn't want to sign. I said he had a choice, he married me and if he walked then I was going to the court house for a divorce.

We moved in July for a new job for me. Now I am stuck with the possibility of waiting for a year separation for divorce in the new state. My home is a 2nd home in another state. We are renting a home with a lease until next November and I have good equity in the other home. I have an email that he sent to me in June that said he would sign the house over to me. Thankfully I still have that as proof.

Do you think I should have the "big talk" or demand that we have that talk with a mediator or counselor?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ 42438
Member # 42438
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoops married June 2012, it's been a year of heartache with him. I also got sick with Lyme in May and could barely function. Planned a trip and he couldn't get a VISA because of owing more than $2,500 to the state in back child support.

I went anyway and he almost didn't bring me to the airport because we didn't have S*x during my sick time. If anyone has had Lyme you know what I mean. If I didn't find the s**t from OW and H - I wonder how long it would've gone on and I will never really know if they consummated the relationship.

I did say I forgive him and won't put it in his face, but I will never forget. Two other incidents: We had a misunderstanding over something, he leaves to go to a co workers house!! I tell him that we need to talk and please come home. He comes home and he was high.

I am sober almost 6.5 years. H, well, he has to start over. I noticed that he eyes were all glossy and I thought drink at first. Nope, so there went that conversation out the window. I can't talk to someone who is high.

I am a smart woman I learned to speak well in the event of repercussion because he keeps his feelings all bottled up. The tension in the air you could cut with a knife. My daughter feels it too and she doesn't care what he thinks of her if she defends her Mom.

Another learning experience, uff!!

I want to feel strong on Thursday when he comes home. How do I do that? I feel like a whimp right now.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♂ 42430
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like your daughter knows the score, and his affair has affected her too. I was going to suggest she participate in the big talk if she wants, but then realized I don't have kids and don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I can only imagine the added difficulty of healing the daughter as well as yourself. That puts his infidelity on a whole different magnitude of crapitude, IMHO.

Hope you find SI as helpful in your healing as I have... a treasure trove of supportive folks that understand. Good luck!

But that's just opinion, man. I could be wrong.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
♀ 42438
Member # 42438
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Out, wow didn't think of including her. She is so done with him and his ways.

I am feeling stronger already. Wish I had found this in August. I have been going back and forth with how I feel and what I should do.

I wanted a man that would be good to me, share, etc. I am older now and wiser, darn it. So many things to learn. I hate the emotional roller coaster of I have to listen to my gut.

But it still doesn't make the time of the big talk any easier to deal with. I know that the question that if a higher power said - it is okay to go, would I go?

I straight out "text" to him because he won't answer. "would you do anything and exhaust all possibilities to make it work" NADA !! I still love him and it would be nice to see a change in good behavior and see signs of positiveness. Am I kidding myself?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ 29912
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may be your opportunity to get as close to the truth as possible with that talk. Good luck, I hope things go well for you.

Posts: 1308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
♀ 42438
Member # 42438
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have anxiety about the big talk because I want to be prepared for the worst. Is he going to leave, he can't just leave with a lease in place unless there is a loop hole in it. I know the State is a tenant State and I can give a 30 day notice to quit.

I was happy when I found that out because when my house sells else where I will have the down payment for a new one. One that I can afford and pay for by myself and I don't need someone else financial help.

If we separate he will lose a lot. I just helped him get his credit squared away to a nicer score, he has no money and lives week to week on his pay check and he wanted to buy a new truck. I said he could save the $200.00 in a savings account for a rainy day to go on vacation. Instead he states well since your making money better you can pay for me. I was not happy with that comment.

I have busted my butt to get where I am at today and I am financially stable for the first time since I was 20. I will not give that up nor should I have too. Thanks to the help of my brother and sticking to my plans of buying a house and saving for 3 years. H gave nothing towards buying it.

I need put together a separation statement and a quitclaim deed to put in front of him if he is coming home to say he's out?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Protect your self, your daughter and your assets.

Seek advice if you have to. Information is power.

Rather than wait for husband to come home and have the talk... Work out what you ant out of this marriage. Behaviours you expect to see and commit to him what you can (if you want to) marriage is an equal partnership, you both hold the wheel at this talk. Don't let anxiety give your power away

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you want to protect your property and financial security (go you!), have you met with a lawyer yet to see what steps you need to take to make sure you come out without any losses if it comes to that?

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge red flag, his random text at 3:00 am with his stupid nonsense about you taking some guy to a game.

Would he actually have you believe that he was so worked up with jealousy that he couldn't sleep all night and that's why you got a text at 3:00am? More than likely, whatever he was really up to that night had come to an end at 3:00 and that's why you didn't hear from him until then. A proven cheater like your husband - who spends a good amount of time away from home - is like having the fox guard the chicken house.

I'd tell him to shut his mouth about this nonsense and ask him what lie he plans on telling you for why he was was awake and texting you at 3:00 am.

Here's a better thought - why don't you BOTH go have a polygraph done? You'll pass, and I'd bet the farm he'll fail miserably.

ETA - I just saw that you've only been legally tethered to this man for 6 months. I'd have my bags packed and my car warming up out in the driveway.


Good luck to you.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:49 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 11

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