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TiredinVT posted 2/11/2014 20:13 PM

Although I am new to the site, I'm several months out from latest Dday. Let's see if I have it right....1 Dday was 1/4/2012, then 8/?/2012, then 10/28/2012, then 9/3/2013.

Me: BS 37; WS 31 together 3 years

I have been angry, devastated, confused, full of rage and now I just feel stupid. I'm stupid because I think I should walk away, but I don't want to. When we are good, things are amazing. We click very well.

Any advice on letting go or holding on?

SisterMilkshake posted 2/11/2014 20:19 PM

Welcome to the best club you don't want to belong to, TiredinVT. So sorry you had to find us.

I bet you are tired. So many D-days. Is it the same AP or different AP's? (Affair Partner) Is your WS remorseful?

Sadmumma posted 2/11/2014 20:19 PM

So sorry that you've found yourself here... There are many that are experienced members that will be along to help you soon.

I'm fairly new myself (2 weeks out)'but I suggest read read read.

May I suggest that you start with the healing library it will provide the tools you need to assess whether you can (and more importantly what steps both of you need to take) in order to get past this.

In the mean time, pull up a chair, crab a cuppa and read.

UpInTheAirNow posted 2/11/2014 20:22 PM

Recommend you read the healing library. Top left corner. Also might want to post in Just Found Out. This shit sucks. But none the less you will get through it.
Why have you allowed so many d days? If your not in IC I suggest you start.
You will get some great advice here. Maybe tell us more about your situation.

dragonblu posted 2/11/2014 20:22 PM

I am new here too and I feel like you do sometimes and then I married the WS. Now I am feeling regrets and mad at myself. Are you strong enough to be by yourself and start over? You are definitely young enough!

I have a big talk when he comes back on Thursday and I am not prepared for that I feel very foolish. I agree when things are good they are great and that's what is keeping me here, but to go through emotional upheaval over and over. Not so much.

Me: BS 47 WS 45 together 4, married 1

TiredinVT posted 2/11/2014 20:24 PM

Thanks for the welcome and starter advice :-)

There were many AP, mostly one night stands, but a few so called friends.

There is a lot of remorse. I think it is almost a compulsion like gambling or something

TiredinVT posted 2/11/2014 20:28 PM

I have always been very independent. I was single and very happy for many years. I think that is why I get mad at myself for staying. My sister has a cheating and down right mean husband, they have been married or together almost as long as I have been alive. I could never understand why she stayed and now here I am.

unarmbears posted 2/11/2014 21:43 PM

Dear Tired, big web hugs for you!

No wonder you are overwhelmed and tired, that's a lot of d-days! A lot of betrayal and pain, a lot of grieving is what you have been doing for 2 years.

Have you been to counseling? Has he? What happened on your d-days, did he become an open book, show remorse, take steps to correct. Sometimes things go on because they get swept under the rug and not dealt with from the very beginning.

From what you have written, there are many AP's. I am not a therapist, but I do think after being on this site a lot of years that he may need a sexual addiction evaluation. If he agrees, make sure it is a certified sexual addictions therapist that does the eval and continues with treatment.

Have you ever consulted with an attorney regarding your rights in a divorce?

The limbo you are feeling is from wanting to believe he can change, but he hasn't shown you he is willing to do so.

I agree with the others to read in the healing library, also read posts in Reconciliation and in Divorce and Separation. There are great posts in both to help you see what both sides are like.

In the meantime, do take care of you. Even if your WS won't go, make an appointment for yourself for individual counseling (IC). The benefit for you in sorting through this mish mash with a neutral party will help immensely!

Even under the best of circumstances, the process for getting through this betrayal is going to take 2 to 5 years. Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or leave it, this is the healing curve for most folks.

The best advice I ever got here at SI was watch actions, don't listen to words. Words are easy, but it's when the words and actions match that you will see progress in your husband and also yourself.

Being angry, even at yourself, is a part of the process. Just remember: You didn't cause. You can't change it. You can't cure it. Be observant, be aware, watch what he does, make decisions based on evidence and facts.

You will be okay. You are on one helluva rollercoaster ride emotionally.

Our MC told us not to make any decisions at first regarding the marriage. It was a blessing to hear that I could take the time I needed to make the decision of whether I could continue to live with my husband or not. He and I are still together, but he did things to show me that he wasn't going to cheat again and was remorseful about what had happened. It took a while for me to see those changes without thinking he was a rat bastard f**khead all the time. I had to heal, he had to help me heal and fix himself. It was hard, but we are much better now.

norabird posted 2/12/2014 09:23 AM

It can be very hard to let go. I suspect you are posting here because you know this is a bad situation--that he keeps abusing your trust and isn't safe. Remorse without change isn't worth very much--it doesn't end the hurt, it doesn't mean it won't happen again (the reverse actually!). It can be a way for your WS to cake-eat--to keep you while also getting to act however he wants.

Does he take any actions that shows he is intent on fixing this behavior? Transparency, accountability, going to IC, digging into what motivates him.

Even if he were doing the above, he would still be a massive risk since this is a systemic pattern. There's a saying--you can't fix broken. You can't love him enough to fill up the hole inside of him. No matter how well you click, it won't be enough for him. Here's another handy thought--he's shown you who he is, and the best predictor of future actions is past actions. And lastly:


I know how much you want your love to be enough. It still kills me that my exWBF really loved me and still betrayed me and needed extra validation from unhealthy sources, that he knew he was doing something wrong at the same time he justified doing it. It's so sad to waste a real connection with someone. To waste real love.

But he just can't give you love and support in the way you need. Try to get some IC to figure out why you struggle to let go. And think about what your boundaries are, and if there are consequences when they are broken. Right now, you are there for him no matter how he behaves, so what incentive does he have to respect your needs over his?

What are you willing to accept for yourself, TiredinVT? Really think about that. I know you deserve better than what you're getting. Maybe you want to help save him from his behavior...but the only person you can save here is yourself.

ETA: That single, happy, indepedent person is still inside you. She just needs to be given another chance to come out.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:51 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

MadeOfScars posted 2/12/2014 12:09 PM


Awesome. I change that him to a her and it very much works for me anyway. Its one of the hardest pieces to realize when you're the BS, but trying to invoke change in someone who is any less than fully remorseful is just gonna cause you more pain.

TiredinVT posted 2/12/2014 22:52 PM

Thanks for all the support. I like DETACH!

He is seeing IC, we did MC. We had a family meeting with his parents and he told them what he had done.

He has made effort, but he gets annoyed after a while that it is taking so long for me to feel ok. Then, he makes bad decisions.

His APs were a mix of friends and random. He also maintained several email accounts, dating site ads.

jjct posted 2/13/2014 05:08 AM

Hi VT - you say there's remorse, then you say he gets annoyed it is taking you too long...I want to tell you - that is not remorse.
The difference btwn remorse and regret:
Regret is concerned @ the consequences to himself.
Remorse is concerned @ the consequences to you - the injured one.

The "detach" part, the "you can't fix him and put remorse there" part eventually requires us to take care of our own healing.

To do that, you begin the 180. It is counter-intuitive at first, but once you own and internalize the principle that it is all about you and your healing, it makes sense and becomes easier. Repeat. The 180 is not to be used as a manipulative tool to get the unremorseful WS to see something or do something - it is solely for you and your healing. It is "getting into you".
Here is the basic description:

There is also a follow-up thread which explains it in more detail here:

To your question

Any advice on letting go or holding on?

The maybe-not-so-secret recipe is -
the more you "hold on" to your own self, by necessity and nature, you "let go" of that which is harmful to you.
I wish you well.
Be strong!

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