Me: BS 37; WS 31 together 3 years
I have been angry, devastated, confused, full of rage and now I just feel stupid. I'm stupid because I think I should walk away, but I don't want to. When we are good, things are amazing. We click very well.
Any advice on letting go or holding on?
I bet you are tired. So many D-days. Is it the same AP or different AP's? (Affair Partner) Is your WS remorseful?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I'm fairly new myself (2 weeks out)'but I suggest read read read.
May I suggest that you start with the healing library it will provide the tools you need to assess whether you can (and more importantly what steps both of you need to take) in order to get past this.
In the mean time, pull up a chair, crab a cuppa and read.
I have a big talk when he comes back on Thursday and I am not prepared for that I feel very foolish. I agree when things are good they are great and that's what is keeping me here, but to go through emotional upheaval over and over. Not so much.
Me: BS 47 WS 45 together 4, married 1
There were many AP, mostly one night stands, but a few so called friends.
There is a lot of remorse. I think it is almost a compulsion like gambling or something
No wonder you are overwhelmed and tired, that's a lot of d-days! A lot of betrayal and pain, a lot of grieving is what you have been doing for 2 years.
Have you been to counseling? Has he? What happened on your d-days, did he become an open book, show remorse, take steps to correct. Sometimes things go on because they get swept under the rug and not dealt with from the very beginning.
From what you have written, there are many AP's. I am not a therapist, but I do think after being on this site a lot of years that he may need a sexual addiction evaluation. If he agrees, make sure it is a certified sexual addictions therapist that does the eval and continues with treatment.
Have you ever consulted with an attorney regarding your rights in a divorce?
The limbo you are feeling is from wanting to believe he can change, but he hasn't shown you he is willing to do so.
I agree with the others to read in the healing library, also read posts in Reconciliation and in Divorce and Separation. There are great posts in both to help you see what both sides are like.
In the meantime, do take care of you. Even if your WS won't go, make an appointment for yourself for individual counseling (IC). The benefit for you in sorting through this mish mash with a neutral party will help immensely!
Even under the best of circumstances, the process for getting through this betrayal is going to take 2 to 5 years. Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or leave it, this is the healing curve for most folks.
The best advice I ever got here at SI was watch actions, don't listen to words. Words are easy, but it's when the words and actions match that you will see progress in your husband and also yourself.
Being angry, even at yourself, is a part of the process. Just remember: You didn't cause. You can't change it. You can't cure it. Be observant, be aware, watch what he does, make decisions based on evidence and facts.
You will be okay. You are on one helluva rollercoaster ride emotionally.
Our MC told us not to make any decisions at first regarding the marriage. It was a blessing to hear that I could take the time I needed to make the decision of whether I could continue to live with my husband or not. He and I are still together, but he did things to show me that he wasn't going to cheat again and was remorseful about what had happened. It took a while for me to see those changes without thinking he was a rat bastard f**khead all the time. I had to heal, he had to help me heal and fix himself. It was hard, but we are much better now.
Does he take any actions that shows he is intent on fixing this behavior? Transparency, accountability, going to IC, digging into what motivates him.
Even if he were doing the above, he would still be a massive risk since this is a systemic pattern. There's a saying--you can't fix broken. You can't love him enough to fill up the hole inside of him. No matter how well you click, it won't be enough for him. Here's another handy thought--he's shown you who he is, and the best predictor of future actions is past actions. And lastly:
I know how much you want your love to be enough. It still kills me that my exWBF really loved me and still betrayed me and needed extra validation from unhealthy sources, that he knew he was doing something wrong at the same time he justified doing it. It's so sad to waste a real connection with someone. To waste real love.
But he just can't give you love and support in the way you need. Try to get some IC to figure out why you struggle to let go. And think about what your boundaries are, and if there are consequences when they are broken. Right now, you are there for him no matter how he behaves, so what incentive does he have to respect your needs over his?
What are you willing to accept for yourself, TiredinVT? Really think about that. I know you deserve better than what you're getting. Maybe you want to help save him from his behavior...but the only person you can save here is yourself.
ETA: That single, happy, indepedent person is still inside you. She just needs to be given another chance to come out.
[This message edited by norabird at 11:51 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]
Awesome. I change that him to a her and it very much works for me anyway. Its one of the hardest pieces to realize when you're the BS, but trying to invoke change in someone who is any less than fully remorseful is just gonna cause you more pain.
"A unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to it's face."
He is seeing IC, we did MC. We had a family meeting with his parents and he told them what he had done.
He has made effort, but he gets annoyed after a while that it is taking so long for me to feel ok. Then, he makes bad decisions.
His APs were a mix of friends and random. He also maintained several email accounts, dating site ads.
The "detach" part, the "you can't fix him and put remorse there" part eventually requires us to take care of our own healing.
To do that, you begin the 180. It is counter-intuitive at first, but once you own and internalize the principle that it is all about you and your healing, it makes sense and becomes easier. Repeat. The 180 is not to be used as a manipulative tool to get the unremorseful WS to see something or do something - it is solely for you and your healing. It is "getting into you".
Here is the basic description:
There is also a follow-up thread which explains it in more detail here:
To your question