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I Laid The Line Down

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MsRukia posted 2/11/2014 20:22 PM

6 months:
He must join a 12 Step Program
Get an accountability
No porn, checking out chicks, etc.
He will date me
Sex is off the table for a while

I hope this is what's going to save our marriage.
He says he's going to do it. I'm hopeful. It's hard to see him hurting over this. But I feel confident it's what we need.
Affairs suck.
I need wine and chocolate. I'm fighting my co-dependency right now.

MsRukia posted 2/11/2014 20:23 PM

Oops posted twice.

Chippednotbroken posted 2/11/2014 20:23 PM

Good for you, what happens if he doesn't?

Lionne posted 2/11/2014 20:43 PM

What is the 12 step program? If it's for sex addictions, he needs a certified sex addiction therapist, NOT a regular IC.

YOU should also see one for you.

MsRukia posted 2/11/2014 20:47 PM

Seperation. But I am hoping this will work.
12 Step Program for SA.
I'm in IC already.

Morhurt posted 2/11/2014 22:29 PM

Good job, it's not easy to turn our backs on the codependency, but you know it's for the best. I hope things start to fall into place for you.

MsRukia posted 2/11/2014 23:51 PM

Me too more. But he's not happy about it ((sigh))

refuz2bavictim posted 2/12/2014 01:39 AM

I'm fighting my co-dependency right now.

Keep up the good fight!

Remember that Codependency helps keep an addict in the addiction cycle.

MsRukia posted 2/12/2014 09:17 AM

I'm trying. It's really hard. He said he doesn't think I'm committed. That I just want him to quit and walk away. And then he asked to go to a joint session because she helps me communicate better ((sigh))
I don't understand what's happening. I'm feeling confused.

TennisTC posted 2/12/2014 10:55 AM

Gently, he is continuing to manipulate you. You gave him a list of requirements for R, stated the consequence of not following through, and what does he do? He asks you to go to therapy with him bc you are not communicating effectively?!?

Just like refuz2bavictim said in your last post:

He still fails to address his issues while focusing on what he perceives to be your issues.
Addicts without support protect their addiction.

And when something threatens to unravel the walls built around the addiction, they get testy, feel judged and find other ways to give up the activity that threatens to weaken the addiction.

He is deflecting and blameshifting right now to take the focus off him and his addiction. You feel confused bc he wants to keep you feeling unsure and off balance. If he can continue to convince you that you are the problem then it takes the focus off him and his addiction.

Sending you (((hugs))) and strength.

Kelany posted 2/12/2014 11:06 AM

Is he up for reading? Are you? If so, I have some book suggestions for both him, and you for SA.

sisoon posted 2/12/2014 11:06 AM

Gently, you're not committed to R, and that's a very good choice for you at this point, IMO. In fact I think every BS should withhold committing to R until s/he has experienced at least a few months of consistent work for R by the WS. Why commit heart and soul to R before the WS has?

Both you and your H have written that he basically equates sex with love. That's a major thinking problem. Worse, right now that makes your M into a win-lose proposition - if you say 'no', he feels lousy; if you say 'yes', you do.

Here's the thing, though - you have a right to say 'no', and sex isn't love, so your H is flat out wrong. If he's committed to R, he needs to change himself so he can feel good even if you say 'no'.

If he's committed to R, he'll get effective IC and stop beating you up/whining/beating himself up/looking elsewhere when you say 'no'.

MsRukia posted 2/12/2014 11:54 AM

Thanks guys for your support. I need it. And I'm up for reading. He will hopefully too at some point. So I'll gladly take any suggestions.

Sammy2013 posted 2/12/2014 12:05 PM

I just sent you a PM. Your list is much like mine. Here's to hoping! Good thoughts!!

MsRukia posted 2/12/2014 12:13 PM

Thanks Sammy.

refuz2bavictim posted 2/12/2014 14:19 PM

I don't understand what's happening. I'm feeling confused.

The continued focus on you needs to stop.
You have already taken an active role in your own health.

You are a strong, intelligent woman, and you are perfectly capable of working and focusing on your issues without him adding confusion. In fact you already have shown this. You already have IC.

He can get himself to therapy. Your ability to "communicate" is NOT his priority. Dealing with his issues is his priority. Period.

His behavior is chipping away at your progress. That is not how a healthy partner shows support. A convenient way to keep focus off of him and onto you.

You really need to start protecting yourself and your progress. These offers to "help" you are designed to chip away at any sense of independence you gain.

You can be a healthy person with an independent sense of self in a M.

The addiction can't exist in a relationship with a healthy partner. A healthy you won't accept the addiction within the confines of the relationship.

I hope you can see that he wants both right now. You AND the addiction. And in order for that to happen, you can't be strong, healthy confident and independent. You have to be a codependent.

Some of the changes you are making, threaten the status quo.

He's fighting hard to keep this addiction. You need to fight harder for a healthy you.

Wishing you lots of strength for the tough road ahead. Stay strong MsRukia

MsRukia posted 2/12/2014 15:08 PM

Thanks Refuz.

I am still learning and growing. I'm going to stick to my guns. I have confidence it's going to make a difference. All of your support is helping me feel way less confused.

tushnurse posted 2/12/2014 15:38 PM

MsR you are getting stronger, and stronger, but he is still manipulating you.

He wants you to say you are all in, so it's worth it to him to even try. No. Not ok. He is the one with something to prove. R is not a yes or no thing, it is a long process, and one commits to trying, and doing the right things, and then deciding. You should not allow him to manipulate you into saying yes you are all in. What happens when he fails you in this situation?
You have to stay because you promised?

Nope you are willing to attempt it, but if he waivers, lies, or does not stick to your requirements, you absolutely HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. He has to know you mean it.

You are getting there. Demand the respect, and love you deserve.

(((and strength)))

MsRukia posted 2/12/2014 15:51 PM

Thanks Tush. I know what I have to do and I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to continue to the path of R if he does what I have required. It's on him now. I can't fix it on my own.

Kelany posted 2/12/2014 16:36 PM

Patrick Carnes is amazing for SA.

Out Of the Shadows
Out Of the Shadows of the Net (more for porn)

For you:

Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes.

You should get in a S-Anon group for you too. It will help with the support, how to distinguish manipulation, boundaries and getting yourself healthy.

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