SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

6 months:

He must join a 12 Step Program

Do IC

Get an accountability

No porn, checking out chicks, etc.

He will date me

Sex is off the table for a while

I hope this is what's going to save our marriage.

He says he's going to do it. I'm hopeful. It's hard to see him hurting over this. But I feel confident it's what we need.

Affairs suck.

I need wine and chocolate. I'm fighting my co-dependency right now.

Oops posted twice.

Good for you, what happens if he doesn't?

What is the 12 step program? If it's for sex addictions, he needs a certified sex addiction therapist, NOT a regular IC.

YOU should also see one for you.

Seperation. But I am hoping this will work.

12 Step Program for SA.

I'm in IC already.

Good job, it's not easy to turn our backs on the codependency, but you know it's for the best. I hope things start to fall into place for you.

((Hugs))

Me too more. But he's not happy about it ((sigh))

I'm fighting my co-dependency right now.

Keep up the good fight!

Remember that Codependency helps keep an addict in the addiction cycle.

I'm trying. It's really hard. He said he doesn't think I'm committed. That I just want him to quit and walk away. And then he asked to go to a joint session because she helps me communicate better ((sigh))

I don't understand what's happening. I'm feeling confused.

Gently, he is continuing to manipulate you. You gave him a list of requirements for R, stated the consequence of not following through, and what does he do? He asks you to go to therapy with him bc you are not communicating effectively?!?

Just like refuz2bavictim said in your last post:

He still fails to address his issues while focusing on what he perceives to be your issues.

and

Addicts without support protect their addiction.

And when something threatens to unravel the walls built around the addiction, they get testy, feel judged and find other ways to give up the activity that threatens to weaken the addiction.

He is deflecting and blameshifting right now to take the focus off him and his addiction. You feel confused bc he wants to keep you feeling unsure and off balance. If he can continue to convince you that you are the problem then it takes the focus off him and his addiction.

Sending you (((hugs))) and strength.

Is he up for reading? Are you? If so, I have some book suggestions for both him, and you for SA.

Gently, you're not committed to R, and that's a very good choice for you at this point, IMO. In fact I think every BS should withhold committing to R until s/he has experienced at least a few months of consistent work for R by the WS. Why commit heart and soul to R before the WS has?

Both you and your H have written that he basically equates sex with love. That's a major thinking problem. Worse, right now that makes your M into a win-lose proposition - if you say 'no', he feels lousy; if you say 'yes', you do.

Here's the thing, though - you have a right to say 'no', and sex isn't love, so your H is flat out wrong. If he's committed to R, he needs to change himself so he can feel good even if you say 'no'.

If he's committed to R, he'll get effective IC and stop beating you up/whining/beating himself up/looking elsewhere when you say 'no'.

Thanks guys for your support. I need it. And I'm up for reading. He will hopefully too at some point. So I'll gladly take any suggestions.

I just sent you a PM. Your list is much like mine. Here's to hoping! Good thoughts!!

Thanks Sammy.

I don't understand what's happening. I'm feeling confused.

The continued focus on you needs to stop.

You have already taken an active role in your own health.

You are a strong, intelligent woman, and you are perfectly capable of working and focusing on your issues without him adding confusion. In fact you already have shown this. You already have IC.

He can get himself to therapy. Your ability to "communicate" is NOT his priority. Dealing with his issues is his priority. Period.

His behavior is chipping away at your progress. That is not how a healthy partner shows support. A convenient way to keep focus off of him and onto you.

You really need to start protecting yourself and your progress. These offers to "help" you are designed to chip away at any sense of independence you gain.

You can be a healthy person with an independent sense of self in a M.

The addiction can't exist in a relationship with a healthy partner. A healthy you won't accept the addiction within the confines of the relationship.

I hope you can see that he wants both right now. You AND the addiction. And in order for that to happen, you can't be strong, healthy confident and independent. You have to be a codependent.

Some of the changes you are making, threaten the status quo.

He's fighting hard to keep this addiction. You need to fight harder for a healthy you.

Wishing you lots of strength for the tough road ahead. Stay strong MsRukia

Thanks Refuz.

I am still learning and growing. I'm going to stick to my guns. I have confidence it's going to make a difference. All of your support is helping me feel way less confused.

MsR you are getting stronger, and stronger, but he is still manipulating you.

He wants you to say you are all in, so it's worth it to him to even try. No. Not ok. He is the one with something to prove. R is not a yes or no thing, it is a long process, and one commits to trying, and doing the right things, and then deciding. You should not allow him to manipulate you into saying yes you are all in. What happens when he fails you in this situation?

You have to stay because you promised?

Nope you are willing to attempt it, but if he waivers, lies, or does not stick to your requirements, you absolutely HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. He has to know you mean it.

You are getting there. Demand the respect, and love you deserve.

(((and strength)))

Thanks Tush. I know what I have to do and I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to continue to the path of R if he does what I have required. It's on him now. I can't fix it on my own.

Patrick Carnes is amazing for SA.

Out Of the Shadows

Out Of the Shadows of the Net (more for porn)

For you:

Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes.

You should get in a S-Anon group for you too. It will help with the support, how to distinguish manipulation, boundaries and getting yourself healthy.