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My fault for checking

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GotPlayed posted 2/11/2014 22:40 PM

STBXWW, on her last two or three weekend unsolicited "about the kids" texts, has been mentioning about buying stuff for the kids in (city one hour north we seldom ever visited).

When OM contacted me last he tried several avenues, including sending me a friend request on Facebook which I ignored.

Stupid me today went to his Fb page (even if you ignore the request, you have the "friend" view for a few days).

Of course he was in the same city, same day, same time. And now I know where they had lunch.

He also has a lot of misogynistic sayings on his wall. Which I know are about my STBXWW.

His birthday was just last week, btw.

Crap. I shouldn't have looked. At least he doesn't have any pictures with her. They are both keeping it hidden.

This just set me back a while. And now I know why STBXWW kept insisting on mentioning the name of the city. She was fishing for a reaction to see if I knew! At least it's still crickets. But now crickets will decidedly be harder.

I hate what she did. May I can find freedom from their damage soon.

I don't know why I even care.

BAB61 posted 2/11/2014 22:57 PM

Don't beat yourself up anymore ... just chalk it up to experience, let it go and move on.

They deserve each other ... hopefully you will be the main parent for your kids ... keep it real GP!

roarlouder posted 2/11/2014 23:00 PM

Sorry GotPlayed... That's a tough one. I think some of us need those lessons to help us let go. I fully admit to monitoring things online too, just waiting for some proof they are seeing eachother. My STBXH denies it (shocking) but its a matter of time.

Sending you strength. Try to think about how they are eachothers karma... And the satisfaction it would give both of them to know you cared enough to find out... And enough to bring it up.

GotPlayed posted 2/11/2014 23:39 PM

An empty rationalization I used after the fact was that when we have our mandatory mediation for the kids' I need to mention that the affair is still ongoing. By having them in the same place at the same time I can wait for her to lie and then bring it up.

But of course the L can do that for me by just calling this idiot. After all, he'd confirm it, they have a love-hate thing going.

I started posting cool things on Facebook instead (my privacy settings are friends only and WW blocked me), including a very cute picture of my kids today. I'm pretty sure she's having someone send her whatever I post (we do have a lot of common friends because of the kids) because I got a text from WW not 10 minutes after asking to send "her babies a kiss". Just thinking of her and a kiss makes me a little sick, thinking where those lips have been. Of course crickets.

@BAB61 I hope I can be their main parent. I am doing everything possible. I'm very well above 50% every week. It's hard with autism. But it will pay off, and it's wonderful to have my kids with me regardless. I don't have much in this sparse house, but we do housework together - we were doing laundry all together earlier and they were all smiles helping daddy. I should have put some music to keep it lively and fun. Next time.

@roarlouder, definitely not bringing it up. Until trial or social worker eval. Might as well have the pain serve a purpose.

careerlady posted 2/12/2014 22:13 PM

I guess you are hoping to use the A against because of OM's convict status? Be careful about the new hurts in sure you've learned they can sting. It will numb over time. Hopefully you will get primary custody and you and the kids will be better for it.

GotPlayed posted 2/13/2014 00:35 AM

Thank you careerlady.

It's a weird feeling, being both free and scared. Everything is a little harder but not as much as I thought it would be, and itīs depressing because it underscores how much I was taking on that I'm not going insane right now.

I was raised by my mother after my dad became a WH until she passed when I was young. In my country there's a lot of family support though so I never lacked a mother figure (aunts, grandmothers). But I was forced to learn to care for my own (room, clothes cleaning, etc) and was constantly surrounded by the love and support of good, strong ladies.

And now, everything I was taught tells me I shouldn't be able to do this on my own as a man - and indeed during the height of happiness in our marriage I might not have been as good about housework as I could have, with the working full time and her being a SAHM and whatnot. As she started complaining and needing "space", I started giving in more and more, and taking on more and more of the house while she went absent. Now I can run my own household without batting an eye. Yes it is hard to do it all. Yes it is lonely. But no, I don't (and never did) see housework or kid stuff as being any less, and I think she always did, sadly.

But I love my kids and I do the housework with music now so it's working great. Yet at the same time, the prospect of my children lacking a mother's unique kind of love brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. But I can't let my daughter grow up to think the modeling she is seeing is ok.I'd rather her have a strong father figure and have her see her own aunts and grandmothers often to fill the mother figure. WW's youth was touggh, she was a ward of the state for a while because my MIL was found incompetent or something. There's a lot of damage there, but when I met her and we were so in love and her strength of character was so great I thought it had been resolved.

I don't want WW to lose the kids. But if it takes ending up with visitation to shake her into understanding what she's doing to the whole family, so be it. Tough love it is then.

Still need to talk to L, but I want to bring it all in the open during custody hearing. Then let the social workers do their job, check us both out. At the same time, I'd like to offer to pay for her therapist and continue with a 50/50 arrangement as long as she's still seeing one, while the rest of the D goes forward.

The mother of my children needs help. My children need a mother. My end game is a healthy woman in my kids' lives. I don't care who she's with by then as long as she's healthy. What she has right now is not healthy. And from what I saw on OM's FB page he doesn't love her. At all.And she must know it.

One day she will understand that was love too.

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