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Bad start to my day, could use your hugs, 2x4's, advice.

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GingerAle posted 2/12/2014 09:51 AM

When my WH was leaving for work this morning, I came into the kitchen to start my coffee. He had laid two past-due utility bills on the counter and wrote on one of them in big red print "YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE BILLS!" This has been one of his blame shifting, a$$hat, NPD stunts for years. He loudly claims at some point that I am an endless pit wanting money, and he will control it and pay all of our bills. He does not pay the bills; does one or more irresponsible things with the money, then tells me to pay them, knowing full well I have no way to do so. Then goes into a tirade about how horrible I am with money, and all sorts of other nasty insults. Lather.Rinse.Repeat. I wrote about some of his wonderful money managing skills in my post yesterday if you're interested

We do not have the money to pay these bills, because of his bad money management. Instead of just ignoring him this morning, I foolishly, stupidly, reminded him of this and why we don't have the money. I then receive a verbal smack down from him about how horrible of a person I am and there is no way he is moving out until I can prove that I can be responsible, and some more lovely thoughts from him.

I was so mad at myself after he left. I KNOW BETTER. Then as the anger slowed down, I melted into tears over my hatred for him, his ugly, cruel, inhumane self.

I guess I just need some reassurance that I AM going to make it through this and survive. And make a better life for my kids and I. I am going to call one of the attorneys today that I talked to a while back whom I really like, and feel like he has mine and my children's best interest in the forefront. I have to change my thinking on trying to get him out of here. It's going to take too long. I really had hoped to stay here because it's such a great neighborhood and my kids have a lot of friends in it. But the kids and I will have to find a new place. And we will be just fine.

I need to get my strength and resolve back. I hate this scared, sad feeling.

nekorb posted 2/12/2014 09:54 AM

I'm so sorry.

My only advice is to perhaps call the utilities companies that are owed the money and see what they can do to help you until you can get something together.

I know that doesn't help you with your WH or the legal aspects of things.


PurpleBlueBella posted 2/12/2014 09:56 AM

Hugs!! I'm sorry he is such an asshole. I know many advise staying, but leaving was the best thing I ever did!! I have two kids and it's hard, but there is peace!
You can do this!!!

newlysingle posted 2/12/2014 10:34 AM

You must leave. I'm in a similar place, in a sense. I'm D now, but XH really wanted me to keep the house. It's in a fantastic neighborhood and has increased in value significantly since we bought it. However, it is big and needs a ton of work. So far, X has been helpful with paying for repairs, but I don't know how long that will last. He and OW spend like crazy and I think his money will be gone soon.

I've made the emotional decision to sell. While I feel sad for selling my children's home, I know it's my ticket to freedom. I can find a small, affordable rental until I finish school and will have a chunk of money in the bank.

You and the kids will be fine and the peace of mind you'll receive from being disentangled with him is priceless. Go see that attorney, file and get your financial agreement. Lots of hugs to you today.

nowiknow23 posted 2/12/2014 10:37 AM


Nature_Girl posted 2/12/2014 10:45 AM


You will be okay. Things will probably be rocky & scary at times, but you will manage. You do not need this man's permission to live your own life or make your own life decisions.

dmari posted 2/12/2014 10:52 AM

But the kids and I will have to find a new place. And we will be just fine.
ABSOLUTELY!! You cannot continue to live with such an abusive and manipulative person. He is trying to break you. Just want to send you a thousand (((((GA))))) and remind you that freedom will taste so so so sweet!!

GingerAle posted 2/12/2014 11:14 AM

Thank you all so much. I wish I could put into words how much your support and hugs mean to me. It's amazing how much just hearing things like "you don't need his permission" helps me. It's so unreal to me that I didn't even know that for myself anymore. I feel like I am uncovering layers and layers of abuse and control, with your help. So grateful for each of you.

[This message edited by GingerAle at 11:15 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

MissMovingOn posted 2/12/2014 11:23 AM

Sometimes we need outside perspectives to recognize how distorted our own thinking has become. Quite often I can recognize other people's distorted thinking but absolutely cannot apply that to my own life. Shocking sometimes!

You can do this!

scarednbroken posted 2/12/2014 11:34 AM

I hear ya GA. I'm there now. But I do have control of our finances. I still can't pay the bills bc he skims all the time. Some has stations allow up to $50 over!! And when I ask why he needed it - he blows up at me telling me why shouldn't he be able to had cash in pocket? He makes it why can't he spend it? I told him OnCE he does - through credit cards. And that $50 was one half a payment of one... I never made that mistake again....

Now I am faced with all these it tied to everything we own going through a D (I hope). We won't be diving assets. We will be dividing debt.... :(

Good luck honey. Know that we are all here with you. And you need to be strong. Get him out or get you and the kids out. The abuse is not good for any of you.

sage2004 posted 2/12/2014 12:18 PM

Do not listen to him, when he is out of your life I bet you will be great financially, I bet when you are not so caught up in stress because of him, life will just fall into place. Affairs are a nightmare on finances, why does he think he can blame you. I feel your pain. But on a positive note, my WH and I both made good money, but he managed to save more than me all the time. He use to brag about how good he was at saving money. Once I left him, I could not believe how much extra money I had, I finally realized that I was paying for everything!! Now I'm fuming mad, I paid for the groceries, the gas, the trips, the vacations the clothes, the bills EVERYTHING!!! I wish I could contact him, and show him how much money I save without his cheap a*s making me pay for everything, and I paid for my MIL all the time too! It's not worth breaking NC for, but I hope that makes you feel better, I'm hoping you will be pleasantly surprised like I was when I was rid of him financially.

norabird posted 2/12/2014 12:20 PM

Talk to that lawyer, find a new place, miraculously find you can pay all the will happen! You are getting there.

GingerAle posted 2/12/2014 20:16 PM

Your words are so encouraging, and make so much sense!

Sometimes we need outside perspectives to recognize how distorted our own thinking has become.

One of the many reasons I am so thankful for all of you.

I was thinking about finances, and how some of you are so much better off alone. It will probably end up being that way for me, too. Even though my STXWH makes good money, so much of it goes to waste on late fees, bank overdrafts, and fees he incurs because of his idiotic spending habits. Not to mention the daily eating out at restaurants and excessive spending on his hobbies. We are always broke, always behind on everything, even though he makes enough to pay our bills, buy groceries and necessities, and have some left over to save and some for fun.

Yes, I know my budget will be tight, but it will be so worth it to have a peaceful, happy home

Nature_Girl posted 2/12/2014 21:12 PM

You're stronger than you think you are. I suspect you're starting to realize this. You might be amazed at what you can do when you don't have dead weight holding you back.

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