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Well, here I am sitting in my dr's waiting room and hour early... I'm so nervous my phone buzzes and I jump.

No one knows I'm here - or why.

I fill out the questionnaire - "Do you feel safe in relationships?" I left it blank. HOW CAN I ANSWER THAT?!?! on a paper? "Are you here for any reason other than your regular checkup?" Yes... __________ I couldn't put ON PAPER that I am here because my WH is a lying cheating rat who is screwing 40 women - or trying to - and I need tested. Ugh.... I am hoping that she will understand that I want to talk to her personally and not through a stupid questionnaire....

Good news - mammo looked ok to the tech. I have had several scares in the past, and she said so far, ok But that there will be a more thorough report done and results sent, so don't take it for solid gold. LOL I get that...

Next appointment is the L this afternoon. I think that may be worse than the GYN.....

I'm walking a nervous tightrope. Scared WH is going to find out that I am not at work. Scared that I will see one of his drivers that works IN the medical building I am at, and see me - report to WH. Scared that he may have put a GPS on my car and will be surprising me... Scared that he will look at the mileage on my car and see that it is 50 miles farther than it should be for today....

If dr says my BP is up, we all know why....

Wish me luck.

A little tough love here. WHY in the world should you be scared about what that SOB thinks.???? He is the one screwing other women! I would and did get tested too! And if one of his employees reports back to him....so what! He brought this on. Stop giving him control. He did this NOT YOU! This is all his doing.

Honey, why are you so scared? (((HUGS)))

He doesn't know I know what he is doing. He is living in his little happy place. Of he knows what I'm doing well.... I guess hell fire may seem tame...

Do you have anyone IRL you can lean on for support?

Not really. I can talk to my mom she lives 3 hours away. Most she can offer is, I'm behind you all the way... I just got home. I am now a little depressed and going to take some time to process all the information I got from the lawyer. It looks like I am trapped in this godawful place with this godawful man. Only thing to save me is my children.

Talk it out here with us. Okay? You know we've been where you are today. We understand and want to help ease your burden.

((((scarednbroken)))) Why do you feel trapped? Is it they first attorney you've seen, and are you sure he/she is giving you good legal advice?

I understand feeling like you can't do anything, I was there two months ago. I got out. It was hard but when those divorce papers were filed today giving me occupancy of the house and custody of the kids, I was giddy. Just move forward. We are here.

Yes. First atty. everything she said makes sense. It follows a the research. There is no way out for me. I'm trapped here. Even tho I live in a fault state she said ID would be better. Cheaper. Ok. Do I have the retainer? No. I have $400 lol. Yep. Can't even get financial aid bc I make too much $ alone even. My debt doesn't even come into consideration. She was sympathetic. Had lots of great info and ideas. Seems like she would love my case. But.....

This is what she said. Over the next year (!) I need to save enough to rent a house and pay my atty. I'm sitting here looking at all my financials. Only way I can do that is not pay the bills. Then what? He finds out and goes crazy on me. Yep. That's an excellent solution.

As I sit here I only see one way out. I have to go to him show him what I got tell him I want out. And hope he doesn't go crazy.

I can relate, except opposite genders. I was afraid of my now xW and what she would do. People seem to not understand that, but I didn't want conflict. I wanted it all to go away and I knew if she were on the defensive she might do terrible things and that made me afraid. Well, she did and they weren't that terrible and standing up to her the first time gave me all the power. It's a good feeling I hope you soon find.

I also had no job and no $$. I went with a lawyer who charged a flat fee for an easy no judge divorce. WE decided everything. It cost me $800 total after it was all done. But first I had to live separately for a year, with no job and no money.

I took a job 2 hours away b/c it was the only way I could start the process and get on with my life. It sucked. After 9 months I was able to move back and get 50/50 shared custody before any legal decisions had been made.

it too some back and forth and some threatening to sue her for adultery (living in a fault state has it's benefits - you have power) but, in the end, I got exactly what I wanted. It's empowering and you can do it, too.

Even tho I live in a fault state she said ID would be better

What is ID?

What do you mean you would hope he doesn't go crazy? Do you mean violent? Do you mean some other non-physical violence?

What that lawyer said doesn't make complete sense. We women are not trapped the way some lawyers make it out to be. Yes, we sometimes have to go through financial hell (I'm still there), but we are not slaves to our husbands any longer. We have the right to our freedom.

My mom gave me the money to retain my first lawyer. Do you have someone who could give/loan you that kind of money? And if you do, would it be possible for you to hire an attorney who has a set of balls, either attached or in their pocket? 'Cus the one you spoke to sounds a little wimpy.

ID - Irreconcilable differences

Meaning he can act like he is the victim, and he will, of a bitchy wife who just wants his money and to be single.(HAHHAHAHAA!!) It also means I have to endure his daily torture for 6 mnths of separation - which could be in-house. As some may recall, he has spent the past 7 years telling everyone that I am an awful wife, I rarely sleep with him (well, I'm afraid of STDs), I take all his paycheck and won't let him have any (bc I am paying bills) etc etc etc.... No one cares why I am the way I cam, the just hear his complaints.

And I don't fear that as much as I fear his anger. He will not be happy about this at all. However, as it stands, I am just not going anywhere anyway. He has me financially trapped in this marriage.

Gomphus - he will NOT settle for an easy divorce. He will want to take everything he can. He will have no problems leaving me and my children homeless just so he can have what he wants. This is a daily fight with us. He wants something, he whines and complains until our homelife is so unbearable and Im worn down to shreds, and cave. Him having custody - even temporary - of the kids without me there to run interference, is not an option.

I am working on an exit plan, but I am sure it will be flawed. I have never tried to get away before. Everyone says to dump my life and go, but I can't do that. Why should he get off scott free? Why should he be rewarded?

Everyone says to dump my life and go, but I can't do that. Why should he get off scott free? Why should he be rewarded?

He shouldn't be able to. But gently... the price you are paying of being in this marriage is much too high. Don't think of it as rewarding him by leaving. I think we actually reward them by staying and being their victims. Reward yourself with a new and better life. You and your children deserve it.

I don't say any of this lightly. I know for me, it's the hardest thing I have ever done. And will continue to be for a long time. But I have to keep my focus on the future, and what life is going to be like without him.

I know it's so, so hurtful when they lie and say horrible things about us and say they're going to tell other people. My husband has bullied and threatened me for years saying he was going to tell everyone I am this or that. And it has been difficult to stop worrying about that, but I just cannot let that fear control me anymore. I know the truth. My children know the truth. People who really and truly know and love me know the truth. That is enough for me and all that matters.

((((scarednbroken)))) There is a way out, please do not give up. You are not trapped, even though you don't know exactly what the path out is yet. You deserve so much better.

[This message edited by GingerAle at 11:03 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

(((Hugs)))

I'm sorry you're going through this.