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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Who is the WS really mad at? WS Welcome
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Question  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who is the WS really mad at?

I am having a hard time processing the anger and irritation my WS has toward me. He said the OW is where his heart is, she needs him and he has "feelings" for her. Since the 180 went into affect 2 weeks ago, he has been with her frequently.

However, when we talk on matters of business or the kids, he is irritated, and angry at me.

I dont get it. He is where he says he wants to be. He should be happy as a lark and at best, nonchalant or indifferent when we speak.

Why the anger toward the BS if they are with who they wanna be with?


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a very good question. I would venture a guess to say that the WS is mad at the BS for popping their little "fantasy" bubble. They wanted both lives and now they can't have it. Again, that's just a guess.

I'm sorry he's treating you this way.

(((Hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he really wanted is to have his wife, and then his whore on the side. You messed that up for him by discovering he is a lying, cheating prick.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NikkiD,
simply may be right. maybe he is mad at you for popping his fantasy bubble. cake eating is great: having the happy home and the extra AP fun. but i also wonder if he isn't mad at himself- when he talks with you he is reminded of what a mess he has made. but maybe i am giving him too much credit.

take care of yourself. keep working that 180 for you.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1482 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little different situ. But WW used to just get insanely angry at me.

During her LTA it was the worst. She would be out visiting *friends* (actually OM but I didnt know then) and I would call to see how she was doing. She would literally scream at me over the phone. She would scream how I was controlling her and how I was a awful husband.

After the LTA ended and there was NC she would still get angry. She would throw things and actually put holes in the walls. She would break my stuff. Said my crying was me just trying to make her feel bad. And then she would say she didnt feel bad.

IMO. I was reality seeping back into her life. She had to face what she was doing/had done. I represented her transgressions. I made her feel wrong. I represented the consequences of what she did. And that was why she was so angry.

Shes not like that any more now.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect he is mad at being seen for what he is. Angry that he can't pretend to be some great guy. Can that be his fault for not acting right? Surely not, in his mind! You must be to blame!

Similar to Razor, I was always treated to little fits or outbursts over trivial things when my exWBF was actively cheating. At the time I thought, why is he getting bent out of shape at me for something so small?! Now I know he just couldn't sit with how he was lying and betraying me, and instead of facing that, he found pretexts to make me the bad guy. It's twisted but seems like another entry for that cheater's manual...


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Razor
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that during the LTA angry outbursts could be a way of keeping us at arms length. A way of distancing them self.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
phoenixrise
♀ 41745
Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to live out his little fantasy relationship with the OW without the bothers of you and financial/ business situations and responsibilities aka reality. So he may be annoyed that he has to deal with it while he is in temporary la la land (highly doubt they will last). Well guess what? you're there to stay...he will always have to deal with you because you had kids together...he will not get to live his fantasy life in peace due to his transgressions. Oh I would make it really rocky and uncomfortable for them!


"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs M...wow to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

at himself. There is no way to spin this so that he isn't the bad guy, and he knows it.
I mean on the surface, its everyone else. But really, it's not.

I read this today about affairs:

"When we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner we're turning away from, but the
person we ourselves have become. We're seeking not another partner, but another self."


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5775 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's use the cake eater scenario....

Your marriage gave him his real sustenance. You were his healthy choice that allowed for growth, comfort, intellect, etc. Your relationship gave him children to give him a future and a legacy. This is the true, real source of life.

Then, his A gave him cake. Ooey, gooey, sweet cake. Now that he has removed you and the children for the OW, he only gets cake. 24/7 cake. Nothing nutritious or life giving, just sugar. He is on the sugar roller coaster and that makes people nasty and mean. Sugar highs dive in a hurry. Too bad for him. It's not you, it's the sugar diet.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1611 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"When we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner we're turning away from, but the
person we ourselves have become. We're seeking not another partner, but another self."

Oh my...that is good.


Let's use the cake eater scenario....
Your marriage gave him his real sustenance. You were his healthy choice that allowed for growth, comfort, intellect, etc. Your relationship gave him children to give him a future and a legacy. This is the true, real source of life.
Then, his A gave him cake. Ooey, gooey, sweet cake. Now that he has removed you and the children for the OW, he only gets cake. 24/7 cake. Nothing nutritious or life giving, just sugar. He is on the sugar roller coaster and that makes people nasty and mean. Sugar highs dive in a hurry. Too bad for him. It's not you, it's the sugar diet.

HA! Love this explanation!!!

I think that during the LTA angry outbursts could be a way of keeping us at arms length. A way of distancing them self.

I absolutely can relate to this. Because when I busted him this last time, I said something like: WTF, so you fycked this chick raw and was gonna come ask me for head? What in the entire kinda sick fyck are you? He said something like: IDK...find a way to get out of it or reject you when you asked for sex...

[This message edited by NikkiD at 12:55 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
SurelyNOT
♀ 40617
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh My Goodness, this describes my ws so very, very much. He says he doesn't understand how "everyone is one-sided", and the extent of the lies that he has told to people to justify his actions is beyond belief. He has quit his job because he didn't like what people had to say to him about his conduct. He lives in a completely different area of town, where nobody knows the story of how "they" came to be a couple. Talk about running away from the mess you have created. Anytime we do talk, he inevitable ends up yelling, cussing me out, and slamming down the phone. He is truly pathetic but has to continue down this desperate path that he choose, because otherwise it would prove he was wrong to leave us, and he could never admit to being wrong - after all this is his "fresh start". Good luck with that

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish they could all be sent to some island in the middle of nowhere. (NOT a tropical paradise). And leave the rest of us to have relationships with each other, instead of dragging good people into their sh*t! Then when they get mad, it can be directed at people who deserve it...


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what your backstory is but in my case, my WH was pissed that 2.5 years of fantasy world came to a crashing halt. He no longer had his "drug of choice" (AP) and had to confront issues he'd long put off - childhood, emotional, etc. He had to face the damage he'd done to his children (both kids had issues in school because they knew something was up at home). He was mad at me for being the mean parent who took all of his fun away, he was mad at himself for getting caught/for having to pay the price at last/for getting involved in the first place (that comes later), he was beginning to see the AP in the (harsher) light of day (her reaction to the outing of the affair was one of "why did you tell her? I am worried about my reputation" vs. worried/concerned that his world is crashing down).

His anger lasted at least 6 months. There were many outbursts along the way in the months following DD especially when it came to unveiling more of the truth about the affair. As long as the lies persisted, the anger persisted as well. In time he has come to recognize that the only person he can be mad at is himself. He has to take full responsibility for what he did.

It can't be fun for the WS and AP to have all of this come crashing in. Not that we should feel sorry for them. Rather, something to think about and perhaps enjoy knowing that they are in their own world of pain. It's certainly something they NEVER anticipated in any way.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but i also wonder if he isn't mad at himself-when he talks with you he is reminded of what a mess he has made. but maybe i am giving him too much credit

Maybe this ^^^^

Your a reminder.of what a fuck up he is...he'd prefer to just pretend he didn't abandon his family


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5277 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your a reminder.of what a fuck up he is...he'd prefer to just pretend he didn't abandon his family

If it can be looked at objectively, this is probably more so what it is than anything. The times we have seen each other, he wouldnt so much as look me in my face.

And even looking at it that way, it still baffles me....Its like, uh, you the one made the decision to get married and keep a girlfriend..how about you NOT BE MARRIED so you can do wtf you please?


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My un remorseful, waiting to leave me WH is still angry about things I did years ago, that I've asked for forgiveness for, tried to make amends about.... NOW he is additionally mad that I've worked through some things in therapy and made great progress on these issues. However, it wasn't on his timeline and he was using that particular topic as rationalization for withdrawing, emotionally, from the marriage and deciding (in his mind) to leave the marriage, and thus, an affair was permissible.

I don't get why my WH won't forgive me....I don't think he knows how to forgive people...he just just doesn't talk about it anymore...never really forgives.

I hope some WS's chime in too. I'm interested to hear everyone's answers though.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They're always mad when they're cheating and he's definitely still cheating on you. I think they manufacture the anger as a way to justify the terrible betrayal they are orchestrating.

A currently cheating spouse is a terribly negative person to be around for the betrayed IMHO.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:08 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LoveHerStill
♂ 31504
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWW is a clinical psychologist. I have always found psychology fascinating and have read a ton about it.

I believe their behaviour toward the spouse during the affair is a direct result of what is called cognitive dissonance. Google this term for more in depth understanding.

Basically, by engaging in an affair, they know that what they are doing is wrong but they justify it in any myriad ways but they still know it is wrong. Blame MUST be placed somewhere in order to make sense of the conflicting thoughts and confusion. Since the affair partner is "perfect and makes them feel wonderful about themselves," the fault MUST lie with the spouse.

Also part of this is that the spouse represents the source of the conflicting feelings, so they reject the spouse in an attempt to reject the conflicting feelings.

This neatly explains the "fog" to me.

I can also personally identify with cognitive dissonance as I experience it in my struggle with alcohol.

The fog lifting is simply them coming to terms with the mental gymnastics that cognitive dissonance has played in their actions.

Only then can any change take place. Awareness is a necessary first step for change.

Just my opinion, YMMV.

actions.


Me BH-45
Her WW-44
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.


Posts: 543 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nikki he is mad at you because you're forcing that mirror in front of him. He should be mad at himself but he doesn't know what it is to be an adult and take accountability. Easier to lay it at your feet then admitting his wrongs.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 28
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