SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Ivyivy posted 2/12/2014 11:41 AM

I have a question for everyone who succeeded at reconciliation - if you had to do it over would you make the same choice?

I am at a crossroads - 7 months post Dday and I cannot decide where to go from here. My WH has been pushing to reconcile. We still live together but have only superficial contact for the most part surrounding the kids. I cannot wrap my brain around what a life with him post A will be like or how I can put effort and faith into a relationship that in my eyes "failed."

Please tell me if reconciliation worked for you...

AttemptStrength posted 2/12/2014 12:36 PM

I'm about 4 years past Dday and we are still married. A lot of things are different and many things still the same.

Would I do it all over again? I don't know. I say that because I didn't take the other road and do not know what that outcome would have been.

It hasn't been easy and I doubt the other path would have been either. That said, life isn't bad, it's fairly good. I trust him more now then I ever have. Though some things still trigger. I actually got through this last holiday season without having an anxiety attack. He pays attention better now, before he used to just run away into video games. He reads our son bed time stories and helps him with his math. Things I never thought I'd see.

Really it comes down to the waywards actions. If the actions don't say I'm horribly sorry and I want to rebuild then there isn't a chance. Words mean fuck all at the point you are at and will for a while. What has he DONE to move forward with you?

atsenaotie posted 2/12/2014 12:44 PM

Hi Ivyivy,

R has worked for me, it took 4+ years. I would follow the same path again, because once I got to acceptance and healed (2+ years) I would want to know that I had made a genuine effort because my FWW made/is making a genuine effort. Following the same path would not necessarily have resulted in the same outcome, but I would have hung in until I was sure we could not R.

For what it is worth, we (I) did not really work on R until 2-3 years post dday. The first year I was just angry and depressed. The next couple of years I was "not divorcing" while I waited to see if FWW owned her A-crpa and issues, and sustained her work on the same.

I get that you are not sure you can live with this, you are not yet to acceptance and healed. Not Divorcing is perfect for you while you wait to see what your WH does.

7 months post Dday ... My WH has been pushing to reconcile.

So what has he done so far? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and / or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how they apply to your M and his A? Has he attended IC to understand hsi "whys" for having the A? With WS of a LTA (including my own), I often see difficulty with emotional intimacy, empathy, and true love in a relationship. Has he explored any of this? Has he taken over some household chores and childcare to free time for you to expand your social network of friends and activities as you work to heal yourself and rebuild a life not centered on him? How he different now, what assurances (in actions) is there from him that if you R that relationship will not fail also?

So long as you feel safe, that you are reasonably sure he is maintaining NC, that he is not threatening you or abusing you, then I think you are safe just staying and watching while works on fixing his issues and sustaining a demonstrating through actions and attitudes that he is ready to be the H you want and need for R.

ETA: I think it is noteworthy that AttemptStrenght and I both ask the same questions. What has he done, what is he doing?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:47 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

sparklezombie posted 2/12/2014 12:56 PM

R did not work for me. First DD in 2009. Separated and WH wanted me back. We went to MC, but unknown to me he was still having ONS and an on again off again LTR. In 2011 I found out he was cheating, moved out (while pregnant). He wanted to get back together, same song and dance, went to MC, etc. Still cheating. I moved out last month and haven't looked back.

R did not work because he didn't want it to. He wanted to keep cheating and have me at the same time. He had no problem lying to me, sleeping around while I was pregnant or after our daughter was born, etc. He felt entitled to do it too. So even though he talked a good game, there were no actions supporting it. It didn't work for us.

You say WH is pushing you to reconcile, but what do his actions say? What is he doing to SHOW you that he wants to R? I don't care what he's telling you, what he does is way more important. Wish I'd learned that years ago.

Also, for the record, it feels much better to be out and on my own. I feel like I've gained a lot of clarity and a lot of peace. That's a nice change.

tearingaway posted 2/12/2014 16:02 PM

I am still married to WW. Things are considerably different now than they were before D-Day all those years ago. R works differently for different people.

If I had to do it all over again, I think I would have just gotten a D. Even after all the counseling sessions and talks and time, I am still so angry. I grieve to this day over the loss of the beautiful marriage I thought I had and R could never deal with that grief.

I changed for the worse on D-Day and I don't think R will ever make me or my M whole again.

RidingHealingRd posted 2/12/2014 16:33 PM

I am 3+yrs post Dday and I have no regrets about my decision to give my WH a 2nd change.

I believe that R worked for us because my WH wanted it more than I did. On Dday he ardently beseeched me to give him a 2nd chance. He was 100% remorseful/accountable, had the endurance needed to withstand my emotional volatility, and worked daily to fix what he destroyed.

His daily actions proved to me that he was deeply sorry and that he was working to become a better H, father, human being. After such a huge betrayal I needed to witness a gigantic effort on his part, without that I would have easily D him.

7 months is still early. The fact that you cannot decided is an indication that maybe a decision is not warranted at this time.

During the tremendous struggles of the first 2 years I was not always certain whether I would remain in my M. Today I do not question my decision, I am thankful for it.

Wishing you strength in your effort to gain clarity.

Neithan posted 2/12/2014 17:41 PM

4th antiversary of D-day is coming up in a few days. We're still together, and I'm content in the relationship. We have fun together, enjoy each other's company in most circumstances, and travel well together. The sex life is great. Certain favorite people, activities, and places have been irredeemably tainted by her affair, and I still grieve those losses at times.

It's not what it was but I love her.

Holly-Isis posted 2/12/2014 18:28 PM

Not for me.

After the 1A we rugswept, as advised by our MC at the time. He called it forgiveness but never talking about it is rugsweeping, not forgiveness. You can't forgive what you don't know, IMO.

After 2A I(well, 2d-day for 2A) was determined he wouldn't call the shots. For instance, he was in Iraq. She had his car. He wanted to go NC with her after he got home and got his car back. Probably worried she'd go all "before he cheats" on it or something. I told him, go ahead, do it your way. Don't come home until you don't have a GF. If you break it off in person and won't let me be there, I will consider that disrespectful to me and respectful to her. I can't promise I will want to R after that.

So he sends a NC from his work email. Not his regular, not his first secret, not his second secret email. Work. The one I can't have access to due to clearance levels. The only reason I knew he sent it was because she replied...but to all of his emails except his work email. Full on woman scorned.

And that's how "R" has been for us. Everything was put on hold until he finished a class...or went overseas...or dealt with this work thing....or went overseas again. We talked about the A, but on his terms.

So I'm in limbo. Got just enough to keep me here but not enough to feel that the M is healed. R hasn't worked. We exist. We get along. My heart for him does slowly and I've stopped sharing most of my thoughts and feelings.

lostworld posted 2/12/2014 20:31 PM

Coming up on 6 years of R, and yep, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I'd change how I handled many things during the first couple of years of R, but not the end result. The memory of the A and all of the pain still hurt if I dwell there, but the M is actually better in some ways now, although not in every way. I've got to add that at 7 months into this mess, I was FUBAR in the extreme. I was literally an inconsolable mess, and my H was not half the man he had always been prior to his A, or that he is again.