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Stepped in it this time

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JLyn1128 posted 2/12/2014 13:19 PM

Lost it completely today. After almost two months after DD and working through IC and WSO appearing to do all the things I requested and seeming to work on everything... I came home yesterday after being gone all day to find he had checked the still open g-mail account they used to communicate. I should have had him close it after his No Contact email, but didn't. Now I'm sorry. I did close it myself last night. I asked him why he would check it 3 times in a day, when there has been no activity on it in weeks. Was he reading the old emails and looking at pictures still there? I thought it was a reasonable question, but he got angry, refused to answer and stopped talking to me altogether. This morning I looked and found he had tried to restore the account, and was researching recourse when someone hacks your email account. What a POS!!! I lost it, called him and screamed at him on the phone and then took a hammer to the computer. I paid for it in the first place. I moved my things to the other bedroom and I have no idea where we go from here. What appeared to be a successful R may be derailed and over. I'm livid because for 2 months I've been trying to make things right between us, based on his excuses of why he cheated and I wasn't even out of the driveway before he was thinking about her and looking at her emails. He hasn't been trying at all. Just patronizing my attempts.

ziganska posted 2/12/2014 13:23 PM

I'm so sorry to hear all this. It's devastating but now think of taking care of yourself. Can you go stay with someone right now and get some rest?

JLyn1128 posted 2/12/2014 13:27 PM

I need to stay here because I have horses and animals to care for. If we decide to split, it will take me a while to find a place I can go. It would be better for him to go somewhere. Don't know how this will play out when he gets home and sees his computer. He's not violent, and I'm not scared, I'm just emotionally raw.

IamDyingInside posted 2/12/2014 13:27 PM

((Jlyn)) I am so sorry. I don't have any advive but want you to know someone with great wisdom will post soon. I am sorry so sorry! I am stuck right now myself and don't feel I have any great input for you. Hang in there, help is on the way!!

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/12/2014 13:28 PM

I am sorry he did this. It sounds like he was going to break NC!

You say you believed his excuses for the A? But did he work out they why behind the excuses?

If he doesn't do the work to stop the wayward behaviour he won't stop!

marionwendy posted 2/12/2014 13:29 PM

Wow wish I could of done that to my husbands iphone! Im sorry you are here and wish that I could give you some sound advice on what to do.... I guess only you will truly know in your heart what is right for you. God dam men!

norabird posted 2/12/2014 13:39 PM

My heart goes out to you! Kick him out if you need to stay there. The second betrayal, after the lies about R, is brutal. And the anger shows there is no remorse, only fog.

((((hugs))))

You will get through this. I'm sorry he's done this to you, but time to get in the driver's seat!!

Smokehouse posted 2/12/2014 13:45 PM

You stepped in nothing, WSO did. He is still in the affair, maybe not physically, or actually communicating with her, but still has that connection to A. His need to check the account screams he's looking to see if she has tried to contact him. Looking up for recourse on a family computer is delusional and he is still very deep in the affair fog! Who in their right mind would think of recourse against his own SO? Not excusing his behavior, he is totally responsible.

I don't have a lot of time with this either, but, I can recognize false R when I see it. You did not derail R, it was not squarely on the tracks yet. Not trying to be mean, just trying to inform. Reading your post it appears you are working harder than him. Not that you don't need to do the work as well but, if he was 100% remorseful! he would have deleted the account without any prompting from you. He needs to do what ever it takes for you to feel safe in order to START R.

180 is for the BS that doesn't have a completely remorseful spouse. It is for you and you alone. Don't let him bully you. I made that mistake for two months with my WW. I had another DDay because of it. It allows you to step back and gain perspective about the entire situation. Allows you to detach and heal on your own if need be.

No decisions need to be made right away. Gain the perspective and watch your WSO's actions. Read up on the 180. If you fail, keep trying.

JLyn1128 posted 2/12/2014 14:24 PM

Thanks to all. Looking at the 180, I will definitely be printing that out and keeping it handy. Even my counselor thought things were going too smoothly. Guess that was the other shoe dropping I heard.

StillLivin posted 2/12/2014 14:32 PM

I'm livid because for 2 months I've been trying to make things right between us, based on his excuses of why he cheated and I wasn't even out of the driveway before he was thinking about her and looking at her emails

Honey, you did NOT do anything wrong or anything that CAUSED him to cheat. That is the first and most important point you need to "get".
Looking at the 180, I will definitely be printing that out and keeping it handy.

Better! Much better. Breathe first. Then get your thoughts together and start working only on you.
I suggest you read every single thing in the healing library. Then start working your way through the threads for all the newbies. Someone started a thread today on what they would have done different after they JFO. You may want to peruse that one as well.
You are not the problem. Not saying you can't always improve for your own benefit, but NOTHING you did caused an A to occur!
(((JLyn1128)))

Tickingtock posted 2/12/2014 19:28 PM

You didn't step in it, you married it.

What's your next step?

brkn_heartd posted 2/12/2014 20:56 PM

He caused this...not you. He stepped in it and drug you into it too....and it stinks! He was up to no good and you know it!

Stay true to the 180. It will help you heal and get you through the next steps.

JLyn1128 posted 2/13/2014 13:10 PM

Did not go well last night. After seeing the smashed laptop he was done talking. Said he doesn't know how to fix this or if it is fixable. Me either. But, since I'm here for a while, I'm working the 180. I need to find a new set point for happy... for me. He is noticing that I'm pulled back. I'm responding to his conversations but not starting any. Just doing my thing and what I need to find happy. No idea where it's going from here, but not going to obsess about it. He may have given me a 'take it or leave it attitude', but we'll see how he feels when he thinks 'leave it' is a viable answer.

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