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Newest Member: thisfnsucks (46016)

User Topic: Stepped in it this time
JLyn1128
♀ 41915
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost it completely today. After almost two months after DD and working through IC and WSO appearing to do all the things I requested and seeming to work on everything... I came home yesterday after being gone all day to find he had checked the still open g-mail account they used to communicate. I should have had him close it after his No Contact email, but didn't. Now I'm sorry. I did close it myself last night. I asked him why he would check it 3 times in a day, when there has been no activity on it in weeks. Was he reading the old emails and looking at pictures still there? I thought it was a reasonable question, but he got angry, refused to answer and stopped talking to me altogether. This morning I looked and found he had tried to restore the account, and was researching recourse when someone hacks your email account. What a POS!!! I lost it, called him and screamed at him on the phone and then took a hammer to the computer. I paid for it in the first place. I moved my things to the other bedroom and I have no idea where we go from here. What appeared to be a successful R may be derailed and over. I'm livid because for 2 months I've been trying to make things right between us, based on his excuses of why he cheated and I wasn't even out of the driveway before he was thinking about her and looking at her emails. He hasn't been trying at all. Just patronizing my attempts.


Me BSO 62
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
ziganska
♀ 41690
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry to hear all this. It's devastating but now think of taking care of yourself. Can you go stay with someone right now and get some rest?


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
JLyn1128
♀ 41915
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to stay here because I have horses and animals to care for. If we decide to split, it will take me a while to find a place I can go. It would be better for him to go somewhere. Don't know how this will play out when he gets home and sees his computer. He's not violent, and I'm not scared, I'm just emotionally raw.


Me BSO 62
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
IamDyingInside
♀ 41054
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Jlyn)) I am so sorry. I don't have any advive but want you to know someone with great wisdom will post soon. I am sorry so sorry! I am stuck right now myself and don't feel I have any great input for you. Hang in there, help is on the way!!


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
MrsDoubtfire
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry he did this. It sounds like he was going to break NC!

You say you believed his excuses for the A? But did he work out they why behind the excuses?

If he doesn't do the work to stop the wayward behaviour he won't stop!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1593 | Registered: Jul 2009
marionwendy
♀ 41303
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow wish I could of done that to my husbands iphone! Im sorry you are here and wish that I could give you some sound advice on what to do.... I guess only you will truly know in your heart what is right for you. God dam men!


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to you! Kick him out if you need to stay there. The second betrayal, after the lies about R, is brutal. And the anger shows there is no remorse, only fog.

((((hugs))))

You will get through this. I'm sorry he's done this to you, but time to get in the driver's seat!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Smokehouse
♂ 40203
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You stepped in nothing, WSO did. He is still in the affair, maybe not physically, or actually communicating with her, but still has that connection to A. His need to check the account screams he's looking to see if she has tried to contact him. Looking up for recourse on a family computer is delusional and he is still very deep in the affair fog! Who in their right mind would think of recourse against his own SO? Not excusing his behavior, he is totally responsible.

I don't have a lot of time with this either, but, I can recognize false R when I see it. You did not derail R, it was not squarely on the tracks yet. Not trying to be mean, just trying to inform. Reading your post it appears you are working harder than him. Not that you don't need to do the work as well but, if he was 100% remorseful! he would have deleted the account without any prompting from you. He needs to do what ever it takes for you to feel safe in order to START R.

180 is for the BS that doesn't have a completely remorseful spouse. It is for you and you alone. Don't let him bully you. I made that mistake for two months with my WW. I had another DDay because of it. It allows you to step back and gain perspective about the entire situation. Allows you to detach and heal on your own if need be.

No decisions need to be made right away. Gain the perspective and watch your WSO's actions. Read up on the 180. If you fail, keep trying.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
JLyn1128
♀ 41915
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all. Looking at the 180, I will definitely be printing that out and keeping it handy. Even my counselor thought things were going too smoothly. Guess that was the other shoe dropping I heard.


Me BSO 62
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm livid because for 2 months I've been trying to make things right between us, based on his excuses of why he cheated and I wasn't even out of the driveway before he was thinking about her and looking at her emails

Honey, you did NOT do anything wrong or anything that CAUSED him to cheat. That is the first and most important point you need to "get".
Looking at the 180, I will definitely be printing that out and keeping it handy.

Better! Much better. Breathe first. Then get your thoughts together and start working only on you.
I suggest you read every single thing in the healing library. Then start working your way through the threads for all the newbies. Someone started a thread today on what they would have done different after they JFO. You may want to peruse that one as well.
You are not the problem. Not saying you can't always improve for your own benefit, but NOTHING you did caused an A to occur!
(((JLyn1128)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Tickingtock
♀ 41411
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't step in it, you married it.

What's your next step?


1st "love" cheated and left. 2nd "love" cheated so I left. In a way I rugswept because there was no true understanding of infidelity.
Now happily married.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
brkn_heartd
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He caused this...not you. He stepped in it and drug you into it too....and it stinks! He was up to no good and you know it!

Stay true to the 180. It will help you heal and get you through the next steps.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
JLyn1128
♀ 41915
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did not go well last night. After seeing the smashed laptop he was done talking. Said he doesn't know how to fix this or if it is fixable. Me either. But, since I'm here for a while, I'm working the 180. I need to find a new set point for happy... for me. He is noticing that I'm pulled back. I'm responding to his conversations but not starting any. Just doing my thing and what I need to find happy. No idea where it's going from here, but not going to obsess about it. He may have given me a 'take it or leave it attitude', but we'll see how he feels when he thinks 'leave it' is a viable answer.


Me BSO 62
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 13

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