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The thought of it is just repulsive!!

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butterfly13 posted 2/12/2014 13:29 PM

I have read many a post here by BS about re-establishing a sexual relationship with their WS. I am having a hard time relating.

My WS was in a VERY perverse LTA and the thought of even going anywhere near him in a sexual way just disgusts me. It's as if someone just turned off the "attraction" button in my brain and I truly cannot imagine it would ever turn back on. In fact, my IC says it's normal and that what happened was so brutal that it may never turn back on. IC even asked me if I would mind him having sex with someone else now and the truth is, I don't give a damn.

Am I the only one out there that doesn't need or want any sexual relationship with their WS ever again?!

StillLivin posted 2/12/2014 13:35 PM

Nope, I feel the same way. I would have these crazy revenge fantasies in the beginning.
I imagined him wanting to come back. I was going to make him work for it, but not too hard. I wasn't really interested in R, just wanted to have him send that nasty whore packing. I wanted her to hurt so bad that he threw HER away for me this time. I wanted the B suicidal. I wanted him pining away for me. THEN after he kissed my a$$ enough, I would send him packing.
The only problem with the fantasy was that I was too repulsed by him after he touched IT.
So, I fast forwarded in my fantasies a bit. Six months out, I don't really fantasize about revenge much anymore. Most of the fantasies involve me winning the lottery so I don't need him to send spousal maintenance so I can have my independence, change my phone number and live a great life whilst never seeing or hearing his voice again!

Nature_Girl posted 2/12/2014 13:41 PM

I felt the same way. Once I knew what/what he truly was, there was NOTHING he could have done to reignite any passion in my whatsoever. Even now, there's nothing. In fact, when a memory of our sex life resurfaces I feel revulsion and absolute disgust. I remember reading about couples here engaging in HB and not being able to fathom what they were experiencing.

atsenaotie posted 2/12/2014 13:52 PM

That decision seems reasonable as you have posted that you are planning to D. I think when you see BS reconnecting with WS it is couples who are in or hope to be in R someday.

Rebreather posted 2/12/2014 13:55 PM

I think based on your description of his actions, that no, I wouldn't want that either. But my situation is very different. Plus, I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage where my spouse repulsed me and I didn't want to have sex with him.

StillLivin posted 2/12/2014 13:56 PM

I think when you see BS reconnecting with WS it is couples who are in or hope to be in R someday.

I have to disagree. I DID want R after DD, but I couldn't stomach when he touched me. I threw up once! She really was/is THAT disgusting. It wasn't just her looks. The fact that he touched THAT was what made me sick. My heart still wanted him, but my body convulsed when he would try to touch me.
I too cannot fathom what drives HB. Hmmmm, might be a thread to start on a later date.

Ostrich80 posted 2/12/2014 14:17 PM

It is repulsive now. I did do the whole HB thing but I was in serious denial with myself then. When I see what my ws and ow are into now...he just doesn't do a thing for me now. It's kind of sad because I used to really enjoy him, but.I will never touch him again...he's damaged goods to me now.

MissLydgate posted 2/12/2014 14:34 PM

I felt that way. It's one of the reasons I'm divorced.

In the first couple months after D-day, I felt extremely horny - fairly sure I'd have sex with anything that moved. Except WH. I think it's a reaction, some part of me trying to assert that I still exist, that I'm still a sexual being. I think that reaction is part of the cause of hysterical bonding in some couples, but for me, I couldn't get over my nausea at the thought of him.

Soooo much happier divorced!

butterfly13 posted 2/12/2014 15:21 PM

All:
Thank you for your input..at least I know I'm not crazy!!!I was starting to think all the BS's here were R or bust...

Miss Lyddgate, think your reaction about knowing you still exist is completely normal.

I suddenly have discovered a love of shopping, which I hated to do before. I know, seems odd that a woman is not a shophaholic, but suddently, I LOVE buying myself new clothes...helps that I've lost 15 pounds and I look great

But point is my IC says his SA has been a direct attack on my femininity and my sexual identity at a subconscious level and YES, I need to find ways to remind myself that I do exist as a woman.

More work on me to come, but don't mind, this is part of the journey toward a better me

lostinthesouth posted 2/12/2014 18:33 PM

@ostrich80

he just doesn't do a thing for me now. It's kind of sad because I used to really enjoy him, but.I will never touch him again...he's damaged goods to me now.
this is exactly how I feel. Did you d or trying to r? I feel like this is a major roadblock for me to be able to move forward because it either triggers the hell out of me or I get nauseous so I have just said he will never touch me again and I have no interest in ever touching him. Probably part of the reason I can't commit to staying or going. I just feel like I will never move past thinking this way. Is it still too soon-only 5 months from dday. I hate this crap!!

Lonelygirl10 posted 2/12/2014 19:53 PM

Everything that happened in my own situation has turned me off sex completely. Not just with him, but in general. I ended the relationship, and have absolutely zero desire to be with him or anyone else sexually. The thought of kissing or engaging in any type of sexual activity is repulsive to me. So, I think what you're feeling is normal.

After Dday, we tried to R for a year. We had sex because I felt like I was expected to, but there were times that I felt disgusted. I drank a lot to help turn off the mind movies. I kept thinking of what they did, and it just made me feel gross. It got worse with time, instead of better. I think it's one reason that led to my decision to end the relationship. I was tired of either trying to overcome the feelings or having to make excuses. I just wanted to be alone.

Hopefully this feeling doesn't stay forever.

IWantDoOver posted 2/12/2014 20:02 PM

butterfly13,

In earlier posts you mentioned that your WH had moved out and you were happily on dating sites.

Do you feel safe in this relationship? I find it difficult, if not impossible, to have enthusiastic sex if I don't feel safe with my partner.

Ostrich80 posted 2/13/2014 01:02 AM

Did you d or trying to r? I

We were in false R. I confirmed the A went undergrround. As soon as my DD graduates hs next year, I will d him.

Dreamland posted 2/13/2014 01:39 AM

Hahaaa I dream of winning the lottery too.. :)

HurtsButImOK posted 2/13/2014 02:45 AM

I couldn't and didn't do HB. Even with his gracious offer to 'get a piece while you still can'

He is my x now. I could not stay with someone who physically made me ill just at the thought of him touching me. My lip curls with distaste just writing about HB and him.

dindy posted 2/13/2014 03:48 AM

he just doesn't do a thing for me now. It's kind of sad because I used to really enjoy him, but.I will never touch him again...he's damaged goods to me now.

Exactly this too. Ex is damaged goods as far as I'm concerned. And in hindsight always had been. He completely repulses me on every level.

I agree to about the attack on my femininity. I know I am beautiful on the inside, and out. I don't need him to validate this for me.

butterfly13 posted 2/13/2014 09:27 AM

Iwantdoover.
I am not dating...I just signed up on 1 dating site because my therapist recommended as a way to boost my moral and regain my identity as a woman.

Of course, I'm doing a lot of other things to reverse the damage he did to my femininity and I don't respond to any of the messages I receive because I am certainly not ready to date.

But the number of messages I receive every day is enough for me to realize that I do exist as a woman and always have even if my sick WS ignored and neglected me in this way for a long time.

trumanshow posted 2/13/2014 09:34 AM

I am not dating...I just signed up on 1 dating site because my therapist recommended as a way to boost my moral and regain my identity as a woman.

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