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The biggest mistake you made when you just found out?

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RealityStinks posted 2/12/2014 13:44 PM

I don't recall seeing a thread where BS's biggest mistakes after just finding out are listed. If there is one, sorry for reinventing the wheel. I thought it might be helpful for people just beginning to deal with this crap.

What I'm asking is that if you had D-day to do over again, what is the biggest make you made that you wouldn't do the second time around?

For me - I confronted to soon. I wish that I would have waited and gathered enough evidence to be 100% sure about her A before I confronted. It would have been MUCH MUCH easier to "catch" her if she didn't know that I was on to her. It would also have been MUCH harder for her to gaslight me.

I also wish I had not revealed my sources.

Live and learn. If this ever happens to me again later on in life, I'll be a rockstar at dealing with it because of all the kind words and good advice I've received here.

norabird posted 2/12/2014 13:50 PM

There are so many. I genuinely can't even say. Overall I was always willing to trust the lies he told me, to overlook his anger, to avoid enforcing or establishing consequences for boundaries broken. What it really comes down to though is that I kept loving him and didn't work hard enough to detach. Such a human mistake that I have trouble knowing how I could have acted differently.

But it's a great thread idea.

Tearsoflove posted 2/12/2014 13:51 PM

My biggest mistakes after the first affair:

1. Revealing my sources. Had I been able to keep my mouth shut, I would have known what was going on pretty quickly and not been gaslighted for another six months. Letting him know I'd seen an odd email just gave him a heads up to change his password and take it underground.

2. Begging and bargaining when I did find out. When I finally found my backbone, he pulled his head out of his ass. But it took me much longer than that to regain my self-respect.

3. Not establishing good boundaries and consequences for breaking them. I should have laid down the law about opposite sex friendships and friend of the marriage relationships and followed through.

4.My husband was a KISA and remained one after the first affair. His inability to hurt feelings and his need to make others feel good about themselves was a big factor in the second affair. Had we delved a little deeper into how the first affair happened and established some behaviors to avoid similar issues in the future, there might not have been a second affair.

2oldforthis posted 2/12/2014 13:52 PM

I wish that I had not done the whole HB thing. It was counter productive. I think he took that to mean he got a get out of jail card free. He then did not do the hardwork he needed to do to help me.

I know that many people feel that HB is a good thing but for me it sent a mixed message. Don't get me wrong I and he enjoyed it but in the long run it made things worse for me.

ziganska posted 2/12/2014 13:56 PM

I forced him to delete his secret email account after only glossing over it quickly. I should've taken the time to really read through them all, maybe even printed them. But I was in such a panicky state that I just looked up and down (and oddly, I remember I didn't even wear my glasses so everything was blurry) and then ordered the account to be deleted.

Smokehouse posted 2/12/2014 13:57 PM

Definitely confronted too soon. I tipped my hand and she covered her tracks. Ultimately came clean, I believe for the most part. Enough I got the picture!

Also, I let her bully me not to contact the OBS. I finally did two months in. I basically fucked the whole thing up start to finish for two months. Finally did the 180, got tougher than a two dollar steak. I did mean business!

If I can pass one thing on, trust what the veterans of this site have to say 100%!!!

TrustedHer posted 2/12/2014 14:00 PM

1. I thought too much about her, not enough about me. I was sensitive to her situation, and the stuff she was going through, and I delayed confrontation.

2. "Confrontation?" When I finally did it, it was exactly the opposite of the 180. I begged, pleaded, tried to sell her on the idea of our marriage.

For a do-over, I'd have avoided the confrontation altogether, and just filed for divorce. She never seemed to consider me; why did I tread so carefully around her?

karmahappens posted 2/12/2014 14:01 PM

The biggest mistake I made was to not understand that the man in front of me was no longer the person I married.

When dday happened I made the mistake of believing everything he told me. I didn't realize how grave the situation was and allowed his words to make me feel safe. I should have realized he was now a different person and the words from his mouth could no longer be trusted.

StillLivin posted 2/12/2014 14:02 PM

My biggest mistake was not kicking him out and making him STAY gone for at least a few weeks and filing for D IMMEDIATELY.
I kicked him out, but then in the next moment told him not to go. He left. I was so grateful he came back a few hours later.
Pffffft, now knowing what I know, if our M could have been saved, making him face his consequences just MIGHT have made him open his eyes and keep them opened.
I'm better off without him now as he wasn't always the best H. But if he had ever been willing to do the real work, we might have been able to build a new and better M. Then again, maybe even after being made to stay gone he still might not have been strong enough to do the real work on himself.
Now, I've seen too much ugliness from him to ever want to try R.
I'm proud that I wasn't completely pathetic, but sure would have felt better to have been a little stronger and had more conviction that I didn't do anything wrong in the very beginning after DD.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:03 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

atsenaotie posted 2/12/2014 14:05 PM

I took some ownership for her A, for being the problem in the M. Reflecting back I would have been better spending time working on me the first 4 months rather than working on the M.

rachelc posted 2/12/2014 14:05 PM

I only regret what I did on the 2nd Dday - I should have kicked him out, filed and then HE could figure out how to win me back.

tushnurse posted 2/12/2014 14:06 PM

Was too willing to believe what he told me.

Did too much of the begging/pleading, neediness thing. Wish I could have just said I am done from the start. That was when he woke up.

Keylogger immediately.

VAR immediately.

Ostrich80 posted 2/12/2014 14:06 PM

My biggest regret is telling ws what I had and how I got it. I sooo wish.I had waited. I could have caught him in the act so he couldnt still to this day, deny it was anything more than texting. I also wish.I had been more aggressive in my conditions for R. I should have demanded the truth immediately or told him to get out. For some stupid reason, I wanted to win at any cost, I wanted him to choose me so I let him steer the bus. What did I win...a cheating POS..yay me. I wish I hadn't been so naive when he blew smoke up my a$$.

BAMAC posted 2/12/2014 14:15 PM

Trusting her too soon.

She agreed to everything I asked her to do, only for me to find out repeatedly that she was still in contact with him.

ajsmom posted 2/12/2014 14:32 PM

Keeping the bakery open for far too long.


LivingALie posted 2/12/2014 14:34 PM

Biggest mistake - geez, I made so many I don't which one was worse.

In the beginning I thought it was flirting, emailing and hadn't gone further than that - I had access to his email and after I saw a few emails I immediately confronted. Later - much too late - I realized that I could have gotten into his deleted items and ohhh..what I "could" have found...still makes me mad!

But by and far the biggest mistake was not making him to do the work - I gave him too many brakes, too many times I gave him the benefit of the doubt. When I FINALLY had enough and had detached and was ok with the idea of our marriage being over - that was when he started the real work.

I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

[This message edited by LivingALie at 2:35 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 2/12/2014 14:51 PM

1. Be kind to him
2. Be overly fair in division of household items so he wasn't inconvenienced
3. Assume he was a decent person with integrity
4. Accept any blame for his actions

If I knew then what I know now his ass would have been out the door so fast his head would still be spinning. Instead I tried for kindness and compassion because I wanted to believe his mask and not cause any more pain to him. WTF

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 2:52 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

selkiescot posted 2/12/2014 14:51 PM

I should have ended it back in 2002. I didn't and regret it badly. Now I am stuck. Stuck in house that isn't selling, stuck in realtionship that's dead. Stuck with a cheating loser who think his skanky girlfriend from MI cares about him. Feeling really down today. DOWN.

foolishlycluless posted 2/12/2014 15:06 PM

I should have "gone" to the West Coast and confronted him in person. He was travelling, and I did it over the telephone. He still insists that OW wasn't planning to join him. (I had chats that said otherwise. He still says that was the "fantasy.") The logistics were difficult to work out at the last minute.

Lots of mistakes since then, and I'm still making them!

NikkiD posted 2/12/2014 15:20 PM

1. Begged and pleaded and took partial ownership in the A
2. Didnt stick to the 180
3. Being overly nice, answering every time he called, messaging him back ASAP
4. Believing what he said and not paying attention to his actions
5. Talked too much
6. No list of must haves to even consider recovery
7. Didnt get counseling

What I got right this time...(yeah, I know...THIS TIME)
1. Didnt beg, was very calm and actually got a lot more of the truth from him
2. Sticking to the 180
3. Only handling things that affect ME
4. I dont trust him as far as I can throw him
5. He has to come to me about recovery within the next 5 mos or I'm filing the already completed paperwork for the D
6. Its all or nothing on the must haves
7. Taking care of me...fyck him...for now.

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