Who here needed evidence, and who didn't care about the "evidence"?
I'm one that needed evidence (and still do) because I know my husband will lie to his dying breath. I needed evidence so he couldn't lie. Stupid me though, because he still did, and does.
I think that could by most people want/need evidence because they know their WS will lie and they don't want to have to deal that. Just my opinion.
[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:40 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]
As far as having proof. I needed it, to know I wasn't crazy and to get him to come clean. Without it, well it was just suspect, and he was never going to come clean with me. He had rationalized things to the point that he would have taken it to the grave. He had made his decision to stay, and was attempting to wind down the A on his own, although she kept sucking him back in.
I can tell you my proof was the phone bill. As soon as I got it, and saw the number of texts, and calls to one particular number I knew.
As far as other proof. He kept breaking NC, and I had to have the proof to get to the point that I was strong enough to be done. I didn't need to see all the texts, or hear the conversations, or see all the emails. Had I, I probably would have been done, and R wouldn't have happened. The few I did see with the keylogger, prior to that final confrontation still haunt me at times. Having thousands of those to see.....yah it would have ended differently.
I don't think you're jaded. I think you learned from experience and you're wise to them. You won't let anyone push you around. That's a good thing.
The gut does know though, doesn't it. Absolutely unerring.
Yes, I needed evidence to make the truth sink in
She doesn't know (yet) that I have these things, yet she continues to deny with a straight face any indiscretion whatsoever.
I HAD to have evidence for this one.
I tried desperately to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to believe she wouldn't cheat on me. But, if someone on here asked if their spouse was cheating and listed half of what I know, I would say "yes".
I'm weak. I was weaker then. He denied, I knew in my gut it was a lie. I still felt like I needed proof. I kept trying to log onto his "secret" email. I knew about it because he had used it for a class he took. But the class was long over yet he had started using it again.
So between me knowing he was likely in an A on Sept 25 and d-day Dec 3 the A went from just kissing to a PA. Supposedly she got pregnant and had an abortion. And he promised she could use his car when he left for Iraq.
Stupid me for needing proof. Now I know I have the right to transparency and to be treated as a valued person....the most valued person...in his life.
Everything I had to go on was vague. He was suddenly working later (so busy with new accounts!), he was at the gym but didn't need to shower (I showered there!), actually the gym check in app doesn't show you as being there (I forgot my keycard again and they checked me with my phone #) not reachable by phone (it fell between the seats while I was on the freeway and I couldn't answer it)....
Blah blah blah.
He was able to explain away everything. I hadn't found SI yet and had no idea I was simply being gaslighted. At the time, I just loved him and wanted desperately to believe him.
Finally I got to the point where I accepted that he was lying to me about where he was and what he was doing. But I still could not wrap my head and heart around the possibility that he was having an affair. A gambling problem? A drug problem? Some other sort of weird secret?? It MUST be. Anything but an affair.
And so I stayed and put up with it, because I didn't feel able to file for divorce based on a gut feeling, no matter how strong that feeling might be. I was afraid I'd live the rest of my life questioning that decision.
Finally while he was out of town, I found a Valentine from OW to him. Mushy, sappy, BARF. Undeniable proof that not only were they in a PA, they were deeply into an EA and had been for some time. I confronted, he didn't even bother to deny. Zero remorse and eight days later he was gone forver.
I wish I hadn't "needed" the proof, because seeing it was one of the most painful things I ever done, but I'm glad I found it. It enabled me to force his hand. Even though it led to D, I firmly believe that would have been our eventual outcome anyway. And who knows how long he would have used me and mistreated me? I'm just glad its over.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
I was just talking about folks in my situation where there was NO other explanation for 100s of calls and text messages a day going back 2 years. To confront him, I didn't need anymore evidence than that.
I think that is evidence. It may not be details, but it's definitely something that you can hold in your hands.
Mine confessed, but only the bare minimum. I'm the type of person that has to know everything. I'm an attorney, and my personality is to keep digging until I have all the answers. His story wasn't matching up, and I couldn't sleep at night from all the questions running through my head. So I sought evidence so that I could force him to tell me the truth and answer my questions. I guess I did it because I needed peace. I also did it because he made me feel like I was crazy. He kept telling me that I knew everything, and that he was going to counseling, and etc. He emailed me long emails about his IC sessions and what he was learning. I felt crazy that I still had all these questions in my head. Turns out he made up the IC completely. His lies were so extensive about everything, and the only way I could get the truth was to find the evidence that I could show him.
WH is still saying no PA, only EA/fantasy affair. So unless I can find a "smoking gun" (IE, pictures of them together), he will continue to deny that they had a PA.
Even though chats talk about them meeting and, afterwards, fond reminisces of their physical relationship, he still calls "fantasy." I don't buy it. My gut says NO.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:19 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:50 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]