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Who needed evidence first?

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StillLivin posted 2/12/2014 14:24 PM

I was reading other posts and didn't want to threadjack.
When I found out about the A, I knew. There was no damned good reason on God's beautiful green earth for him to be calling a woman that many times and at those hours of the night.
I didn't have a name, I didn't know anything but what the phone bill said. I just didn't care. Right is right and wrong is wrong.
He did try for just a millisecond to deny. I've NEVER let anybody gaslight me about crap. I firmly told him he was lying. Period, end of story. Later, for my own piece of mind, I got the evidence.
He caved when he saw that look I get in my eye.
Yet, here on SI, I see so many that ask what is the best way to get evidence?
Am I the backwards one, or are their others that didn't care about proof, they just knew?
Who here needed evidence, and who didn't care about the "evidence"?

simplydevastated posted 2/12/2014 14:35 PM

Who here needed evidence, and who didn't care about the "evidence"?

I'm one that needed evidence (and still do) because I know my husband will lie to his dying breath. I needed evidence so he couldn't lie. Stupid me though, because he still did, and does.

I think that could by most people want/need evidence because they know their WS will lie and they don't want to have to deal that. Just my opinion.

StillLivin posted 2/12/2014 14:38 PM

Maybe I'm jaded then. I've dealt with so many liars that I just don't care so long as I KNOW I'm the one that is right!
I grew up with a habitual liar (stepdad). He lied so much that you knew he was only telling the truth when his mouth was closed.
My H has tried to lie to me about stupid stuff in the past, didn't buy it then, wasn't about to start buying it on DD#1 or DD#2 when I confronted about the phone.
ETA: Ok, so now that he is going to lie anyway, why do you still feel you need the evidence? Is it because he has you conned that YOU are the one that is crazy or something like that?
You know so what makes you stop to gather the evidence? Just curious, not judging or anything like that.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:40 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 2/12/2014 14:42 PM

Oh I knew, I knew he was up to no good from about day 2 of his A. However, I attempted to call him out on it, and got denial, reasoning, minimizing, and gaslighted, not that I believed it, but that was what he was saying. I also got a lot of bluster, and bullshit that I didn't ask for when I wasn't asking, confronting, and trying to get him to come clean, which in turn made me avoid talking with him. I was so sure he was having an A I saw a D attorney prior to having proof and Dday.

As far as having proof. I needed it, to know I wasn't crazy and to get him to come clean. Without it, well it was just suspect, and he was never going to come clean with me. He had rationalized things to the point that he would have taken it to the grave. He had made his decision to stay, and was attempting to wind down the A on his own, although she kept sucking him back in.

I can tell you my proof was the phone bill. As soon as I got it, and saw the number of texts, and calls to one particular number I knew.

As far as other proof. He kept breaking NC, and I had to have the proof to get to the point that I was strong enough to be done. I didn't need to see all the texts, or hear the conversations, or see all the emails. Had I, I probably would have been done, and R wouldn't have happened. The few I did see with the keylogger, prior to that final confrontation still haunt me at times. Having thousands of those to see.....yah it would have ended differently.

simplydevastated posted 2/12/2014 14:43 PM

See, with me I believed every damn lie he told me. He was a good liar, too. He would lie to the Pope without flinching. After I found out I think I went into panic mode because I printed everything I could before I confronted because I had a feeling that he would delete everything if I didn't have hard evidence. Of course I didn't show him any of it and I only confronted with part of it. I wanted him to fill in the rest. Again, stupid me, because he didn't. The only thing he confessed to was his eharmony account.

I don't think you're jaded. I think you learned from experience and you're wise to them. You won't let anyone push you around. That's a good thing.

norabird posted 2/12/2014 15:17 PM

I believed the excuses about where he had been when it happened, but when a separate conversation came up and his answers for weird (for the life of me I do not remember what he said--I was telling him to bring up issues with me instead of exploding over unrelated things after suppressing them) I KNEW he was cheating, and asked. After a few 'you don't want to do this' answers he immediately confessed everything, not just the most recent but going back to the start. So, I never had to deal with this question. But if he had kept lying...then I think I would have needed proof. It would have been too hard to really accept without that, especially under gaslighting.

The gut does know though, doesn't it. Absolutely unerring.

Brandon808 posted 2/12/2014 15:19 PM

Who here needed evidence, and who didn't care about the "evidence"?
Yes, I needed evidence to make the truth sink in. Then I realized there was a lot more to the story. I gathered more evidence for my lawyer but by that point I realized I didn't know everything but I knew enough to decide.

StillLivin posted 2/12/2014 16:11 PM

Yes, I needed evidence to make the truth sink in

Ahhhh, now THAT makes a lot of sense. So the shock could affect others differently than me. I went into attack mode of flight or fight when I went into shock. But now I can see how gathering the evidence would make your rational mind come back after a shock.

justjim posted 2/12/2014 17:15 PM

I have love letters from WW to OM going back to 2011. I have pictures of them together in his home.

She doesn't know (yet) that I have these things, yet she continues to deny with a straight face any indiscretion whatsoever.

I HAD to have evidence for this one.

StillLivin posted 2/12/2014 17:21 PM

justjim, I've followed your story. YOU needing evidence after her so callously walking out on Thanksgiving Day with no answers is what anyone would need.
I was just talking about folks in my situation where there was NO other explanation for 100s of calls and text messages a day going back 2 years. To confront him, I didn't need anymore evidence than that. But I have seen others that had the same or similar evidence, but they wanted more. I was wondering who needed more when they already KNEW, and why did they need more.
You had no clue. You were completely blindsided. I think anyone would need to know why the hell their world just blew up out of nowhere.
Good luck Monday!

RealityStinks posted 2/12/2014 17:30 PM

When I found the phone records, I knew. But, she lied and tried to cover it up. When I found the GPS records, I was 99% sure. When I caught them together, I called my lawyer. It took seeing them together for me to finally say "enough".

I tried desperately to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to believe she wouldn't cheat on me. But, if someone on here asked if their spouse was cheating and listed half of what I know, I would say "yes".

Holly-Isis posted 2/12/2014 18:15 PM

Sept 25 MrH and I were emailing back and forth. He was rewriting M history. I triggered to 1A when he did the same thing (didn't know the term then). I asked if there was someone else.

I'm weak. I was weaker then. He denied, I knew in my gut it was a lie. I still felt like I needed proof. I kept trying to log onto his "secret" email. I knew about it because he had used it for a class he took. But the class was long over yet he had started using it again.

So between me knowing he was likely in an A on Sept 25 and d-day Dec 3 the A went from just kissing to a PA. Supposedly she got pregnant and had an abortion. And he promised she could use his car when he left for Iraq.

Stupid me for needing proof. Now I know I have the right to transparency and to be treated as a valued person....the most valued his life.

jpumpkin posted 2/12/2014 19:41 PM

I'm in the camp of needing hard evidence for the truth to sink in. There was a time when I would have believed him over anyone and almost anything else.

gypsybird87 posted 2/12/2014 19:57 PM

I needed evidence. I was really in denial, and I didn't have anything even as concrete as your phone bill. To me, that right there is evidence.

Everything I had to go on was vague. He was suddenly working later (so busy with new accounts!), he was at the gym but didn't need to shower (I showered there!), actually the gym check in app doesn't show you as being there (I forgot my keycard again and they checked me with my phone #) not reachable by phone (it fell between the seats while I was on the freeway and I couldn't answer it)....

Blah blah blah.

He was able to explain away everything. I hadn't found SI yet and had no idea I was simply being gaslighted. At the time, I just loved him and wanted desperately to believe him.

Finally I got to the point where I accepted that he was lying to me about where he was and what he was doing. But I still could not wrap my head and heart around the possibility that he was having an affair. A gambling problem? A drug problem? Some other sort of weird secret?? It MUST be. Anything but an affair.

And so I stayed and put up with it, because I didn't feel able to file for divorce based on a gut feeling, no matter how strong that feeling might be. I was afraid I'd live the rest of my life questioning that decision.

Finally while he was out of town, I found a Valentine from OW to him. Mushy, sappy, BARF. Undeniable proof that not only were they in a PA, they were deeply into an EA and had been for some time. I confronted, he didn't even bother to deny. Zero remorse and eight days later he was gone forver.

I wish I hadn't "needed" the proof, because seeing it was one of the most painful things I ever done, but I'm glad I found it. It enabled me to force his hand. Even though it led to D, I firmly believe that would have been our eventual outcome anyway. And who knows how long he would have used me and mistreated me? I'm just glad its over.

Kitty70 posted 2/12/2014 19:58 PM

I needed evidence for many of the same reasons above. He was terrific at hiding at what was really going on though I always had gut feelings (always working, always on his phone, etc.). He lied about the things I found and would gaslight me, minimize them, lie, or refuse to answer me. I am not good at confrontation and frankly did not want to believe it myself. I needed to get the hard evidence to know I was not crazy, and to get me mad enough to say I was done. It was the push I needed.

Lonelygirl10 posted 2/12/2014 20:06 PM

I was just talking about folks in my situation where there was NO other explanation for 100s of calls and text messages a day going back 2 years. To confront him, I didn't need anymore evidence than that.

I think that is evidence. It may not be details, but it's definitely something that you can hold in your hands.

Mine confessed, but only the bare minimum. I'm the type of person that has to know everything. I'm an attorney, and my personality is to keep digging until I have all the answers. His story wasn't matching up, and I couldn't sleep at night from all the questions running through my head. So I sought evidence so that I could force him to tell me the truth and answer my questions. I guess I did it because I needed peace. I also did it because he made me feel like I was crazy. He kept telling me that I knew everything, and that he was going to counseling, and etc. He emailed me long emails about his IC sessions and what he was learning. I felt crazy that I still had all these questions in my head. Turns out he made up the IC completely. His lies were so extensive about everything, and the only way I could get the truth was to find the evidence that I could show him.

foolishlycluless posted 2/12/2014 21:09 PM

I wouldn't say that I need evidence, but I need "truth."

WH is still saying no PA, only EA/fantasy affair. So unless I can find a "smoking gun" (IE, pictures of them together), he will continue to deny that they had a PA.

Even though chats talk about them meeting and, afterwards, fond reminisces of their physical relationship, he still calls "fantasy." I don't buy it. My gut says NO.

mchercheur posted 2/12/2014 21:18 PM

Things felt different between us ---that feeling made me check his phone records. When I saw the phone records, I KNEW. I was correct---he admitted PA.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:19 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

phoenixrise posted 2/12/2014 21:31 PM

I knew something was going on after I got a phone call tipping me off I just didn't want to believe because my husband just couldnt do that to me. I wanted solid evidence and not hearsay...the phone records...thats when I went bat shit crazy...I guess I would want more evidence because I wanted to match his truth to actual truth to get an idea as to what depth his betrayal and denials went...also to use in court lastly for myself to prove it was real...sometimes I still think Im in a nightmare...also one last reason...I wanted evidence to make myself more pissed in order to leave his ass...but that obviously didn't work out for me

Ostrich80 posted 2/13/2014 00:47 AM

I knew deep down inside but I lied to myself so I had to have evidence. I did confront him a few times based solely on his behavior but he's a really good liar. I actually was relieved when I confirmed, I felt like I had a huge weight lifted because I was starting to believe him when he told me I was crazy.
I had all of the gut feelings but he left not a shred of evidence. You start doubting yourself because there's nothing to show for what you feel.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:50 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

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