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Just told my mother... Ugh!!

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kellys2014 posted 2/12/2014 18:36 PM

I'm about a week and a half out from DDay. I've processed it pretty quickly, thanks to the information and support on this site. I am past the shock and physical pain. Now I'm focusing on detaching and deciding if I want to try to R with my seemingly very remorseful WH. He did the NC thing, has therapy scheduled, etc. He's living elsewhere while I sort out my feelings, but spends the weekends at home, as I'm not ready to tell the kids. We are just telling them that he's working a lot and he leaves after they go to bed.

I've been waiting for the right time to tell my mother. It came out on the phone yesterday afternoon. As I expected, she is devastated, sick with worry, can't eat/sleep, is furious, etc. as is her husband, my stepfather, a very religious and wonderful guy whose first wife cheated on him repeatedly with his best friend. (Why do WS do that? At least have the decency to screw a stranger!!)

Anyhoo, telling her is one of the hardest parts of all this. Now I have her to worry about. She says she will support whatever decision I make and is urging me to take a lot of time before deciding. It's weird though, because I realize that she needs to "catch up" to where I am, where I can now imagine forgiving him and trying to R.

I don't know if we R how he will ever face my family again. I had already told my Dad everything, plus now my mother and stepfather, and a couple of cousins I am close with. Soon my whole family will know, and because they all knew or knew of our former babysitter, they know that part of it. My mother and stepfather guessed right away who it was (I hadn't planned on telling them). My WS ran into my cousin's husband at our children's school today... awkward!

Things will never be the same or even close. I just don't know if it is worth it to try to R. I feel like I would be happier and healthier as an amicably divorced co-parenting couple.

For those couples who have R, were you ever able to hang out with extended families again? I can't imagine him going with us on our Disneyworld trip this fall, for example. Or do other people forgive and accept, just like BSs sometimes do?

Allornothing posted 2/12/2014 19:52 PM

Honey, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
I'm relatively new to this too, and there will be more experienced people to help you.
One thing I do know: Your family loves you, and they want you to be happy, no matter what you decide. I found my family to be a fantastic support system, listening when needed, and not offering many personal opinions.
Family events could have been awkward, but I asked them to take their cues from me, and back me in all of my choices.
Ultimately, what you decide is up to you. Your life, and your marriage, is just that: YOURS.

StillStanding1 posted 2/12/2014 20:57 PM

So sorry you are here with all of us!!!!

It is really hard to tell people. In my case, my oldest 2 kids discovered the A 6 months before I did, so telling our families was a "must" -- they needed to understand what was going on, so that they could have compassion especially for our teenagers.

However, I've been consistently amazed at how supportive everyone has been. I agree with everything allornothing wrote. I didn't ask family to do so, but they definitely take their cues from me. As long as he was working on getting his shit together, they were on my side.

We also had a big vacation scheduled with my family to celebrate my parents' 50th anniversary a little over a month after Dday. WH didn't "officially end it" with AP until the night before we were to leave!!!!! It was rough. And often awkward. But my whole family was super decent about it.

I truly hope yours will be the same.I would have loved to have been able to keep this quiet or at least, revealed it on my terms.

People will want what is best for you. They will look to you in how they should act. If you are happy, they will support you in any path you choose. (At least, I HOPE they will. They SHOULD if they love you!)

Best of luck to you. It's a rough ride.....

Jls0320 posted 2/12/2014 21:02 PM

My parents and 2 close girl friends know allllll the dirty details, sometimes I regret it, especially since I decided to reconcile and cancelled divorce proceedings. So far no one has said a thing to him, and have been very supportive of me and my decisions. My dad would love to punch him for hurting his daughter and grandsons, but has been very nice to him when around. I hope your family can put their feelings aside too and just be supportive of whatever you decide to do

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 08:47 AM

I had to tell my mother because my narcissistic mil called and left a message telling my parents that she did not do what I was accusing her of (giving husband ex-girfriend/AP my husband's unpublished office number, and then trying to get him to come over and meet up with the AP where mil was staying after he ended it with AP). My mother wants to know what she was referring to. So, caught off guard, I told her. My husband felt that he needed to address this with my parents because he did this to them as well as to me, so we weren't over there. THE HARDEST thing that we had to do. He sobbed, and both of my parents hugged him, and took turns telling him that if he is getting help that he could become more healthy, but he has a lot of hard work ahead of him. It was grueling to see their faces across the table from us.
Since then, we have had many occasions where were have all been together, and my parents are treating him as they always have since we are presenting ourselves as united. Hard for everyone, but becoming easier and easier each time we get together. It has only been 4 months since they found out so I am sure it will continue to be even easier. It does get better. Be hopeful regarding that area of this horrible process. That will get easier….

Skye posted 2/13/2014 08:53 AM

I don't know the answer to your question. My parents were eldery and not well and I couldn't add that burden to them. However, I would hope my daughter would tell me. I would want to support her in any way she needed. Isn't that what a mom is for? I would think the future relationship would depend on the relationship you had with your parents in the past.

Hannah25 posted 2/13/2014 10:19 AM

I actually told my WS's sister, as we are very close, and she is a BS herself. She was shocked that her brother could do such a thing. I don't think I'll tell any other friends or family. I don't really care about whether or not his family knows. I know my parents well enough to know that they would never forgive him, and would think less of me for wanting to R. Sad, but that's the way it is with them...

[This message edited by Hannah25 at 10:20 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

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