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MissMovingOn posted 2/12/2014 18:49 PM

So, I've had a couple of guys lay it on really thick once they found out that WH left (again). One I feel completely comfortable telling to go stuff it . The other is someone I haven't seen since I was like... 19 years old... and he keeps sending me totally over the top FB messages about how "hot" I am and how I should fly out to visit him (basically two provinces away). I am NOT interested and the gentle brush off isn't working. How do I tell him that without being too harsh? WH has only been gone a week and a half and I'm still pretty raw and emotional. I don't want to say anything too harsh because he is a half decent guy aside from the fact that he's hitting on me before the corpse of my marriage is even cold.

Mousse242 posted 2/12/2014 18:55 PM

Unfriend him.

Chippednotbroken posted 2/12/2014 19:50 PM

Ditto. Or post some really gross pictures and ask how to cure all over body fungus, then put on a positive note the explosive diarrhea seems to subsided. Or just tell him you are not in a good place right now and really aren't looking for any male attention right now.

Take2 posted 2/12/2014 19:54 PM

and he keeps sending me totally over the top FB messages about how "hot" I am and how I should fly out to visit him

So basically he is unromantic (your "hot", and cheap (you should go see him, not the other way round) and insensitive (the corpse isn't cold). What makes him half-decent...? I'd just ignore him or unfriend him. Nothing there but a bootie call.

WakingFromADream posted 2/12/2014 19:56 PM

Not only that but I think you should block him. If he's not willing to respect your boundaries, especially considering your current situation, he isn't a friend. A friend would be there for you, not showing their disrespect.

RealityStinks posted 2/12/2014 20:08 PM

How do I tell him that without being too harsh?

How about telling him the truth? Tell him you're not interested. He's a big boy. He can handle it. You can tell him nicely, but just be honest with him.

Not trying to be a smart ass here. It's just after all the lying and side stepping that I have been dealing with from my WW, I have a whole new appreciation for the blunt truth.

PhantomLimb posted 2/12/2014 20:56 PM

This is totally IMHO, but I don't think you should worry about being "harsh." That's the kind of thing I hear women say a lot... yet this guy isn't worried about being "harsh" or coming on too strong with you. He doesn't care about your boundaries. He's basically harassing you.

I agree with anyone here who says just stop talking to him. Crickets.

I had the same thing happen in the months after DDay. It almost made me want to throw up, honestly. A few guys who were nice about it, I just explained that I was healing from what had happened to me and I was in no place or position to consider a romantic relationship. One guy I even told I was still in love with my X (which, at the time, was true) and, until I resolved that, I knew I needed to stay out of anything with someone else.

Any guy who randomly tried to pick me up in those early months (at an airport or whatnot), I actually considered a predator in some respect. I'm not hideous and I was looking pretty good with the infidelity diet, but you could just tell something was off with me. I had been emotionally crushed and I was pretty much a wounded animal and I know I was projecting that in subtle ways. It was like they knew weak prey when they saw it. Maybe it wasn't fair of me, but I automatically assumed they were bad guys.

Since I've gotten my feet under me more, gained about 10-15lbs, I find that fewer men are chasing me. Even some of the ones who were laying it on thick in the early days have backed off. Maybe it's because I'm no longer a size 0. More likely I think I'm back to projecting a strength that suggests you can't mess with me.

justjim posted 2/13/2014 07:10 AM

My attitude is that there isn't a prayer in hell of me ending up with anyone who isn't anything but a genuine FRIEND first.

He's being selfish already, tending to his "needs" rather than being concerned with yours. Preying on you in a time of weakness.

You've just got shut of one opportunist.

Tell this guy straight up that he is reminding you just a little too much of the last idiot.

jjct posted 2/13/2014 07:31 AM

jim is correcto -
Your sitch has turned on his predator gene - he is in full score mode.
he's not even a 'noble' predator, like and eagle, falcon, or hawk.
He's more like a dirty buzzard eying (as you said) a carcass...

Tell him you're not interested in dating outside your species.

Dark Inertia posted 2/13/2014 07:59 AM

You just tell him, why the need for tact?

PhantomLimb posted 2/13/2014 08:15 AM

Jim and JJ also make me think that this is the perfect example of what we mean when we say "fix your picker." Your picker should be telling you that these are sleezy guys not worthy of you. Not that they are worth you being worried what they think of you.

notmeanymore posted 2/13/2014 13:47 PM

I think sometimes we are raised to be too polite.

It's not rude to say "I'm not interested, please leave me alone" It's honest and straightforward.

And I agree this guy is not nice, and not a friend.

Vulcanized posted 2/13/2014 14:40 PM

I don't want to say anything too harsh because he is a half decent guy aside from the fact that he's hitting on me before the corpse of my marriage is even cold.

Decent men don't prey on you when you are completely vulnerable.

This guy is looking for ass. You may be an easy target due to the corpse still being warm, if ya get me. I'd unfriend & block, no explanation needed.

A true friend is looking to support you, shield you and help you. Not get it wet in your time of grief.

SBB posted 2/13/2014 15:32 PM

Sharks always smell blood in the water.

Don't worry about hurting feelings. Worry about staying the fuck away from guys like this.

Softcentre posted 2/13/2014 16:04 PM

Decent men don't prey on you when you are completely vulnerable.

This.

The Arse's MO was to befriend a pretty young woman who had just been dumped or was going through relationship troubles and then use that to flirt and get close. Remember, you know you're broken right now, guys who'd come onto you at the moment are going to be broken too, no matter what public persona they like to portray.

Also, I don't know about you, but I feel like The Arse gradually eroded my boundaries as part of his gaslighting me during his A. Standing up for myself against a man...it's kinda scary. I kind of feel like I must be overeacting. But that's because I still have that voice in my head that The Arse put there, telling me not to be silly and not to stand up for my boundaries.

Nature_Girl posted 2/13/2014 16:17 PM

A decent man would not be coming on to you at this point in your life. From what you're describing you have been targeted as prey. The last thing you need is to be concerned about being nice. These predators need to be told to GTFAway from you and don't come back. I hate people like this!

BAB61 posted 2/13/2014 16:31 PM

be blunt, no need to be harsh - I'm not interested and if you keep asking I'll be blocking you, thanks

KLinNoCA posted 2/13/2014 19:25 PM

Unfortunately, there are people out there that prey on newly single women-- I had a married neighbor across the street from me who witnessed me throwing my ex out of the house, and not 48 hours later was at my front door offering his "services" to me because, you know, I was looking for that

Another friend of my ex's kept texting me after the news broke that we split up wanting to take me on a mini-vacation with him so he could show me what a great lover he was...

Neighbor creep was handled by my 6'5" adult son....ex's friend got crickets...

MissMovingOn posted 2/15/2014 11:50 AM

You are all so right. My boundaries are absolute shit after the last ten years with the asshat and I really need to work on that. Thank you all for the reminder!