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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Unwanted attention now that I'm "single"
MissMovingOn
♀ 30720
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I've had a couple of guys lay it on really thick once they found out that WH left (again). One I feel completely comfortable telling to go stuff it . The other is someone I haven't seen since I was like... 19 years old... and he keeps sending me totally over the top FB messages about how "hot" I am and how I should fly out to visit him (basically two provinces away). I am NOT interested and the gentle brush off isn't working. How do I tell him that without being too harsh? WH has only been gone a week and a half and I'm still pretty raw and emotional. I don't want to say anything too harsh because he is a half decent guy aside from the fact that he's hitting on me before the corpse of my marriage is even cold.


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
FINAL FINAL DDay - August 8, 2014. I AM DONE!

Posts: 418 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
Mousse242
♀ 6330
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfriend him.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Chippednotbroken
♀ 40170
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto. Or post some really gross pictures and ask how to cure all over body fungus, then put on a positive note the explosive diarrhea seems to subsided. Or just tell him you are not in a good place right now and really aren't looking for any male attention right now.


Me 33 (former BS)
Divorced November 17, 2014.
Who's that? The stronger me.
3 young kids

Posts: 335 | Registered: Aug 2013
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and he keeps sending me totally over the top FB messages about how "hot" I am and how I should fly out to visit him

So basically he is unromantic (your "hot", and cheap (you should go see him, not the other way round) and insensitive (the corpse isn't cold). What makes him half-decent...? I'd just ignore him or unfriend him. Nothing there but a bootie call.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4167 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
WakingFromADream
♂ 33934
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only that but I think you should block him. If he's not willing to respect your boundaries, especially considering your current situation, he isn't a friend. A friend would be there for you, not showing their disrespect.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I tell him that without being too harsh?

How about telling him the truth? Tell him you're not interested. He's a big boy. He can handle it. You can tell him nicely, but just be honest with him.

Not trying to be a smart ass here. It's just after all the lying and side stepping that I have been dealing with from my WW, I have a whole new appreciation for the blunt truth.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is totally IMHO, but I don't think you should worry about being "harsh." That's the kind of thing I hear women say a lot... yet this guy isn't worried about being "harsh" or coming on too strong with you. He doesn't care about your boundaries. He's basically harassing you.

I agree with anyone here who says just stop talking to him. Crickets.

I had the same thing happen in the months after DDay. It almost made me want to throw up, honestly. A few guys who were nice about it, I just explained that I was healing from what had happened to me and I was in no place or position to consider a romantic relationship. One guy I even told I was still in love with my X (which, at the time, was true) and, until I resolved that, I knew I needed to stay out of anything with someone else.

Any guy who randomly tried to pick me up in those early months (at an airport or whatnot), I actually considered a predator in some respect. I'm not hideous and I was looking pretty good with the infidelity diet, but you could just tell something was off with me. I had been emotionally crushed and I was pretty much a wounded animal and I know I was projecting that in subtle ways. It was like they knew weak prey when they saw it. Maybe it wasn't fair of me, but I automatically assumed they were bad guys.

Since I've gotten my feet under me more, gained about 10-15lbs, I find that fewer men are chasing me. Even some of the ones who were laying it on thick in the early days have backed off. Maybe it's because I'm no longer a size 0. More likely I think I'm back to projecting a strength that suggests you can't mess with me.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
justjim
♂ 41150
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My attitude is that there isn't a prayer in hell of me ending up with anyone who isn't anything but a genuine FRIEND first.

He's being selfish already, tending to his "needs" rather than being concerned with yours. Preying on you in a time of weakness.

You've just got shut of one opportunist.

Tell this guy straight up that he is reminding you just a little too much of the last idiot.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jim is correcto -
Your sitch has turned on his predator gene - he is in full score mode.
he's not even a 'noble' predator, like and eagle, falcon, or hawk.
He's more like a dirty buzzard eying (as you said) a carcass...

Tell him you're not interested in dating outside your species.


Posts: 6773 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Dark Inertia
30727
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just tell him, why the need for tact?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jim and JJ also make me think that this is the perfect example of what we mean when we say "fix your picker." Your picker should be telling you that these are sleezy guys not worthy of you. Not that they are worth you being worried what they think of you.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
notmeanymore
♀ 9772
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes we are raised to be too polite.

It's not rude to say "I'm not interested, please leave me alone" It's honest and straightforward.

And I agree this guy is not nice, and not a friend.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 877 | Registered: Feb 2006
Vulcanized
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to say anything too harsh because he is a half decent guy aside from the fact that he's hitting on me before the corpse of my marriage is even cold.

Decent men don't prey on you when you are completely vulnerable.

This guy is looking for ass. You may be an easy target due to the corpse still being warm, if ya get me. I'd unfriend & block, no explanation needed.

A true friend is looking to support you, shield you and help you. Not get it wet in your time of grief.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharks always smell blood in the water.

Don't worry about hurting feelings. Worry about staying the fuck away from guys like this.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decent men don't prey on you when you are completely vulnerable.

This.

The Arse's MO was to befriend a pretty young woman who had just been dumped or was going through relationship troubles and then use that to flirt and get close. Remember, you know you're broken right now, guys who'd come onto you at the moment are going to be broken too, no matter what public persona they like to portray.

Also, I don't know about you, but I feel like The Arse gradually eroded my boundaries as part of his gaslighting me during his A. Standing up for myself against a man...it's kinda scary. I kind of feel like I must be overeacting. But that's because I still have that voice in my head that The Arse put there, telling me not to be silly and not to stand up for my boundaries.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1107 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A decent man would not be coming on to you at this point in your life. From what you're describing you have been targeted as prey. The last thing you need is to be concerned about being nice. These predators need to be told to GTFAway from you and don't come back. I hate people like this!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10032 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
BAB61
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

be blunt, no need to be harsh - I'm not interested and if you keep asking I'll be blocking you, thanks


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
KLinNoCA
♀ 22195
Member # 22195
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, there are people out there that prey on newly single women-- I had a married neighbor across the street from me who witnessed me throwing my ex out of the house, and not 48 hours later was at my front door offering his "services" to me because, you know, I was looking for that

Another friend of my ex's kept texting me after the news broke that we split up wanting to take me on a mini-vacation with him so he could show me what a great lover he was...

Neighbor creep was handled by my 6'5" adult son....ex's friend got crickets...


BS (me):45
STBXH:53
M 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
2nd D-Day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, as well as a former BFF OW--I was in an "open marriage", I just never got the memo.
Divorced his ass!!

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Dec 2008
MissMovingOn
♀ 30720
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all so right. My boundaries are absolute shit after the last ten years with the asshat and I really need to work on that. Thank you all for the reminder!


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
FINAL FINAL DDay - August 8, 2014. I AM DONE!

Posts: 418 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
Topic Posts: 19

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