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Pass posted 2/12/2014 18:59 PM

The negative shit is piling up. Here's what's going on:

1. I'm sick. Woke up with a nasty head cold.
2. I have a lot of work I should be doing. I got a little done from my couch today.
3. I'm feeling sad about my lost marriage. I don't miss The Princess, but I'm mourning the fact that she never was the woman I thought she was. Why couldn't she have wanted marriage as much as me?
4. I'm lonely. Usually I'd be going out roaming around the neighbourhood, or doing some grocery shopping if I weren't sick.
5. I'm broke. I had to get money from my parents to pay the rent.
6. I'm stuck. I just can't make myself work a solid day. Even since my suicide attempt I've been avoiding work. Working on it with my shrink, but just have no idea.
7. I'm replaced. The Princess has her new man who is taking her and the boys to Florida over March Break. He is home from the mines for a few more days, and spends most of that time with her and my boys.
8. I'm really stuck. There is a list of about three things I have to provide to my lawyer for the financial disclosure, before she can advise me on the separation agreement, but I just can't make myself do it.

I know. I know there's a lot of really good shit going on in my life, and I know a lot of these things are worse at the moment because I'm sick and alone in my apartment. Most days I'm pretty good, but today I'm just a fucking wreck.

And if I don't start working soon, my only option will be to move back to my parents (two-hour drive from my kids, my friends, my life!). That's really not an option, but I just can't seem to make myself work. My shrink says it's not the depression causing it, because I look forward to the good things in my life, and have lots of other signs that the depression has improved. So I don't know what'n fuck it is.

I just wanted to complain. A little sad and hopeless at the moment, and I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole.

gahurts posted 2/12/2014 19:47 PM

Hey pass,

This shit can drive you crazy. I know that I spent many days at work being unable to accomplish anything when I was in your shoes. I would just get consumed with the depression and the lack of motivation and spend all day just reading through SI. Some days I had to force myself to stay away because General would bring me down too and I would spiral. After a week or two break then I could come back.

I don't agree with your IC. I think it is depression. I felt the depression very much when it hit and I lost motivation and lost drive. But I still looked forward to the fun stuff and going sailing and running. Running made a huge difference in my attitude and how I felt.

Talk to your MD about getting a mild AD. Try getting some exercise in. In the beginning it is really rough but after a while it really does feel good. I would not have believed it if I didn't experience it myself. This shit sandwich sucks big time. You just have to push through it.

Hope you start to feel better. The cold is probably the biggest thing keeping you from getting stuff done. Take care of yourself and then push forward.

Gemini71 posted 2/12/2014 19:49 PM

Here's how I dug myself out of my hole.

- Antidepressants.
- Therapy.
- Bit the bullet and moved in with my folks. (It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.)
- Spend more time with my kids.

The most important part of that is the one part you can't do, spend more time with your kids. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you.

Wish I had better advise. Good luck.

5454real posted 2/12/2014 20:03 PM

Hey bro, sorry to see you in this position. BTDT. I actually stayed with my job though. Don't mind telling you I was looking though.

Any chance on finding something new to go with your new beginning?

Sending strength

sunsetslost posted 2/12/2014 20:21 PM

Hey pass,

I don't have any advice. Just a man hug (don't be offended if I use Lysol. I can't get sick).

Feelings aren't optional. It sucks. Sending you all the strength in the world. You deserve it.

(((pass)))

SurelyNOT posted 2/12/2014 20:27 PM

You may be sad, but YOU ARE NOT HOPELESS.
Things are rough for you but it will get better. Sometimes we just need to wallow in it, but please don't dwell on what was, or what could have been.
I gotta admit I have a hard time when I think of my ex with her and her two children, she posts photos on fb, and it maddens me when I see her friends comments. Of course, they haven't told people the story of how "they" came to be - it makes me sick.
gahurts is right "try getting some exercise in", I can attest to this personally, it really does feel great and I was not the exercise type.
Hang in there pass ((( HUGS ))) the best is yet to come.

heartbroken_kk posted 2/12/2014 21:05 PM

Oh I'm so sorry you are feeling so blue. ((((pass))))

I agree with gahurts about disagreeing with your shrink.

I just can't seem to make myself work. My shrink says it's not the depression causing it, because I look forward to the good things in my life, and have lots of other signs that the depression has improved.

WRONG. At least wrong for me and my experience with depression. The number one symptom of depression for me is the inability to make myself do the things I know I need to do, including work. And I like my work!

I call it depression paralysis, or functional paralysis. I can't do. I just can't fucking DO what I know I should be doing. It's infuriating.

Definitely see your MD about anti-D meds. Try whatever is recommended for a month or so and re-assess. My MD talked to me on the phone weekly to get a feel for how the dosage and med type was working - whether I was getting any relief or side effects. In my case I think welbutrin basically saved my life. It lifted me out of the black hole. I was able to start doing. Whatever was keeping me stuck started to soften and get out of my way.

I was on AD meds for about 2 years, then weaned myself off about 6 months ago. I still work on the issue of doing, I talk to my shrink and we talk about where that stuck thing comes from and how I can get over it and move on with my life as a fully functioning human being. Like my old self. But there was NO F'n WAY I could have gotten through this without getting whatever was out of whack in my brain chemistry adjusted with some meds. At this point exercise, eating right, thinking good and proper thoughts, yadda yadda, it helps and I can DO. But I wasn't there last year.

Get a little more help from your helping people. Talk to your Dr.

more hugs ((((((pass))))))

Nature_Girl posted 2/12/2014 21:34 PM

I have gone through phases where I just could not force myself to get the financial paperwork together. Oh Lord, it was so hard to wade through that quagmire and get stuff sorted out and submitted with the right cover sheet or explanation. Such a huge task, so piddly, so angry-making because I didn't want to be doing it, I didn't want to be getting divorced, I didn't want to have to dismantle the financial instruments I'd so happily & lovingly established when we got married. It's been such a shock to me that I've reacted this way at times, because normally I'm a woman who has her shit together.

I've spent the better part of two years just telling myself that if I do just one thing today, just one thing that is one step towards accomplishing what I need to do, then I've made progress and can feel good about myself.

Pass posted 2/13/2014 07:31 AM

I call it depression paralysis, or functional paralysis. I can't do. I just can't fucking DO what I know I should be doing. It's infuriating.

Yep, that's what's going on with me. After my suicide attempt, I was on a large cocktail of antidepressants. They improved everything except my work. Like everything. And even after I stopped taking them, everything has stayed improved.

I think most of the rest of this stuff is just amplified because I'm sick - which is keeping me inside and away from people. But work and getting moving on the separation agreement are serious sticking points.

Once I'm better, maybe that's what I need to do, take a nice long walk before work each day. I'll try that.

Thank you.

IrishLass518 posted 2/13/2014 08:01 AM

Hey Pass,

Sorry that you are sick and having troubles. I feel that for me, when everything went down and I put so much of me into a marriage that I couldn't save by myself, I figured that if I couldn't make a difference to the one person in the world who mattered to me then I wasn't making a difference at work. I needed to know that what I did helped, mattered or made some sort of impact. I started to find that again when one of my managers pointed it out to me. I began to realize that it wasn't that I hadn't made a difference, it was that my xWH was indifferent to EVERYTHING other than OW.
Even if you don't see the impact of your work, it is there. Right now you already know the difference in your living should you stop working, you would have to move to your parents place. The impact that distance would have on you and your boys is already in your mind. You have the power to make sure that distance never actually happens, you have the power to make a difference to your boys.

Thefly559 posted 2/13/2014 08:25 AM

Ebbs and flows brother. This roller coaster sucks. Depression sucks and has many faces. You have came so far you are doing great. The pain is normal to feel often just do not get stuck there. Pay it a visit then get back on track. Physical health means mental health. Hit the gym , do yoga, breathe! You will see the difference Trust me. As far as work we have no choice. Depression can be a vicious spiral if you let it. When shit gets rough that is the time you have to push harder. You can do it , because you have done it already!! Right now you are sick physically which compounds it. Baby steps out brother. Stay strong.

GingerAle posted 2/13/2014 09:33 AM

The ebbs and flows, the roller coaster of up and downs all suck! You are not hopeless though. None of us believe that for a second and you can't either. You will never be replaced in your boys' lives. Never. The bond you have with them in unbreakable. It is an unconditional, deep love that no one can take away from the three of you.

I am so sorry, pass. Last month I had almost two weeks of being down, after a couple of weeks of feeling like I could and will do anything necessary to get out of my marriage. It's so hard to crash back down. So, I had to baby step my way back out of it. That's all we can do sometimes.

You are going to be back on the upswing. Keep posting ((((pass)))).

careerlady posted 2/13/2014 13:37 PM

(((Pass))) I'm so sorry. I can identify in many ways. It takes me forever to return paperwork, pay bills, etc. I know I am fortunate in that my job requires my full attention and I can lose myself in it. But I understand that level of inertia. I would agree that you need to go back on the ADs. Why did you stop them? You should be on them at least until the divorce is over and you are settled in your new life because your neurotransmitters are already stressed. Exercise is also a great way to increase endorphins. And sometimes you just gotta fake it until you make it. Just force yourself to do things and it will get easier. Hope you feel better soon!

Pass posted 2/13/2014 14:48 PM

Hey guys. I went off the antidepressants months ago because my general attitude and everything else seemed to be going so well, and work was the only thing that hadn't improved, so we decided that it wasn't a chemical issue. Also, I started to run out of money, and my prescriptions were about $300 per month.

I agree that if I were always feeling this way, I would definitely need to get back on them - if I could somehow afford them - but this has only been the past couple of days while I've been sick. Most days I'm pretty positive about the rest of that stuff. For some reason, I just can't seem to work.

Once my head isn't pounding anymore, I'll start my day off with a brisk walk. I'm self-employed and work out of my home office, so I can take that time to do something like that if it helps me to actually work for the rest of the day.

Thanks, y'all. Mostly I've been feeling pretty positive lately, but it's good to know you're here for the dips in the road.

SBB posted 2/13/2014 15:27 PM

Keep an eye on yourself pass. A dip is a dip and a peak comes afterwards but a depression episode is a depression episode.

I have been through bouts of inertia myself. I'm a personal assistant so I am not able to hit inertia at work for very long without it being noticed. At home it is clearly evident when one of those bouts hit. Washing piles up, dishes pile up, no cleaning has been done. My home is usually spotless.

What helps snap me into action is imagining losing my job and living with my mum (20 mins away). Its good to have a safety net and if it does happen I will accept but that thought scares me enough to kick my arse back into gear. At home I can motivate myself by getting angry and partaking in some epic rage cleaning.

Is it possible to force yourself to work? Like 2 hours at a time then a brisk walk then another 2 hours?

What is the first thought that comes into your head when I ask you why you're avoiding work? Doesn't matter how nonsensical you think it is say the answer out loud.

This is a tool my IC gave me when we were discussing why I do the avoidance thing in terms of financial settlement. My first answer was "I don't want it to happen". That made me mad - I DO want it to divorced. I DON'T want him back. When I challenged the thought I realised I just wanted it to happen without having to go through all of the emotional shit. I wanted it to HAVE HAPPENED already.

So I got busy getting to happened.

None of this is self-talk or motivation will work if ADs are required. Just like you can't willpower yourself out of diabetes you can't willpower yourself out of depression.

Having said all that you are allowed to have days where you are a fucking wreck. It sucks because you feel like you're taking 10 steps back but you're not - these days are a part of the healing process. An important part. As important as the good and great days.

We're here, friend. Make sure you reach out to people IRL too. Online hugs are nowhere near as good or effective as IRL hugs.

((pass))

Pass posted 2/13/2014 22:43 PM

What is the first thought that comes into your head when I ask you why you're avoiding work? Doesn't matter how nonsensical you think it is say the answer out loud.

"I just can't devote the time and concentration it takes right now" is the first thing that pops into my head. I'm not sure where else I think my time and head should be though. I mean, I've got all this time set aside each day for working.

And when I get work done, I feel really good. As a custom software developer, I get regular feedback from my clients about how much easier my work makes their lives. I feel like a superhero when I do it (my job title on my business card is actually "Database Superhero"!).

I swear, dude, none of this shit makes any fucking sense to me.

Anyhow, after two days of lying sick on the couch, I finally was feeling well enough to get up to shower and shave. Then I made myself an omelet (well, tried to fold it too soon so it was more like spicy, lumpy eggs with stuff in them). So I'm feeling a lot better about the rest of that stuff now.

Just work and the separation. Those are the big items I have to conquer. Tomorrow is when the morning walks start. I've never done it before, because I always wanted to rush to my desk - to get straight to work - but then I would just sit there and stare at the screen all day. So saving that time was really a false economy.

So, I'll get up, shower and shave, go for a walk, and then get to work. We'll see how this goes.

Thanks, y'all.