I already posted this in a thread below, but I'm reposting in hopes of more responses...
I would like to share and email I sent my husband, and what he wrote back, and get some third party feedback.
Here is what I sent him, while he is at work:
You've probably already guessed this, but I am hurting pretty badly today. I don't know where it came from, but I can't seem to shake it today. As you read this, keep in mind my tone is not angry or anything else. Just matter-of-fact, and a little bit sad.
You did ruin everything. My life was perfect and you ruined it for nothing. Now it feels like the best possible scenario is that we get back to the way it was, only there is this big ugly shadow lurking around reminding me that I can't trust you, that you are so susceptible to temptation. I HATE that that stupid bitch put you in this position. I hate that you were too weak to tell her to get lost. I hate that I didn't mean enough to you at the time to keep that from happening. I hate that as you walked out the door today, I wanted to remind you not to have sex with anyone if you ended up having to sleep there. I can't believe that that thought even enters my mind.
I understand that you get frustrated, and that you can't help feeling what you feel. But it is SO hard for me when you shut down and get frustrated because it just feels like you are ripping my heart out yet again, and that I am not worth putting aside the frustration in order to be present with me, and be sad WITH me about what we lost as a result of your poor choices.
I need you to continue to grieve with me when I am sad. You lost a lot too. You have plenty to be sad about. Be sad for a few minutes with me, so we can both move on together. Please don't just shut down because it sucks thinking about what you did. You NEED to think about it.
I need you think think about things, and share your thoughts with me. The other night when you told me how angry you were at me in church was one of the first and only times I feel like you told me what you were REALLY thinking. I need you to try harder to continue to tell me thing, good and bad, because I am not a mind reader.
None of this means that "nothing you do is good enough for me," it just means that there are some things I think it's extremely important to work on, and the fact that you get frustrated and shut down when I ask you about this stuff makes me feel like I am not worth the uncomfortable work of actually feeling feelings and sharing them. And that stings pretty badly.
I'm not sure where I am going with this, but it's some stuff I needed to get off my chest. I'm about to press send and hoping I don't regret it.
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And this was his response:
IJLY{<--means "I Just Love You" it's a "thing" of ours}. I'm sorry that I make you sad. I really am. I'm sorry that my actions and poor choices have essentially destroyed our marriage. I really am trying to make everything work. I wish it were easier to share my feelings with you, but that is not something that I really know how to do. You and I have very different coping mechanisms. We have very different ways to deal with adversity. We have very different ways to show love. I'm sorry the way that I do things does not mesh with the way you do things. But again, I'm trying. I'm sorry that you can't just tell me "bye" with out disgusting thoughts crossing your mind. I still love you. I will always love you. I know that I made a mistake. I'm passed it. I'm trying to do everything I can to help you get through this. You make me the happiest person on the planet.
I love you,
Hband.
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I know he is trying, but am I asking too much by asking him to really take time to feel actual feelings? And share them? I know they have to exist somewhere inside of him. Is it asking too much that he find them?