Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
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Newest Member: Dquacook1973 (60713)

User Topic: How to Decide
♀ 42306
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it is too early to decide anything. At least I think it is. It's only been a week and a half. He's living elsewhere, although he still picks up the kids and makes dinner. He spends the weekends here (sleeps on the couch) and the kids think he's the night manager at his work.

My head says that I should continue to detach. That I don't need him. That it would be much easier for me to recover and focus on my children without trying to R. If not for the finances, I think I would prefer to be amicably divorced co-parents.

But I do miss him. I wish I didn't. He was my best friend, biggest cheerleader, and source of comfort. I miss those things. Maybe I just need to lean more on my family and friends and get a dog. Is missing a person's hugs a reason to stay married to a lying, cheating, fool?

When we are together, or when we text/e-mail, I feel emotionally... unhealthy. Needy. Ugh. That is not who I want to be right now. When I remove him from my imaginary future I feel strong, brave, and in control.

I am 95% sure the affair is over and that he genuinely wants to reconcile. He is trying pretty hard, although I am not completely overwhelmed. I think he is trying to give me the space I've requested. If he is still playing me for the fool I will D and never look back, that is for certain.

If I do decide to R I don't want to do it too soon. I want to make sure he feels the full weight of the separation and that he is 100% aware of what he has given up.

How much time will I need before I can think about this clearly and make a decision? I know there is no right answer. How long did it take you?

Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting

Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
♀ 32640
Member # 32640
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi - I am very sorry you are going through this.

The first time I found out about OW#1, I was ready immediately to R because he seemed so remorseful and did everything "right" - agreed to NC, went to MC, etc.

The second time, I found out about OW#2, I agreed to R after two weeks of separation because he swore it was over. It wasn't.

The third time I found out the OW#2 A was still going on, I wrote up a separation agreement. We have been separated now for three months, and I have not yet decided to D or R, but 98% sure I will be filing for D soon. I change my mind sometimes every day. D is a big decision, do not make it when you are upset. Think it through and make sure you are making a well thought out plan.

In hindsight, I should have filed for D after A #1 because the lying and deception is just so unbelievably pervasive. I know I can never trust anything he says.

Good luck to you {{hugs}}

BS - me (44)
M 20 years, three kids
D-Day June, 2011
D-Day #2 Sept, 2013
Separated after D-Day #3 Dec 2013
Divorcing 2014

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2011
♂ 4504
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course it is too early to decide anything. You just got hit by a bus - you've suffered a major emotional trauma. Give yourself 6 months to a year before trying to figure out what comes next.

You are in the early stages of a long, emotional roller-coaster. Some days you will love him more than you can comprehend, other days you will hate him. You won't be able to separate your pain from your love . . . .

The point is, before making a major life decision, you need time to heal - and you need time to figure out if you can trust him again. It takes months or years to regain trust.

Read the 180 rules in the FAQ section -

It has a lot of wise advice on how to act, how to behave at a time when all your norms are shaken.

Let him know that you need 6 - months to a year to recover. Understand that if you both decide to reconcile, it will be a long, hard road. However, marriages have come back, can come back from this betrayal. But both of your expectations has to be that the next 2 years are going to suck.

Good luck

don't try to rush things, just focus on healing.

It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2540 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
♂ 42251
Member # 42251
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, I decided 8 months after I discovered my wife's affair. I decided to reconcile and my two young children were a major consideration in my decision. Time will tell if my decision is right or not.

As others have said you will unfortunately go through a painful process, one day you will want to D and one day you will want to R. Two things are important: (i) you take some time before making a decision - 6 months is a rule of thunb (although it can be longer or shorter); (ii) your husband gives you an explanation re why he has done this terrible thing to you. Obviously whatever he thinks was missing from your marriage is NOT a justification for the affair and he needs to understand this. I would advise you to buy one or two good books on the subject as it would be good for you to be prepared.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 41992
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4 months out and still am not sure if I will D or R. Each day, or perhaps each hour, is a new adventure on this roller coaster I am riding.

BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
♀ 42210
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kellys2014. I am so sorry you are here. I am not much further down this road than you are and it isn't an easy road to navigate.

Although my kids are older than yours, I know the desire to try to D amicably for their sakes. In my situation he left for the OW at the time he told me and doesn't want to R so I don't have to make the decision myself whether to D or not.

I worry that your WH is eating cake right now. He still has his family life plus he has freedom of living somewhere else at night. One of the first things my STBXH said after he left was he wished nothing would change except he slept at OWs house!

And I am finding it difficult for him to be amicable in the process. Just protect yourself and your heart at this time. Post here often. There are some amazing people who will walk your path with you.

Good luck. (((Kelly and kids)))

Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kelly. You know you are doing great, right? Given the circumstances.

I think right now, you just keep on keepin' on. You can continue to detach without ruling out R. And while you detach, you will still miss him. That is so, so normal. But it doesn't change the situation, really.

Give time to have some distance, and also give him time to prove whether or not he is 100% on board and remorseful.

And get that dog if you want to.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep detaching, keep communication about finances or the kids, sans the weekend detente for family time.

At some point you lay it on the table that you feel the first M is over and that since he left that one , he has to earn his way back into the second one. Set some boundaries and see if he honors them.

Give it six months and evaluate progress and decide how long to give again before the next evaluation.

I know that sounds cold, but no better way to see if he really does want the M (and you). At the same time it helps to establish your life outside of the confines of the M (not dating of course, hobbies, friends, career, school, etc).

Tell him you want a M you WANT to be in, not one you HAVE to be in. Think on it, there is a big difference.

Me-40 her-40

DS 6, DD 12
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 3245 | Registered: May 2010
Topic Posts: 8

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