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Just in pain

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Mhiimg65 posted 2/12/2014 22:59 PM

Can't even describe it. Probably a good thing, I guess. It means I have feelings.

Jrazz posted 2/12/2014 23:02 PM

(((Mhiimg65)))

Mhiimg65 posted 2/12/2014 23:13 PM

I feel like I have no one..I am in despair. OK . I'll get through this. Always have. Always will. I just hate feeling all alone. WH is out of town ( big trigger) . All four sisters are not communicative. And I wouldn't any way, because they hate me because my life has been so "perfect" . Who do you turn to? Just asking? Can't go to the pastor, he had a PA too. Best friend would tell the world. What would you do? I can only think to start a journal, but If I died tomorrow someone would find it. I hate this feeling.

Jrazz posted 2/12/2014 23:23 PM

Well I certainly hope you don't die tomorrow.

I'm glad you came to post here. It's a shoulder to lean on when people in IRL don't get it, or are unavailable.

People in my life know, but I really don't have a damn person to talk to about this IRL except for the friends I've made here. The empathetic hurt too much for us, and the self-absorbed don't want to be bothered.

I think that's why we push counseling so much here - it's a great place to get real-life help when nobody else seems to want to talk or offer support.

You've got us, though. We're here and we care. Sending you big hugs and hoping that your H shows some compassion and understanding while he is out of town.

worried_lady posted 2/13/2014 00:16 AM

Write in a journal, if you die it won't matter to you. Dying is not a reason to not journal. Journaling really helps. Write down everything that is bothering you, then ask yourself if there is anything that you can do about any of it right then. If so, do it. If not at least you have acknowledged the situation and you have worried about it as much as you need to for that day and then get on with living your life.

The best person you can turn to is yourself. You are a lot stronger than you think. It is amazing what the mind can do if forced to. At night you go to bed wondering if you can even wake up you are in so much pain then every morning you will wake up just a little stronger. It will come a day that you realize he does not matter, that your feelings are more important than he is and you will stand tall. Believe in yourself. You can do this, you are stronger than you think.

BAB61 posted 2/13/2014 00:23 AM

(((Mhiimg65)))
Feel for you ...

Hoping2survive posted 2/13/2014 07:43 AM

You have come to the right place for support! We all know exactly how it feels. I remember it all too well. And it does feel excruciating, and it makes everything hurt. Triggers are huge right now, but they will not be so emotional down the road. Just breathe and know that you have support here. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Maybe there are friends or acquaintances you know you have secretly been through this too. Seek out someone you can trust. It's a shame that your bf can't be trusted to keep her mouth shut! But good that you know that. Go for long walks and take time for yourself. Nurture yourself now! You didn't deserve this and this isn't your fault.

Hugs and healing sent your way. Hang in there with us : ) You'll come out the other side much wiser and maybe even happier.

Ivyivy posted 2/13/2014 07:51 AM

You are not alone. Unfortunately there are so many of us. I have had and continue to have the same kinds of thoughts as you. One of the hardest things I find about trying to survive this A is that in the real world, I need to continue to act as though nothing has happened.

My perspective is that this is worse than a death in the family because there is never any closure (or if there is it is years later). It is more akin to a festering open sore.

Unlike a death, I can never grieve openly for the loss I suffered due to the A. There are people I have told and people I have not told. My family knows, some close friends, and a few co-workers (told early on after dDay so they would understand the loss in my productivity).

My fear in telling people and allowing this to live in the real world is the judgements people make when they hear about it. They don't do it to be hurtful but more because it is one of those things that you cannot understand unless you have been in these shoes.

I had a friend who discovered her husband's affair about a year before my dDay. From the sidelines, before my own A experience, I remember thinking more along black and white decisions that she should make. When it happened to me, I spoke with her about the change in perspective and how everything blends into grey on this side.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. You are not alone - there are so many of us out there.

Mhiimg65 posted 2/13/2014 08:30 AM

Thank you all. I feel less alone now. I just can't get over the feeling that I'm being held hostage and can't escape from the reality of it all. My feelings are all over the place. One minute I'm OK and the next I either want to scream, cry, or hit something.

Ivyivy is right. This is worse than a death of a close one, because it does take so much longer to heal. I had spent the entire 2013 trying to close my mothers estate. In early Dec. it was all done. I felt healed somewhat. WH gave me a months reprieve before it all hit the fan. I'm just a little pissed that my last two years have been full of angst, and now I've got to think in terms of years of healing. It sucks.

SurelyNOT posted 2/13/2014 11:57 AM

You will go through a myriad of emotions, it's an emotional roller coaster. Buckle yourself in because the road ahead is bumpy.
I do not have all the answers, unfortunately, I truly wish I did.
Sending you good vibes ((( HUGS ))) and better days to come.

sisoon posted 2/13/2014 12:11 PM

You can journal here, and you can keep it private or open to other SIers.

You know, you are held hostage, unable to escape the reality of it all. This really happened.

But you can survive and thrive. It's hard to realize that right now, but it's true. You can accept all the truth, make your decisions, and rebuild a good life.

(((Mhiimg65)))

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