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A realisation. should have been obvious

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HurtsButImOK posted 2/13/2014 03:34 AM

But I am a slow learner.

I have wanted a genuine apology for all the years of lies x put me through. Somewhat stupidly I just realised that that apology would need to come from a genuine person. My x is not a genuine person.

I can stop holding my breath now and continue moving towards acceptance and healing. That apology will never come. Still working on forgiving myself though.

SBB posted 2/13/2014 04:51 AM

Oh but when you do learn it it sticks.

I think we've all been on that quest at one point or another - I just wanted proof of life, I wanted to know the guy I married and chose to have children with was in there somewhere, anywhere. He wasn't.


PhantomLimb posted 2/13/2014 09:10 AM

I hope this doesn't turn into too much of a t/j, but I'm with you on this. If I'm perfectly honest, I still do expect an apology someday... but by someday, I mean, like, years and years and years down the road, possibly.

The way I figure it is that a lot of this is contingent. It's contingent on them figuring themselves out... if they ever do the work. I doubt my X will unless something (else?) catastrophic happens in his life (like he gets fired, someone cheats on him). In that case, a version of an apology might be something along the lines of an email that basically says "oh... I understand why you hate me now. I'm a total shit."

The sad NPD version of that would be if the bunnies and rainbows die and he starts to panic that he's alone. Then I might get an apology if he thinks it could somehow get me to sign up to be his babysitter again.

But more likely I think he may get to a point when he is an old man where he might look back and realize that we had a good M and I was a genuine partner with whom he could have had a nice life. In that case, experience and just the passage of time may reveal to him that he was a shit.

This may be a little loopy or sadistic on my part, but one of the reasons I NC/S/D so quickly was because I wanted out of there while I still had some dignity left so that I could be preserved in his mind as someone who was strong and decent until the end. One of the reasons I maintain NC now is because I want him to only have memories of me as the nice and loving girl he M... so it can haunt him, if he thinks about me at all.

But, anyway, in none of these scenarios is an apology coming because he's a genuine or good person. Because a genuine and good person wouldn't do the things that these WW do.

GingerAle posted 2/13/2014 09:40 AM

But more likely I think he may get to a point when he is an old man where he might look back and realize that we had a good M and I was a genuine partner with whom he could have had a nice life. In that case, experience and just the passage of time may reveal to him that he was a shit.

I think that's how it will be with my STBXWH, too. I mean, how could any of this possibly be because of him??

Hurts, I doubt you are a slow learner. Just a good and decent person who thought her spouse was, too. There is nothing stupid or foolish about that. But now you know different, so you are adjusting your thinking. I think that's very wise

StillLivin posted 2/13/2014 11:58 AM

Once you realize that they aren't genuine, the next phase that comes later is NOT wanting the apology.
I think if he tried to apologize to me in person I would slap him for insulting my intelligence and disrespecting me further.
He did apologize for cheating on me in an email while he was sitting on the couch next to her. He said he if he could go back in time and do things differently he would. All I could think of was, dang, but if you wanted to change the past you would, but you DON'T want to change your present. WTFEva.
You won't want him to apologize, because you will know that he doesn't understand the concept of an apology or true R.

Gemini71 posted 2/13/2014 17:22 PM

My STBXH started off D-Day with an apology. All it does is make the words meaningless. Words are cheap. Their actions have already said they don't care.

Pippy posted 2/13/2014 18:52 PM

That's something that will disappear down the road. I'm 9 years out and couldn't care less. I don't even care about him or his life anymore. It takes time, but so freeing when you reach it.

Remember we only did what we thought was right when we were married. Don't be so hard on yourself. We had no instruction booklet. No one is perfect.

Harriet posted 2/14/2014 01:14 AM

I got lots of sorrys. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I feel this way. I'm sorry you're in pain." It's pretty worthless. We're divorced and he's still a philanderer. It's not worth waiting for.

HurtsButImOK posted 2/14/2014 01:33 AM

I did get sorrys, sprinkled like glitter. Got 'sorry' each time he cheated. After final DD the word sorry dropped from his mouth made me see red . It reminded me of Princess Bride and I wanted to say 'I do not think that word means what you think it means' .

I even told him to stop saying that word. It had been used so many times by him that it was meaningless. i wanted an apology that in some way showed an understanding or empathy of the true horror of what he had done and the years of my life wasted.

Yep never gonna happen because, after all, according to him it's all my fault he 'had' to cheat.

It just took me a while to accept that this empty, soulless being is who he really is. The person I loved was a mask, a fictitious creation in my own mind.

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