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TT is killing me

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veronique12 posted 2/13/2014 04:51 AM

I learned some devastating news last night. H had sex with OW a few days after I learned of what I was told by H was an EA. I found him texting with OW in late Nov. and he swore it was an EA. He confessed it was a PA a few weeks after in mid Dec after I found emails. Since then he has lied and TT'd constantly about the extent of things. Last week we had what I thought was a breakthrough. He confessed that they had sex and had seen each other a lot more than he had told me. He said he's now completely transparent and that he knows it's the only way to save the M. Last night I learned that despite him telling me that their last time together was right before I caught him texting in late Nov, he actually had gone to her place to "end it " a few days after I found out when I was on work travel and ended Up having sex with her. This was when he was telling me he wanted to work things out and he loooved me so much. NC phone call happened in mid Dec after he confessed that the A had been physical as well as emotional. That supposedly was the last time they spoke.

Now what?? I have been lied to again. I asked him whether he talked to her bw late nov and mid dec when he called her to break things off and he's consistently said no . I asked again about this last evening and at first he denied but then he confessed.

Idk what to do. I thought he was getting it and then I learn this. I feel sick. How much more can I take? The lies are killing me and he knows it. He said he wanted to come clean even tho he knew it might be the end of the M. How can this not be the end? I'm so hurt.

devasted30 posted 2/13/2014 06:42 AM

TT is a killer. No doubt about it. My WS TT'd me for months. When he moved back home, I begged him for the truth. Gave him a free pass. But, that didn't matter. He continued to lie to me for months. They do it to protect themselves. They are afraid that if they tell us everything, we will leave or kick them out. They are afraid they will hurt us even more. Especially if they are truly remorseful. They DO NOT understand that the lies are as bad as the affairs. I don't know if I have the whole truth yet. Don't know if I'll ever have it. My WS tells me I know everything now. But, I've heard that so many times before. At some point you will decide if enough is, in fact, enough. The rage and anger that consumes me is fifty percent the lies and fifty percent the affairs. Dealing with all of it is so very hard. The lies just make it so much; so very much worse. I wish I could give you the magical words that will make them "tell it all" but there is nothing that I know of that will do that. Your decision is whether you can survive on never knowing the full truth or believing that you, finally, have it. Good luck.

Thessalian posted 2/13/2014 06:51 AM

He said he's now completely transparent and that he knows it's the only way to save the M.

In my experience (4 months of brutal TT), once you hear this, you're halfway to the truth.

My advice? Kick him out / leave / refuse to engage in absolutely anything else (including trying to salvage pieces of the relationship for yourself mentally) until he, of his own accord, brings you the whole story. No amount of pleading, drawing lines in the sand or threatening will help. He has to know you will get the truth or walk - and he has to come to a place to offer the truth in the spirit of absolute honesty.

ETA: When I did this, WH kept trying to bring me small "truths" to make me capitulate and come home. I kept saying, "That's nice. But that's not all. Come back when you're ready to tell the truth." Finally I got a big chunk of it. Still wasn't all of it, but I got through the big wall.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 6:54 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Ivyivy posted 2/13/2014 07:27 AM

There are the lies that you know are lies because you know the truth. What about the rest? How do you ever get to the point that you can tell if it is the truth you are being told or just additional lies. Where do you ever find trust again?

veronique12 posted 2/13/2014 10:31 AM

Thanks everyone. It is brutal. You're right, the lying is as bad as the A. H and I have talked about how much "easier" this whole thing could have gone (ha, I know how that sounds!) if he could have just grown a pair and told me everything. I think part of the problem at first, and I'm finally letting myself really examine this, is that he was actually iffy on whether we should stay together after I found out, despite the fact that he was telling me otherwise. He was so deep in the A fog that he couldn't empathize with me and thought only of protecting himself. I think that fog is starting to lift, but who knows.

I suppose I should prepare myself for more. I just need to catch my breath. I can't imagine it getting worse, but everyone time I say that...

Devastated, you've got my H down to a T. He's terrified and on top of that he's a conflict avoider who has learned to clam up whenever there's danger (gotta love counseling) so it's a perfect recipe for TT.

I think that I'm getting to that point of enough is enough. I don't know how much more I can take and the truth is already so much worse than I had imagined that what more proof do I need? I say that now, but in the heat of the moment when a question strikes me, I cannot control myself and demand answers. Need to learn to cool down and think whether knowing that stuff will help or hurt.

How do you ever get to the point that you can tell if it is the truth you are being told or just additional lies. Where do you ever find trust again?

Exactly. This is terrifying to me. I have told H that the only way things can maybe start to get any better is if he can provide a "safe" environment in which I can start to heal. Right now I'm checking over my shoulder waiting for the next shoe to drop. So far that other shoe has always dropped and so I'm unable to heal and unable to trust. It's awful.

norabird posted 2/13/2014 10:43 AM

I'm so sorry Veronique. Are you practicing the 180 at all? I really wish I had used it during my false R. It sounds like you need to get some detachment here after all the hurt he has caused.

veronique12 posted 2/13/2014 11:07 AM

Norabird: I was a bit but I need to be more consistent.

devasted30 posted 2/14/2014 18:03 PM

Hi V12
My WS is a huge conflict avoider too and that contributed to his TTing as well. When I gave him the story about rebuilding the house from the ground up-how we could not use the old foundation, he finally gave me the "whole truth". Or at least I hope so. I will never know it all unless he finally tells me more! If there is more. He says there isn't any more but I heard hat soooooooo many times before. Who knows. I just try not to dwell on it and just try to work on "R"

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