SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 08:00 AM

Anyone else try to buy an "appropriate" card for their WS? Yesterday I found my blood pressure raising each time I looked at a new card. Talking about trust, faith, my partner, My one and only, etc.
I became so angry that my husband has made it impossible for me to express any of these things in a card anymore, that they all portrayed the sentiments that I would have excitedly shared just last year, and are no longer applicable, was just causing me to become angrier and angrier. Again, mourning the loss of the marriage I thought I had and will never be able to take pride in believing again. I really thought I was a little further along than this: UGH!!!

lordhasaplan? posted 2/13/2014 08:13 AM

I bought a blank one last year and wrote my feelings at the time.
This year. I send a heartfelt letter about where I am and I see us in our M. Cards are gone. they are inadequate to express the damage, rebuild, state of M etc. Be authentic to where you are. express what you feel based on where you are. Screw the card.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:13 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 08:30 AM

Oh, thank you so much for re-directing me!!! You are right, cards are just not appropriate and writing from my heart is the way to go. I got stuck in the feelings that surfaced at being reminded that I can no longer believe that I have an innocent marriage with a man I can trust, without betrayal. I came home from my experience empty handed and promptly said to my husband, "So don't even bother trying to get a card for Valentine's Day; it's impossible now!" His response; "O.k., I'm no artist, but I can make my own and write it myself…" I guess I need to concede that this is my new life...

lordhasaplan? posted 2/13/2014 08:44 AM

I guess I need to concede that this is my new life...

Yes, but it can be a marvelous one. I wrote my wife last night. I was able to speak directly to us. No unicorns and rainbows fairy tale BS. We have chosen a path together, one that requires each of us to be authentic to who we are as individuals and partners. There are no cards that can speak to that place where we are. My guess is, your the same. Its not a bad thing, in fact I prefer it to the unicorns and rainbows.

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 08:51 AM

Hmmm… I have always been the one who left door unlocked and believed in the good in everyone. I liked the unicorns and rainbows. Maybe that is partly why i am here now????
Thank you for supporting the idea that what is out there cannot possible express adequately where we are, and the choice to move forward together as a team, working hard to gain a life that is healthy and TRULY fulfilling and connected is something to celebrate and probably BEST said in our own words. Thank you very much for sharing…..

Kelany posted 2/13/2014 08:55 AM

Hallmark has a section for troubled relationships. I went there after dday.

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 08:58 AM

I was sooooo hopeful about that section, but there was just nothing that captured our situation adequately :(

myeverafter posted 2/13/2014 09:00 AM

Hallmark has a section for troubled relationships.

I didn't know that. I will have to try to stop there after work...

I thought I was going to lose it yesterday in Target. It felt like a panic attack was going to happen or just plain sadness...

alifeforesaken posted 2/13/2014 09:03 AM

I agree with samanthabaker, if you want a card, hallmark has a section. We don't usually celebrate V-day but I thought I'd get a card in good faith. It was hard. I obviously love my H enough to give him a chance to R, but most cards do not reflect this situation. He is not the best or faithful or extremely loveable.

The card I wasn't from hallmark but says:

Real love is not in the falling
It's in the staying
The day-to-daying
The ups and downs
The smiles and frowns

Inside it said real love is found in each and every moment I spend with you. I modified it to say " I want real love found in every moment..." I also wrote some additional feeling, trying to be hopeful but clearly expressing some hurt.

We'll see.

[This message edited by alifeforesaken at 9:04 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 09:09 AM

Alifeforsaken, that is a great card. Wish the store I was in had it; I might have chosen that one. Good luck tomorrow to you and to all; may we all have a little peace, and feel a little hope and a bright light for some part of the day :)

AML04 posted 2/13/2014 09:24 AM

I did this yesterday and focused only on the ones that were "simply stated ". I picked one that spoke to how I feel about him and got one. It was still so stressful that I don't even remember what it says but I already signed and sealed it!

VeryUncertain posted 2/13/2014 09:33 AM

I bought one that said something like "the family appreciates you" and signed it from both me AND the kids. Nothing else seemed even remotely appropriate.

I almost had to give up and make one (and by make one I mean my older daughter would have put some heart stickers on a piece of paper).

Lyonesse posted 2/13/2014 09:37 AM

I'm impressed that you went to get him a V-day card at all. I didn't for the first two years after D-day, because he wasn't my valentine. It was even a big debate for me whether to get him a Happy Birthday card (his birthday was a few weeks after D-day) but in the end I did only because they were all out of Cruddy Birthday cards.

This is the first year I am buying a VD card for him, and I bought it in the kid's section. Only cards that did not have all the sentiments associated with real adult relationships. Slightly funny, and appropriate for his level of emotional development. Let him be the one to spend an hour in the card aisle trying to express his hopes for our relationship.

mchercheur posted 2/13/2014 10:02 AM

For the past 2 Valentine's Days since Dday, I gave WH a card that just said "Happy Valentine's Day to my husband", & that's it, to get around this dilemma.
WH gave me a Valentine early this year. It says:

To the one person I consider to be my soulmate

I am so glad that you are a part of my life.
It is a privilege---to know you, to share myself with you, and to walk together on the paths that take us in so many beautiful directions...
I had heard of "soul mates" before, but I never knew such a person could exist---until I met you.
Somehow, out of all the twists and turns our lives could have taken, and out of all the chances we might have missed, it almost seems like we were given a meant -to-be moment---to meet, to get to know one another, and to set the stage for a special togetherness.
When I am with you, I know that I am in the presence of someone who makes my life more complete than I ever dreamed it could be.
I turn to you for trust, and you give it openly.
I look to you for inspiration, for answers, and for encouragement, and --not only do you never let me down--you lift my spirits up and take my thoughts to places where my troubles seem much farther away and my joys feel like they're going to stay in my life forever.
I hope you'll stay forever, too. I feel like you're my soul mate. And I want you to know that my world is reassured by you, my tomorrows need to have you near, so many of my smiles depend on you, and my heart is so thankful that you're here.

Dearest mchercheur, You are loved by me more than you'll ever know.

OK, I know he took about an hour to find that card , because I know how long he was gone.
Before Dday, he would never have given me a card like that.
But, when I read it, all I could think was "How can you cheat on your soulmate?"
Maybe he has only come to the realization (that I am his soulmate) now.
Before Dday, I was only his wife for 23 years & the mother of his 4 children, & the other income-earner in the house, & the servant girl for him & his family, & the housekeeper, chauffeur, & cook, & the caretaker of our kids.

I think I will just stick to "Happy Valentine's Day to my husband" again this year.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:13 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

sad12008 posted 2/13/2014 10:12 AM

I certainly understand your sentiments, Neverwudaguessed!

I've come to the conclusion that nothing in my life is adequately reflected in a Hallmark card...

The blank card with a handwritten note or letter idea can be helpful...although I remember sitting with a blank sheet of paper and trying to think of things to write. Struggling mightily, as it seemed each "nice" thing I thought to write was immediately followed in my mind by some snarky (but true) retort or codicil. It was very hard.

You could just skip the card and give a small gift with a gift tag.

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 10:15 AM

I read that card!!!! I almost threw up though, because they called each other their soul mates at one point at the end of the affair. I did wish that I could feel good about getting or receiving a card like that this year, because I could have happily done either last year. I agree; short and west it may have to be; just not sure what will come out when I sit down to write….

IamDyingInside posted 2/13/2014 10:37 AM

I knew to not even try to look for a Vday card after looking for an anniversary card a few months ago! I bought a basket, some goodies to put in it and some ribbon to decorate it up nice. I thought about looking for a blank Vday card but I am thinking I won't even attempt to step foot in that isle.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 2/13/2014 11:01 AM

perhaps its a less popular sentiment....but....IMO...why do you HAVE to buy a card just because its valentines day? For me personally, There are no cards out there that can express what i am feeling. So why buy one? why sit there and read all the fluff that just amplifies the sadness, grief, sense of what was lost? Why put myself thru that? i KNOW what all the valentines cards say....and right now at this stage of my healing, i am not in a place where i can say any of that and mean it. Open, honest, transparent, our new motto. So i flat out told my WH...no cards. I was honest and upfront about my feelings, explained how the cards just amplify the hurt. Valentines, birthday, anniversary, nothing. I dont want any from him, and i will not be giving him any either. To be perfectly honest, telling him exactly how hurtful card shopping is and just flat out saying "i dont have that in me right now" is refreshing and takes a lot of the stress and pressure off me.

perhaps in time i will be able to card shop again. But for now, this is where i am, and i dont feel bad about it. Day by day.

hugs to all of you!

SadFlower posted 2/13/2014 14:00 PM

I've bought three cards, not sure which one to give him. I bought them when I was in different moods:

1. R is going extremely well, especially the last six months; he's been great, and my love is flooding back, so I bought a nice (but not mushy) "I love you" kind of card on a day when I was feeling particularly loved and loving.

2. On a day when I felt kind of funny and playful, I bought a silly, jokey card. But there's a veiled sexual innuendo that might make him sad, since he's been experiencing ED. I should probably not give him this one.

3. On one of those yeah-he's-great-now-but-how-the-hell-could-he-have-done-this-to-me days, I bought a card that says we can't change the past, we don't know the future, but let's love each other today and celebrate. It would have been perfect last year, but this year it seems a little somber.

Maybe I'll go with #1. I think I'll write him a letter, too. And yes, I know the three cards thing is obsessive and silly.

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 14:03 PM

I wish I could find one like your number three. That is really where I seem to be at the moment. Didn't see that one either at the three stores I have gone to….