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Question regarding OW

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Healinggirl posted 2/13/2014 08:27 AM

If a woman deliberately and specifically seeks out a married man, manouvres herself into being alone with him without danger of interruption, then proceeds to flatter him and tells him she has had 'feelings' for him for years, what would be the first thing that would go through that man's mind?

What would most men think she wanted? I'm not asking what most men would actually do, but what would be going through their minds especially as sex wasn't mentioned or alluded to.

Thank you all in advance.

bionicgal posted 2/13/2014 08:28 AM

haha - Ask our AP!

Healinggirl posted 2/13/2014 08:36 AM

I know...I'm probably asking the stupidly obvious here, but it's a bit of a loose end. Was she really angling for an affair with a married man or what?

FWH seems to think that he chased her, not the other way round.

strongerdaybyday posted 2/13/2014 08:51 AM

The OW in my case wanted my H (they have an OC together) because he saw what an amazing father he was to our children and she wanted that for her children. She tried to schmooze her way offering him a place to stay when I kicked him out (this is before I knew of the A) and telling him they could be a family. She was desperate and pathetic. Most men are to stupid to think a woman would be so conniving and vindictive.

cl131716 posted 2/13/2014 09:04 AM

I don't know. The OW in my case thought WH was so wonderful because he was sweet and "faithful" the opposite of her husband. Ironic huh?

Healinggirl posted 2/13/2014 09:12 AM

Many thanks for your replies, they do make sense.

Would a man think she was merely wanting sex? Is that how men think?

million tears posted 2/13/2014 09:14 AM

I don't know why the OW wanted my WH. He is a nice guy (other than being a lying, cheating dickhead) and he's nice looking and a good father. Maybe she wanted the whole package.

She pursued him for a couple of years. Her BH was my WH's best friend. They went on a hike together and she leaned against a tree and said, "Aren't you going to kiss me Larry?" (fake name) He kissed her. I think they had sex shortly after the hike.

I think he was flattered while she pursued him. He would always tell me she called when she saw him driving. (His business required him to drive a lot) And he admitted she was cute. Stupid, stupid me.

sadinlex posted 2/13/2014 09:17 AM

This is essentially what happened to my WH so I posed this question to him (I emailed the link to him directly).

His response:

"That she wants him so he can have her if he wants to. Now he faces a life changing decision…"

My question back:

"is that what you though? She wants you?"

Him:

"I believe I did in my selfish and cocky mind."

Me:

"so of course you wanted her back and you had to jump on that"

Him:

"It did happen. I am ashamed of it because it is everything I thought I was not."


hopefulmother posted 2/13/2014 09:21 AM

IMO-when a woman mentions they have liked someone for a long time...they are looking for a relationship.

Just think of yourself saying that to your WH before you started dating and you were both single. You wanted a relationship. You were admitting your attraction hoping they felt the same way and hoping to pursue a dating relationship.

He is probably flattered and hoping to have sex (or at the very least a lot flirting) if he is married. Because, after all he already is in a relationship. Unless, he plans on having an emotional affair and wants to pursue a relationship.

cantgetup posted 2/13/2014 09:22 AM

Mine claimed that he had no idea What she wanted at first. Thought she was just being nice. Paying a compliment which he eagerly gobbled up. He did say shortly thereafter he was fully aware what she was doing. Gobble gobble.

mchercheur posted 2/13/2014 09:26 AM

Healinggirl, we must have the same OW.

In our sitch, OW sat next to WH every day at work. She flaunted around in low-cut, tight-fitting clothes,
& was, according to our daughter, constantly touching WH's arm & giggling in his ear.

[WH brought our 11 YO daughter to work with him about 2 mos before Dday ---after Dday, while WH & I were separated, daughter guessed what was going on & told me this. She came to me & said "Is Daddy out of the house because he has a girlfriend, & is her name 'OW's Name'?" ].

One day, OW got into WH's car, & stated : "I have such a crush on you. Why don't I be your mistress."

WH could have said no, but he went for it. We were at a low point in our M.

I am guessing that you are trying to figure out if your WH was pursuing OW, or she was pursuing him. I think that even in cases where the OW is predatory, they wouldn't make a move like that unless they thought they would be positively received by our WHs. Our WH's are of course going to tell us that OW made the first move, because they think it makes them look less guilty.
Does it matter? Betraying your life partner is betraying your life partner, no matter what the details are. Now we have to decide if we are willing to spend the rest of our lives with someone who we know is capable of betraying us.

sadinlex posted 2/13/2014 09:48 AM

continuation of convo above:

I wrote to WH:

"one lady responsded this way

I am guessing that you are trying to figure out if your WH was pursuing OW, or she was pursuing him. I think that even in cases where the OW is predatory, they wouldn't make a move like that unless they thought they would be positively received by our WHs. Our WH's are of course going to tell us that OW made the first move, because they think it makes them look less guilty.

Is this true?"

Him:

"it is true because I am equally guilty, or even more because of my position and life experience. I should never downplay my responsibility."


I have never and would never absolve him from his responsibility. IMO many A, both sides are pursuing the other, however the idea was sparked, they both played with relish. One "opens the door", they both begin to test the waters, seeing if the other will allow the door to open wider, then they both jump right in, playing their sick game, flirting, actively and aggressively pursuing each other.


Leaving us with this:


Does it matter? Betraying your life partner is betraying your life partner, no matter what the details are. Now we have to decide if we are willing to spend the rest of our lives with someone who we know is capable of betraying us.

I'm still working on figuring this out. What a question we have been forced to ask ourselves.


eta: BUT getting back to the point, to simply address the question posted above

"What would most men think she wanted?"

in many men's minds I believe the answer can be the prospect of sex

[This message edited by sadinlex at 11:19 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Healinggirl posted 2/13/2014 10:40 AM

Thank you, everyone for taking the time to reply. You really have helped me process this a bit more. Sometimes, though, it goes round and round in my mind and I wonder if I'm drawing the right conclusions.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter who came on to who. Betrayal is betrayal. I'm attempting to understand the events, so that I can put it in the filing cabinet of my mind and move forward.

I hope you don't mind me asking such basic stuff, but you've all helped me iron out the wrinkles in my thinking. Sadinlex, thankyou for going to the trouble of asking Mr Sadinlex. His response helped a lot.

Merlin posted 2/13/2014 11:00 AM

You act as though the man had no part in this.

He did. And not a small one either.

sadinlex posted 2/13/2014 11:18 AM

You act as though the man had no part in this.

Excuse me

but I don't see this anywhere in any the posts on this thread

Healinggirl posted 2/13/2014 11:55 AM

Merlin, of course he did. He takes full responsibility.

My query was to try to ascertain what each thought at that first meeting. Was he wrong to think she was offering sex or was it a schoolgirl confession of feelings?

He has never made excuses for his wrong actions and is totally remorseful.


Ostrich80 posted 2/13/2014 12:43 PM

This is kind of what happened with my ws. Ow was D and let him know she was attracted. IMO, she was putting it out there, that if he were interested, its a go. He knew she was willing and I'm sure it made him feel like a hot hunk of want, so he had to oblige.

Vulcanized posted 2/13/2014 13:19 PM

I'd be inclined to think she was telling him if he wanted sex, she'd not shoot him down.

When men do that to me, I think they're offering up some loving, shall we say, if I were so inclined ...

StillLivin posted 2/13/2014 13:43 PM

Hah. Mine said she was so sweet and virtuous. She is a devout Catholic.
No shit, he really said this to me.

Kelany posted 2/13/2014 13:52 PM

In our case the first two AP's blatantly pursued him. One stated she wanted to have sex with him, the second cornered him and started groping him.

Yes, some women do this.

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