"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Prayingforhope posted 2/13/2014 08:51 AM

Our monthly MC "check-in" session was today and it was painful on all fronts. My BS left in pieces, I left in pieces, and the slow grind of separation and pain continues.

I wasn't great in the meeting. I listened worse than I should, I defended too much, but in the end I'm not sure it mattered. The wounds are so fresh and so open and so bloody, the only value these sessions have is to confirm formally that we're not divorcing yet.

I want to help my BS at every step. I want to hold her and let her cry. I want to let her hit me, the way I deserve. I want us to talk talk talk about everything I'm doing in IC, with my priest, in my life to ensure I NEVER hurt her again.

But it is too soon. My words are still "lies" to her ears and her pain is off the chart. All she asks is that I respect her wishes and please PLEASE she says, have no contact with her for her own healing.

I write this because I need to get it out, but I have killed the woman I fell in love with. I killed my marriage in its entirety and I killed my family. The MC sessions remind me of that, which in and of itself is helpful as it motivates me to continue getting working on me.

We ended the session by her telling me her parents NEVER want to see me again. One more consequence of the horror my LTA has brought to my home.

I love my wife, the mother of my perfect children and pray one day we can talk and heal and plan how to move forward. But that day is not today and it won't be anytime soon. We discussed how to divide up the Spring Break holiday and in our next meeting we'll split up the Summer holidays.

What a fine mess I've made of life. Here's to another day praying for hope and sticking to my path of healing.

sinsof thefather posted 2/13/2014 09:23 AM

pfh, I'm glad that you came here to get that out. I feel for you, and believe in your remorse. I hope the work you are doing continues for your own sake and also hope that it gains you a chance for R further down the road - if your wife heals enough to offer you that gift (and it is a gift pfh - no amount of work means that you deserve a chance at R - but that said, I do hope you get it - because I don't think you would squander it). But there is one thing I do disagree with in your post;

I want to let her hit me, the way I deserve.

Physical violence won't do anyone any good. Not you, and not your wife. It will only make matters worse than they already are and you should remove that from your thoughts and your wish list.

flayed posted 2/13/2014 09:44 AM

If I may ask, what steps is your BW taking to try to heal herself? My husband and I may have missed that in one of your earlier posts. We are sending you support.

Prayingforhope posted 2/13/2014 09:57 AM

Hi flayed, I know she continues with her IC sessions but I have no idea how often or if they help her. I was so happy when she confirmed that today because I was scared she had stopped.

Personality-wise, she is the strongest woman in the world and has often talked about how she "just needs to get over the emotional hurdle of this and she will be stronger for it"... Those words scare me because her instinct will be to try and tough this out, which I think, like we both experienced today, is a form of rug-sweeping that can just blow up.

Time...we need so much more time...

Sammy2013 posted 2/13/2014 10:53 AM

I just want to say to you that I see and hear your remorse. Something I wish my WH would show to me. He and I see each other and I desperately miss him and am grasping for intimacy with him (last night he stayed after the kids were in bed and we cuddled on the couch). He is doing everything I ask, but it feels very robotic. I am in turn made to feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm not healing fast enough. Simply "yes, I did those horrible things, but I said I'm sorry. They are in the past, I can't change them, I'm not that person anymore. We need to just call it a day if you can't get over it." I feel like he doesn't feel the remorse I see in you. I truly hope your wife can see this some day.

Sending warm thoughts to you and wanted to let you know you are an inspiration. I wish my WH would come here and read your posts.

Prayingforhope posted 2/14/2014 11:34 AM

@sinsofthefather, I think it is really appropriate how you describe the gift of reconciliation, i.e. it really IS a gift.

When the going gets tough and impatience rears its ugly head in my own recovery process, I think somewhere deep down inside I believe I may be entitled to reconciliation.

Obviously, the truth is anything but that so it helps me to be reminded that we're nowhere until my wife decides she may want to offer me this gift....and what a gift it would be.

Thanks for that as it helped me through today.

Jrazz posted 2/14/2014 12:28 PM

We ended the session by her telling me her parents NEVER want to see me again. One more consequence of the horror my LTA has brought to my home.

While I wouldn't want to push you into having any expectations here, I just wanted to give you a little hope that this may change in time. The feelings are so strong in the beginning, but life has a way of carving out its own path. Keep up your hard work, and in time perhaps her family will have their own life experiences which will lend to forgiveness.

Prayingforhope posted 2/14/2014 14:18 PM

Thanks Jrazz, I appreciate even the tiniest bit of hope while being cautious about thinking this has a happy ending.

As you can imagine, I've been thinking a lot about yesterday and I'm coming to terms with my role at the moment.

My job is just to be here, available and honest, in case she changes her mind and wants to talk. I need to continue working on myself, stick to the commitments I made to her and see where she wants to take this thing.

She said yesterday that there are only two bad options on the table: D or R. My job is to make sure there is a man here who is worth R in case she ever decides to give it a look.

In a melancholy mood I can say that is the least I can do, since all my previous actions are the reason D is the other option she has available to her.

Ho hum, the weekend awaits and I get to see my kids! Yippee.

SlowUptake posted 2/14/2014 15:23 PM

I think somewhere deep down inside I believe I may be entitled to reconciliation.

Keep looking at this.

It is possible you are doing all the 'right' actions for the wrong reason and your BS senses this?

Are you striving to control the 'situation', so you will get the outcome you selfishly want?

BS's tend to 'just know' when we WS's 'get it'

A huge part of 'getting it' is letting go of the outcome and doing the work, regardless of whether you end up reconciled or divorced.

Prayingforhope posted 2/15/2014 18:12 PM

Thanks Slow and yes, I think at the 3.5 month mark that describes a lot of what I have been doing and why. I'm just beginning to see this now (every day at this early stage is a new epiphany!)...

I had a good session with my priest about this on Friday and what came out was really helpful. He asked me to turn over the outcome to God.

This helps a ton and together we actually did it, we agreed to no longer worry about the outcome and to just hand it over to God. It changes things in a very enlightening way because it will bring about a more normal tendency from me in my actions - and you're right, my BS can read me like a book.

This is all one monster learning process but letting go of the outcome is the next big step and knowing myself, it's going to be a tough one. Thanks for the input and support!