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15 yr Anniversary today

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roses303 posted 2/13/2014 10:00 AM

Sorry this is long and rambling but it feels cathartic to write it out. It's like a virtual journal.

15 years ago I stood next to my best friend and handed her my bouquet to hold as I turned to trade vows with my soon to be husband. She put her name to our certificate of marraige, witnessing in front of God and Country that Roses and Mr. Roses were spiritually and legally joined in Holy Matrimony.

7 years later she initiated an affair that lasted through 2 anniversaries. Last year she commented with sympathy on my Facebook post about how my Husband once again forgot our anniversary, laughing as she wrote because she was fucking him on a regular basis for a year and trying to convince him to leave me because he deserved to be happy and second marriages are always happier.

Last night was hard. We talked about the affair in depth for the first time in a while. He is remorseful and sorry but just doesn't get how his actions affect me. He's been more concerned about what to get me for the anniversary than how this day and his actions are affecting me. Last year at this time he was purposely withholding sex and affection to "see how long it took until i had had enough and approached him". Well for someone with low libido withholding sex doesn't make them horny but withholding affection makes them depressed. Vicious cycle.

The past 2 weeks he's been distant, busy with his own shit, not paying much attention, stressing over the anniversary and valentines day and making comments about how he is so stressed doesn't even think about sex anymore and could even get it up. 2 nights ago I actually propositioned him. If you have read any of my past posts, you can understand how hard that was for me. He turned me down and said he was too tired.

When I talked to him about this last night he said "I didn't realize I was doing that. I don't even remember what I was doing this time last year, just that I was mad at you. I'm so sorry and I love you."

It makes me so sad that he doesn't remember his actions in the past and he doesn't recognize when he is repeating them. I know he is trying. He is making changes. He is here and trying to be more present to me and the family. He is working on the marraige. But I don't think he is doing the work he needs on himself. He won't admit it but he is rugs weeping his actions out of shame and embarrassment and that worries me. How long before patterns repeat again.

That is probably enough rambling and babbling. Must finish getting through today. Praying he doesn't try any grand gestures because I don't know how to react. Feeling pretty flat today. Glad I'll be busy enough not to dwell, just hoping I can keep it together in front of the kids. Operation happy family commencing soon.

sad12008 posted 2/13/2014 10:28 AM

(((roses303)))

Wow, roses, I can see why you'd be upset. The fact of it being a "notable" (15 vs., say, 11) anniversary puts the spin on the ball; at least it would for me, because it'd feel like it should be extra special and obviously it ISN'T now thanks to the cheating. I just passed a 20th. Hard to blow party horns and toss confetti in a manner befitting 20 when it feels like the clock got reset back in '08.

I can imagine my FWH early in R in the scenario you described of preoccupation with what to get for the anniversary & Valentine's Day vs. staying connected with where you are emotionally with those occasions. Your situation in particular is super-charged in regard to anniversaries because of the variables of your story. I'm sorry.

One thing I applaud my FWH for is his willingness to hear me out (repeatedly), talk and talk about the infidelity whenever it was on my mind. It took some... okay, kind of a LOT of time, but he did learn, and developed an awareness of what might be triggery to me, without me having to point out the variables.

Sounds like your FWH needs that education. My best advice is keep talking!

[This message edited by sad12008 at 10:29 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Morhurt posted 2/13/2014 16:26 PM

Oh Rose, I'm so sorry, as if Anniversaries aren't hard enough as it is! We had our 15th this year also, 2 months after DDay.

I hope he can start communicating better, talking is what gets us through these hard times.

itstoomuch posted 2/13/2014 20:54 PM

It makes me so sad that he doesn't remember his actions in the past and he doesn't recognize when he is repeating them. I know he is trying. He is making changes. He is here and trying to be more present to me and the family. He is working on the marraige. But I don't think he is doing the work he needs on himself. He won't admit it but he is rugs weeping his actions out of shame and embarrassment and that worries me. How long before patterns repeat again.

I completely understand and know what you mean. Sigh ;(
Hard when we want more for our marriage. Hugs.

My anniversary, Christmas, New Years, and DD are within weeks of each other. :( very hard indeed.

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