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At end of my rope-need decision

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huskers posted 2/13/2014 10:56 AM

Only in a month. Kicked him out. Seemed like we were making headway on R. I found phone bill showing she's still in pic. She has sent me threatening texts, etc. Look at my old posts lol. I am the bad guy in this for the way I reacted. Changed locks, moved money, told his mom. Anger, hostility, mind games on me from him. I am not the bad guy. I have made mistakes, but I do not need to endure this drama every single day.
He wanted key to house last night. I said no. I said our kids and I need to feel safe and secure. I don't know if you would give the key to your whore or not. Of course he says he wouldn't. No way was I giving him that key. He said he would call a locksmith. I said if he calls a locksmith the only way I can protect myself is by filing for divorce. He said fine, he can tell my kids that I made that decision. Jeeze. So he comes back from having dinner with my son and wants the key. No was my answer. He argued and argued. My son was standing there. I prob did the wrong thing. I asked him if he felt safe with other people having the key. He said no. Later I got a text from husband saying he wouldn't pursue it but would get lots of things out of the house.
I thought I had a glimmer of hope in this relationship. Seems like the other woman is calling all the shots. How is this my life?

norabird posted 2/13/2014 11:16 AM

I'm sorry huskers. Sounds like he is setting himself up to be your enemy.

But you are strong. Stand firm. That glimmer of hope may be gone BUT it opens up a whole new world of possibilities for you once you can close this chapter.

veronique12 posted 2/13/2014 11:18 AM


huskers posted 2/13/2014 11:20 AM

You have all explained this to me before. I just don't know why I am bearing the brunt of the anger when he is the one having the affair.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/13/2014 11:27 AM

........because he is fucked-up in the head.

victory posted 2/13/2014 11:54 AM

Hugs Husker...

He's that way because he still doesn't own up to the fact that he really did something wrong and has no remorse for it.

For him, it's still all about him and not about the marriage or your family.

File for divorce. You can always drop it later, but it'll let him know you are serious and may be enough to shake him out of his fog. I hope that you've already spoken to a lawyer about your legal options/rights. If not, do so now.

Just know that it'll all get better with time. Lots of us (me included) do things in the course of separating/divorce that we regret. Just don't beat yourself up over it. Learn and be better next time.

Be strong.

norabird posted 2/13/2014 11:57 AM

He is angry because he knows he is behaving badly and can't face it, so YOU need to become the bad guy. JMO. He is angry because he is broken and doesn't know how to fix it except through unhealthy behavior is a bigger umbrella to understand it.

But we can never fully wrap our heads around the behavior. Why? Because it's illogical and crazy-making.

marionwendy posted 2/13/2014 11:59 AM


SisterMilkshake posted 2/13/2014 12:08 PM

You are getting the brunt of his anger because he is an immature, selfish douche and he isn't getting his way.

Imagine him as a four year old child. You told this child you aren't buying him candy at the store. He has a tantrum. "I want candy! I want candy! I wwwwaaaannnnnntttttttt caannnnnnndddyyyy nnnnooowwwwww!" Jumping up and down, yelling, being mean. Maybe you give in to the child so he calms down and stops making a scene. Maybe you stand firm. If you stand firm, the child most likely won't try that the next time you go to the store. If you give in, the child will do it again and again.

Every time your WH starts acting this way imagine him with a diaper on and a binky in his mouth.

eta: I agree you need to go see a lawyer at the very least. I would advise to file, too. As victory posted, you can stop the divorce if your WH takes his diaper off and pulls his head out of his ass.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:10 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

huskers posted 2/13/2014 13:39 PM

I'm a paralegal, which is a double edged sword in this. Its paralyzing for me to come to work and all I do is work on divorces. Never in a million years did I think I would be doing my own. I put together a legal separation to be served on him. But I have not filed yet. Every day is a rollercoaster and I will have to decide at what point to get off. Do I meet with him one last time and ask what his goal is in this whole thing?

SisterMilkshake posted 2/13/2014 13:43 PM

No, you don't meet with him and ask him what his goal is. Why are you letting him make decisions for your life? You can see he isn't very good at making wise decisions.

No, you file, you get him served, and then you will see what his goal is. If he wants you back, if he doesn't want a divorce, he will let you know. Not just with his words, but with his actions.

outtanowhere posted 2/13/2014 13:48 PM

Why? What more do you need to know right now? His behavior is telling you exactly what his goal is. Believe him! Getting those papers will be a hammer to the side of the head. Maybe just the jolt he needs to return to his sanity. When he does, that's the perfect opportunity to discuss YOUR goals.

victory posted 2/13/2014 13:55 PM

Huskers, I am a lawyer and did family law for 8+ years. I filed my own divorce 3 days post discovery. I lasted about 4 months representing myself before I couldn't take it anymore and eventually got a friend of mine to represent me. It's very different being on the client side of things for sure.

As you know, since you're in the field, filing is only a start and can be stopped anytime before a judge declares you divorced. It'll cost you a few hundred bucks to do it, but file your separation papers and let him know that you are strong and not afraid of life without his sorry ass.

If you really want him back, nothing attracts the opposite sex more than confidence. Well, almost nothing.

SadInNC posted 2/13/2014 14:25 PM

Sorry you are going through this. Go ahead and file and then the OW won't be calling the shots anymore. YOU WILL!! Hugs

doggiediva posted 2/13/2014 21:07 PM

It is so hard to pull the trigger even when you know that you must..
Envelope yourself in the loving support of friends and family..You will know when you are ready ..

huskers posted 2/14/2014 08:34 AM

I told him yesterday either cut the woman loose or I am filing. I have heard nothing back from him. He says he's tried in our marriage for a long time. I said no you did not try. You never informed me of anything going on or anything we could change. You didn't seek marriage counseling. Your "trying" in the marriage was having affairs and making yourself feel better.
I have the Complaint for Legal Separation in my hand and can file it at any time. I'm so sad.

[This message edited by huskers at 8:35 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

LifeIsBroken posted 2/14/2014 08:59 AM

Once again, actions speak louder than words. He has shown you his real self over and over. File the papers. He will either wake up or he won't. Either way, the ball is in your court. It is up to YOU to protect yourself and your children. He has shown he isn't going to do it so you must. It stinks, it's not what you had envisioned your life and M to be but there's not much you can do (you can't change his mind by putting up with his crap, that only fuels his fire) except protect YOU and your children. He IS like a toddler right now - he was having fun and you spoiled his game. He has his AP to fluff his feathers each time you do something 'mean' to him; she stokes the fire and you try to put it out. Only he can put it out right now and he's not going to do it until / if and when / reality hits him between the eyes and he wakes up.

I feel badly this is happening to you - that it has happened to any of us.

RealityStinks posted 2/14/2014 09:30 AM

You have all explained this to me before. I just don't know why I am bearing the brunt of the anger when he is the one having the affair.

My WW acted exactly as you described.

Your WH can't be nice to you and admit what he did and still live with his conscience. For him to live with himself, he has to paint you as the bad guy. It takes a MAN to admit when he's wrong and deal with the consequences, and you're not married to one.

Truthfully, I would respect my WW more than ever if she fessed up to what she's done (taking her back is another story at this point). It would take one heck of a backbone, but I don't think she's got it.

spond posted 2/14/2014 09:36 AM

I have the Complaint for Legal Separation in my hand and can file it at any time.

Time to get it out of your hands and into the system. Like others have said, you don't have to follow through with it. If his ACTIONS prove that he wants to save the M and becomes remorseful.

doggiediva posted 2/14/2014 09:37 AM

Marriage dead and gone, WH un remorseful..

Filing (and following thru) will give you an opportunity to grieve and heal, the marriage will have a proper burial...In other words you will have some closure..

Someday your WH may wake up or he won't..It will be up to you to decide to reconnect with him based on his remorse if you are still available..

Staying separated and divorced will lessen the likelihood of your WH being able to drag you down/ turn your life upside down...again..

Staying connected with him at THIS point in time is a sure way to kill your soul..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:46 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

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