This is one of the toughest parts for us as well....but it is more than just initiating sex...so this post might be too off topic to help you out. I think it ties in, but forgive me if it misses the mark.
We are currently focusing on sexual issues with a licensed sex therapist.
It is going to be tricky for us....some of the standard techniques to improving, "re-invigorating" married couples sex is to treat it as "new".
To do this, the process is like "dating" and like "teenage sex".
One MC suggested we act like we are dating again....keep things light, pleasant, and show interest in the other.
The sex therapist suggested we do things like we did when teenagers.....teasing texts, inuendo's, make out in a car, stopping just short of actual sex on occuasion to heighten the arousal states.
Both good, healthy things for a married couple to engage in....have zero issue with the theory and proven systems these are.
Our hurdle to overcome is that, due to adultery, this FEELS like "affair sex" all over again....for both my wife and I. What they did together was "dating" and "teenage sex" in almost all ways....with hardly anything BUT those interactions. I struggled hard with RA temptations because I wanted to just have a care free, energized, non-deep relationship to go and loose myself in.
So this is where I am at.....
Since I do NOT want to just simply "endure my marriage"....I must find the courage to feel my pain, to heal from it, and to free myself to "enjoy my marriage" once again. PART of this IS to make out in a car, playfully engage, stopping short sometimes....I totally want to have that as PART of my M....all the way through to the end.
My wife is at a similar spot too.
Neither of us want the sex we had pre-A....we want real sexual intimacy. Light and playful sometimes (immature), deep and soul connecting other times (mature). We want sex to be an extension of an overall "intimacy package".
So we are both going to have to commit to our M. Be radically honest, intentional in our actions.
Sounds kinda boring right? Sounds mechanical....lifeless? Maybe, but I don't think so.
I believe if we can find the courage to heal our hurts (I hurt my wife too) we will be able to feel safe around each other. As we do this we will need courage to express and expose ourselves to each other more fully than we ever have before. When we successfully do this, we will be vulnerable and more able to bond with and to each other....but in healthy, interdependent ways.....not unhealthy, co-dependent ways we both have done before.
This is mostly thoughts from my journey...most of which have come from intensive reading and IC sessions and prayer.
Or should I just resign myself to life being like this if our R is successful?
(((SoVeryTired5))) Please don't do this! You have already endured and felt too much pain to "settle". I offer this plead not from a wise foothold, but from a scared man. I have been tempted to do what you suggest as an option. I think it okay to "be there" for a bit....especially as you stumble....but think it a dreadful thought to "stay there".
"Fear is payment on debt you have not yet incurred....may never incurr."
Your energy is too limited to waste it like this. Your M is to precious for you to make this feeling become a fact via resignation.
Post often.....I wish I had more words of comfort...this is the best I can do. I believe this is good though.....I just wish I had more time putting this all to the test before you posted....wish I had matured this thought more fully.
I intend to nurture this. I enjoy our sex therapy session today. I believe what she speaks of to be true and healthy. I believe I can continue to heal from my pain, my wife can heal from hers, and we can enjoy our marriage, enjoy sexual intimacy...in ways we never have before.
I pray for courage multiple times a day.
I will say a specific prayer for you and Mr. SoVeryTired5 right now....this part of healing and R is a joint effort. It is much tougher than the solo journey stuff....but believe it will be more fullfilling then the solo journey has been.
And I have really enjoyed the growth that has come from my solo journey! So I beleive this next "healing and growing" step is well worth the risk.
NOTE: Enjoying does NOT always equal happy. I enjoyed fighting wild fires in the rockies....but I was not always happy doing so. KWIM?
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:44 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]