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hopefulmother posted 2/13/2014 12:12 PM

So, it is 16 months since real D-day. My fWH is everything he used to be and better. I have forgiven him and no longer hate the APs but pity them. Things are better than it was before the affair, sort of...

The big issue. I don't love him like I did before the affair. I still feel estranged. We have a better relationship communication wise and other stuff a normal husband and wife should have. I just don't feel the same way about him like I did. Some days, I don't even know if I would have married him with the amount of love I feel. It is like the passion I felt is gone. Like I am married to friend, the head over feeling love is gone.

Picking out a card to get him was so hard. They were way to mushy for how I felt. Going on about "love you forever, good husband, best friend, soul mate, you are my hero...blah...blah...blah. Feelings I had for him before the A, but not after. Last year I got a special through the hard times we will see it through type of card keep trying...I will not give up type. Not a Valentine one. I was looking for one that said, I really care...I do sort of love you....I am still trying.

I guess what it comes to is...I never envisioned living without him. Now, I am not sure if it would make a big difference emotionally if he did.

Why do I suddenly have trouble saying "I love you." back? What does that mean?

Can you heal and build a better marriage, but fall out of love at the end of it all?

SisterMilkshake posted 2/13/2014 12:26 PM

Your feelings are typical of the Year 2 Reconciliation hell/blues. Reality, the long term, day to day, reality is setting in.

I am so sorry. Many have gone through it here. It does get better (for most) if you both are committed to reconciliation and keep doing the work that is needed. (((hopefulmother)))

ambivalence26 posted 2/13/2014 12:33 PM

I know how you feel!

Since the affair, I don't love him the same way. His affair changed (us)forever. We got engaged on Valentines Day. This year I told him I don't want to acknowledge V-Day at all.

I wish they made Valentine cards for the men that cheated in your life. Like... thanks for giving up your married mistress, who pretended she was dying from a serious illness the entire time you were screwing her, in her own house. Feeling loved!

We are over 4 years in R and I'm not sure I will ever feel the love for him that I used to. It sucks!

RipsInMyChest posted 2/13/2014 13:49 PM

I have been feeling this exact same way lately and both of you have expressed my thoughts. Now I'm crying my eyes out.

two2muchpain posted 2/13/2014 14:19 PM

You can add me to the list. I'm about three and half years from Dday and I feel this way too.

We're in R and FWH is doing evertthing he can, treating me like a queen, in fact calls me his queen. I just don't feel "it" anymore, that spark that passion. The funny thing is that's what he said was missing in our marriage and lead to the A. No excuse and he knows it now, but now he's really made that a reality with what he did. It literally aches to see passionate love scenes on TV or movies now because that's what I want but I don't feel that way with him anymore.

I love him just not the same anymore. I'm stuck somewhere between, "I love you, I'm just not in love with you"., and that passionate love. I used to cherish that man. He's in law enforcement and I used to be so proud of him. Now, I just live day to day the best I can.

hopefulmother posted 2/13/2014 14:59 PM

two2muchpain: I so get that! I want that forever and ever love that crosses time. We believe we had that when we get married. We believe we are the one and only. It is so hard to stay married knowing that it isn't a fairytale love. It is hard to be passionate about them after they took our spark away.

SisterMilkshake: Thank you for the encouragement.

Ambivalence26: If they made that type of card, I am not sure I would give it to him. lol...don't want him to lose hope. But, it sure would be funny buying it.

Ripsinmychest: sorry you are feeling that upset. I try not to dwell too much to or I will be crying. I will pray for you to have strength and find the love that will make us all feel at peace.

LA44 posted 2/13/2014 16:02 PM

((hopefulmother)). I am right behind you time-wise. Little secret...I actually have never felt much passion for any man beyong the first year or so of togetherness. I know that sounds sad but its always been my way. The passion/excitement is there in the beginning and then it comes in waves and spurts after being w someone for so long.

Today, I have moments of pure joy being w him and other times I go, meh...whatever. Since D-day I am determined to be more of who I really am and that means a more involved, conscience wife and mom.

As for cards....I found one. It is:
Love bears all things/believes all things, endures all things (hell ya!). Love never ends.

RedRose posted 2/13/2014 17:25 PM

I feel the same way as well. WS describes our relationship now as a role reversal; during the A, I couldn't wait for him to get home while he didn't care to be home. Now, he can't wait to get home, and I am really ambivalent about him being here or not.

I wish that I could love him the same way that I used, but at this point I just can't. I am hopeful that continued honesty and trust will get me close to that point again someday. It is a shame that now we have improved our communication and respect for each other, but it may be too late emotionally.

LA44, the card you found sounds good! I did find a couple of cards last year, at Walmart of all places, that seemed to be written for BS to give to WS, talking about making poor choices but staying with them to try to make it work.

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