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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: Honeymoon stage real or fake.
Breezy150
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since my DDay 6 weeks ago my WH has done everything I have demanded. He has given me full disclosure. He has complied with NC. He has been understanding and supportive on my crazy days, but this is not like him. Looking back at our 24 year M he has always been selfish and never really supported me, I have gotten my support from friends and family.

So why do I still feel like it has been too easy, how can I tell if he is sincere or just saying and doing what I want. How do I know if I am being manipulated? How can I trust any of my feelings? I don't know what to do, he wants quick easy answers, and I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it even possible that he has seen the error of his ways and is truly changing or just trying to save a costly divorce?

I still feel crazy, but I do enjoy him being so here for me and seemingly so remorseful. He cries all the time and tells me over and over how sorry he is not only for the A, that was with my friend, but also for how he has treated me for years and just needs the chance to make it up to me.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience, real remorse is hard to fake. Justifications, blameshifting, irritation all pop through the facade. So it's a good sign if you aren't seeing that. Give it time and see if the remorse stays consistent. Is he in IC? Do you have access to his phone, email, etc?

And if the facade does break, if this is temporary or an act, at least you know you're leaving a M with someone who can't be a true partner. Selfish and unsupportive? It'll be a (relatively) easy 'next' if he backslides.

Hang in there.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Breezy150
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have access to everything, I even have his Facebook open on my phone so I get notifications. So I will be waiting and watching but might relax just a little bit.

The only backsliding so far is slipping back twice to his old jealous ways. I stop him real quick which I never did before. He said about the jealousy issue that he struggles with it because he never thought he would get so down on himself that he had an affair, so now he is scared that I will do it for spite, or that he has destroyed my self esteem so bad that I could do it. So he said he was a jerk when he really never had a reason to worry, but will try very hard to keep things in check now that the possibility haunts him. To me that sounds like a guilty conscience and he should have one.

Neither of us are in counseling yet, no insurance, slows time at work, but he agrees that if I decide we need it we will find a way. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on and having very intimate raw discussions with him about what I learn, we have never communicated and connected the way we do now. I still feel like I can't trust it though, I guess time will tell.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The jealousy thing sounds a lot like what my WH does, he will even apologize and say he knows his thoughts are unwarranted. I now know this is a form of projection and I wonder when it will end. It does stem from guilt and from thinking if they are capable of those things then so are you. I don't know if it's a sign of true remorse honestly. In my mind it's selfish thinking and perhaps a way to shift the focus off of them. I also often wonder if its not a sign they are still involved in an A. I don't know. I'm interested in the replies you get because this is a major concern of mine as well.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
CATransplant
♀ 39567
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will all come out one way or the other. I am sure your path is pretty straight. One thought you might consider; Your actions have changed somewhat so maybe his have also in response to yours. Sometimes when we view things a bit differently, we act differently. This brings change. Soooo. Maybe the change in him is because there has been a change in you. This I am sure is something you should talk about with your spouse.

Keep safe


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Breezy150
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very valid points thank you, I have changed a lot since DDay, I have always been the wife that supported him no matter what, I really lost my identity in him and my children. Not any more, now I speak up, I have opinions, I get mad, I show emotion.

Projection, I never really thought of it that way but that is exactly what it is. Good topic to bring up with him in one of our conversations. You guys have given me a lot of things to talk to him about, thank you so much.

I don't know how long the projected jealousy will last, but I will not put up with it. In a way it is me being punished for his decisions and I will not allow that. When he slips that is exactly what I tell him.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Breezy)))

That's what I've been doing as well now. I point out he's thinking that way because of his behavior not mine. Before I would reassure him and even do stuff like take pictures to prove I was stuck in traffic. Now I cut it off and get irritated. He's doing it less and less but still has thoughts. Very frustrating because like you said is punishment for what he's done.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Breezy150
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, that makes me feel better, I am really new to all this but I wonder if we should start a thread just on projected jealousy. I know what I am doing feels right but maybe someone that has already come out the other side will have more advice.
I tend to get very angry about it, to him I just show clear boundaries, but when I am alone I get very angry at the thought of having to put up with it anymore when he is the cheater.

[This message edited by Breezy150 at 2:07 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would be interesting to hear from anyone who has moved past it. I know not all waywards do it but there are quite a few that have. I definitely understand the anger. I think that and the gaslighting (denying anything was going on which led me to feel crazy) has been more damaging than the actual cheating. It really eats at you.

ETA: I can make a thread in reconciling if you like.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 2:42 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Breezy150
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great idea, please do. Mine only gaslighted while it was an EA, both me and her husband were throwing fits and they both tried to make us believe we were crazy. It was only a PA for a few weeks before my WH confessed first to her Husband then to me.
I will look for that in Reconciling, look forward to any advice.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 10

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