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I'm fake R-ing for the kids.

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libertyrocks posted 2/13/2014 12:25 PM

Yes, you read that right. I'm staying with my FWH because we have kids. If we didn't have any, I'd be gone the first day I found out about his so-called EA. pffff. If you read my tag, it's now up to 10 OW, 1LTA of year, his girlfriend, during 3 years. THAT I KNOW OF...

Tell me how wrong and bad this is for my kids future. I need support right about now. I do forgive fWH, but that doesn't mean I want to grow old with him.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/13/2014 12:30 PM

I think it sucks. For you, for your WH and your children. That is just my opinion. I wouldn't want to live an inauthentic life. That isn't a good example for children. But mostly, I am not willing to give up my one life to live a lie. It is as bad as what WS's do, imo.

(((libertyrocks)))

Ostrich80 posted 2/13/2014 12:35 PM

I've been doing this for a lot of years. I wish I had ended it when it first started. Your still young. I feel like I've had my years stolen from me. I hope you don't wake up one day and feel the same way I do. You will never be able to get that time back..I regret it. I do understand why, but I'm afraid you will wish you hadn't.

libertyrocks posted 2/13/2014 12:38 PM

Yes, I agree, sister. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so upset, depressed, stressed, distressed, (I've gone down 3 sizes in clothes, I'm 95 pounds) I have so many financial responsibilities, but in the end, I need and want to do what's best for my children. I thought keeping the family intact and sacrificing my happiness was the answer, but now I'm not so sure anymore.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:39 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

strongerdaybyday posted 2/13/2014 12:41 PM

I understand. Man do I ever understand. But I think kids see thru that stuff. I was trying to R until I just couldn't live the lie anymore. My daughter was so angry that I forgave him (and it's her DAD) she said "Mom, you deserve better" and you know what? She's right. I don't want her to end up accepting this type of shit because that's what Mommy did. Made excuses for bad behaviour. Also, Liberty, I don't want you to wake up in your later years and regret not giving yourself the chance to be truly happy. Fake R made me more and more miserable (and I only did it for a few months)

((libertyrocks))

SisterMilkshake posted 2/13/2014 12:47 PM

T/J (((Ostrich))) I am so sorry. You know I care a great deal about you. And you know I have been telling you for years to get out of your sitch. (I know, easier said then done. ) end T/J

norabird posted 2/13/2014 12:48 PM

Libertyrocks...sacrificing your happiness is never the answer. Really.

Your kids will be fine if you and your fWH D. Know those two things. You are afraid of change, which is normal, but you can't let it paralyze you.


(((hugs)))

homewrecked2011 posted 2/13/2014 12:55 PM

Get a plan together while you are still there,,, and $$ back. Your tag line says he is an alcoholic, go to alanon or go online and get the phone number for their phone meetings --- there are 4 a day I believe. Believe it or not, in alanon, they suggest working the program for 6 months (if you are not in a violent situation) then deciding whether or not to leave - so they have similar thoughts as you. It's meant to give you time to get your thoughts together. In fact, they also say that it's not uncommon for an alcholic to get help if the person closest to them goes to alanon. This still doesn't mean you have to stay with XWH, but it will give you a support group when you leave. My first husband got sober, but I left him because he changed so drastically and didn't want to do anything for fear he'd drink.

There is also counseling --- basically free at the domestic violence center---because emotional abuse IS domestic violence. It also gives another set of eyes to the whole situation -- that quote comes from my friend who was trying to get away from her cheating cop husband.....

One day at a time. Please put $$ money back and get a plan, because with our WS sometimes THEY hit US with divorce papers.

((((liberty)))

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:05 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 2/13/2014 13:10 PM

(((Lib))))

Tell me how wrong and bad this is for my kids future. I need support right about now. I do forgive fWH, but that doesn't mean I want to grow old with him.

1. It's wrong because you are being abused. Yes abused.
2. It's wrong because you are teaching your kids that this level of dysfunction is "normal".
3. It's wrong because you are teaching your kids that they don't have to respect women, or their partner, that life is full of this.
4. It's wrong because you are in pain everyday of your life, and conflicted with your choice. YOU know deep down that "for the kids" translates to "I am scared shitless about change, and ending up alone and destitute."

Life is short, and can be ripped away from us at any moment. Life is hard, and we are challenged along the way, but NO WHERE was it intended for you to suffer and be miserable because that's good for the kids. It's not good for the kids.

What's good for the kids is showing them that addiction is a horrific thing, that at the end of the only the addict can save himself from. That they have one parent that is strong, and they can depend on who will stand up and not tolerate anything other than being treated with the love, respect, honestly, and honor that you deserve.

What happens when you stayed for the kids and they grow up to be cheater, addicts, and codependent partners that tolerate abuse, because mom did it, because dad did it?????

You have the power to change it all. All you have to do is take the first step, then the second, and before you know it you've walked a block, a mile, a hundred miles away from the pain, sadness, and unhealthiness.

((((and strength)))

libertyrocks posted 2/13/2014 13:18 PM

You're so awesome, tushnurse. I'm holding back my tears at work right now because my 2 little boys have no idea just what a bad ass I really am. I can and will make the best decision for them!

Yes, I'm scared, but my daddy raised me to be tough and that's who I what I want to be! Your words will always follow me. I want to lead by example of what love and happiness should be. I am miserable and in pain EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Again, thank you so much everyone. Today will mark a pivotal day in my life. Wish me luck, as I will need all I can get.

tushnurse posted 2/13/2014 13:29 PM

Lib - I can honestly say that I was raised to be strong and independent, hell My mom raised us to NEVER depend on a man for anything. I know how to change a tire, and oil, and basic "manly" things, like running a chainsaw, weed eater, and cleaning gutters. But I can tell you after Dday I was broken, I was a pitiful glob of goo. My backbone deserted me or had been smashed to smithereens.

After attempting to R, and continually being in pain, seeing him disrespect me, and be mean to me and the kids, I realized I was being a doormat, and when I said no more, I meant it. I will not tolerate disrespect in my life ever again.

You too can do this, You will be amazed at how awesome you will feel when HE isn't your problem anymore, and you can parent the right way, and be happy and proud of who you are.

Bikingguy posted 2/13/2014 14:29 PM

What tushnurse said.

If you are not close to WS, holding hands, doing for each other, etc then (2x4 here) you are not teaching your kids what a healthly relationship should be. They may expect less because you did.

I stopped opening the car door, holding hands, kissing when I got home. All that stopped years ago and we realized we were not teaching our kids how they should act and expect to act when they date. Those are some of the areas we both agreed we wanted to work on.

libertyrocks posted 2/13/2014 16:44 PM

Hey, bikingguy, we;re actually really nice to each other. Sometimes, we argue, but we do a lot of nice things for each other. Him moreso because of what he's done, and I'm just a sweetheart!! LOL. No, really I am. I have a heart of gold. I've really tried for over a year, but it's not right. It's not right for him to treat me so poorly in the past and still recieve the gift of "me." He's been almost great the past year with no acts of infidelity. But, the memories of ALL those OW haunt me daily.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:49 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

SeanFLA posted 2/13/2014 19:39 PM

YOU know deep down that "for the kids" translates to "I am scared shitless about change, and ending up alone and destitute."

100% agreed. It never really has anything to do with the kids. Might as well add..."I can't handle a reduction in my standard of living either" to that list.

libertyrocks posted 2/14/2014 11:21 AM

I'm done. I bit the bullet. I'm now on my own without him. Thank you everyone. I listened to all of you, my heart and did what's best for my boys and myself.

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/14/2014 11:24 AM

I need and want to do what's best for my children. I thought keeping the family intact and sacrificing my happiness was the answer, but now I'm not so sure anymore

Not the answer for happy, well adjusted kids


I'm done. I bit the bullet. I'm now on my own without him. Thank you everyone. I listened to all of you, my heart and did what's best for my boys and myself.

The right course of action in the longer term

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