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MadeOfScars posted 2/13/2014 12:44 PM

Since getting the news that my WW does not want to attempt reconciliation and instead wants to divorce, I've started down that path. Lawyer is hired, petition is to be filed by tomorrow. My STBXW has at least been very cooperative thus far. We are not talking directly, rather my sister is serving as middle-man. The few things we've needed to discuss have remained calm, businesslike discussions. It seems she really just cannot be separated from me and the life we once had fast enough, but if that keeps this already excruciating process from being made worse by fighting, then so be it.

Anyway, here's whats messing with me. I am not about to say I'm over the pain or anything like that. It is still very much there. That said, aside from a few brief breakdowns, it hasn't been that unbearable. I'm starting to eat again. I'm starting to exercise again. My sense of humor is coming back. I am starting to look forward to things again. I'd imagine its all still shock in some ways. I'd imagine its also that I've been taking this situation head-on as opposed to trying to avoid it. By that, I mean constantly posting here, talking to friends and family, journaling in general, that sort of thing.

My whole life came unraveled on 1/20/2014. 23 days, that's it, and I feel like I'm gaining some control back. I know I have some work to do. For example, I went and played pool after work with a co-worker yesterday and we had a few beers in the process. I've known this guy a long time, he's met my wife, etc. so he knows whats been going on enough to talk about things with him. He asked me what my hobbies are, and I didn't really have anything. WW and I did damn near everything together. It was both sad and inspiring. It's my life to do what I want, but I don't know what to do. Nothing jumps out at me like "this - I must do this new thing!" I am hopeful it will come, and a little worried it won't.

The STBXW and I used to love going to pool halls together. We'd been in the exact same one I was in yesterday many times. That was a bit hard, but I kept it together and generally had a good time. I am sorry if this seems just like a random thoughts post, but I am getting to a point here, I promise.

What is going on with me? Why am I not the complete and total wreck I was just a week ago? Is something wrong with me? I see posts here all the time talking about 6 months, a year, etc., before people felt remotely like themselves again. I don't think I'm just stronger than everyone by any means. I don't doubt for a moment that I loved, and still do love, my STBXW very, very deeply and miss her terribly. I still have the picture shows of much happier times running in my head. I still have times where I get very angry, or break down from sadness. It's just like I'm getting used to it, and it seems to be too fast. Anyone here know what I'm talking about? Should I feel guilty or what?

Nature_Girl posted 2/13/2014 12:51 PM

I think you were far more miserable, repressed and shut down than you realized. Now that the marriage is ending your mind & soul are realizing that you have another chance at life. Yes, it's going to be a long, hard road. However, there are positives in this situation, you're starting to realize them.

Brandon808 posted 2/13/2014 13:19 PM

You sound very much like I did after my xwgf ended our relationship. Quite honestly I was very unhappy with the way I was being treated. Despite that I loved her very much. So much that without her even really trying to she could make me forget what I was upset about in like two seconds flat. It actually was kind of frustrating at times. Ultimately I knew a change was needed. She made the move first. It was like she flipped a switch and that was it. No feelings, no connection to me any longer. Not a backwards glance or moment of hesitation. She was done with me. I detached though mostly for my own pride but in reality it was the 180 before I knew what the 180 was. It didn't cure me but it helped me reclaim life more quickly and preserve more of my self-esteem, dignity and self-respect that I likely would have had if I hadn't detached. However, that doesn't mean you're less hurt or more healed. Part of it is likely shock. Another part of it is likely acceptance. You know she is done and not rejecting that often delays people in taking back their lives. Accepting this is her choice is not the same as understanding it. Don't go down that rabbit hole. There is no good answer, not one that will help when the decision is to end it.

norabird posted 2/13/2014 13:45 PM

I understand your confusion over your feeling so relatively normal, but I don't think you should be alarmed. Pain, sadness, mourning, grief will all likely come back to varying degrees as you go forward, but by minimizing contact you're protecting yourself from new hurts, which is really freeing. You have a clear path now and having that distraction of figuring out how to shape your new life is not something to feel guilty about.

MadeOfScars posted 2/13/2014 14:09 PM

Thanks as always, a lot of good points here.

I think you were far more miserable, repressed and shut down than you realized. Now that the marriage is ending your mind & soul are realizing that you have another chance at life.

The days after she left and then a few weeks later, the days after she told me she wanted to D were literally soul-crushing days. I spent them quite drunk and barely moved for anything at all. It was complete devastation, but I guess when you hit rock-bottom, all you can do is look up.

Accepting this is her choice is not the same as understanding it. Don't go down that rabbit hole. There is no good answer, not one that will help when the decision is to end it.

I think I go back-and-forth between acceptance and needing to know why. Like you said, its her decision and there's nothing I can or should do to try and change it. I do wish I understood, but at the same time, I don't know what it would make any difference to have all the answers. Knowing our story, I do have my theories, but unless she's willing to face those demons, she will never be the woman I loved. So, ultimately, I didn't lose her on 1/20/2014. I lost the impostor who took her place.

They say the WS has the advantage in almost every way. He or she knows whats they were doing before the betrayed does. They are already prepping for the end, or maybe have fully prepped before the betrayed knows anything about the bombshell headed their way. In some regards however, a small part of me know something was coming. A small part of me knew our time was limited. So, maybe in some small way, kind of like you said, its a relief that its happened.

You have a clear path now and having that distraction of figuring out how to shape your new life is not something to feel guilty about.

Thanks, I think I just needed some sort of affirmation from an objective 3rd party. I know I'm not out of the woods by any means, but it was almost giving me anxiety that I was not experiencing that much anxiety if that makes any sense.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 3:11 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

IrishLass518 posted 2/13/2014 14:12 PM

Quite honestly, I believe that you are learning to cope. Some days, some places, some things are just easier than others. There were things that I dreaded, mile markers that loomed and I flew by them easily. Now I don't even notice them. Everyone is different and don't read too much into comparisons with others. It's all okay and it's all on your timeline.

GreatRoleModel posted 2/13/2014 14:33 PM

It will still be a roller coaster but being able to go NC and no false R are two of the biggest assets in your favor for moving forward positively. I think also when kids are not involved it helps with moving forward but I could be wrong bc I feel my biggest hurdle with WS is the kid issue and having to have some sort of contact and cleaning up his messes with the kids. I think it is great that you are on the path to healing, good luck as you move forward.

BAB61 posted 2/13/2014 17:19 PM

I think we all heal at our own pace. I've been separated from STBX since 7 Dec '13 .. and I already feel mostly back to normal. I belong to a D support group and there are a couple people there who have been D'd for 2 years .. and they are still emotionally wrecked. I asked my IC if I was going to be like that guy in the cartoons driving down the road. Hits a bump and the doors fly off, hits another bump and the trunk lid is gone, another bump the hood flies off, then the roof and the guy is left holding the wheel, sitting in his bucket seat with just the tires and chassis ... she said "no", you're stronger than that! lol

Anyway, it sounds like you are moving forward. Just keep in mind that you may have times that you regress (I'm not looking forward to those myself!) and you'll be ok .. really, you will be ok!

million pieces posted 2/13/2014 18:12 PM

I got over my ex way quicker than most for a few reasons.

1) when he started his affairs 9 month prior, he started being an ass. A complete ass. And things were strained even before then, not because of us, but because of him shutting down his consulting business. I remember xmas of 2009 (about 1.5 months before dday), crying in the basement by myself, wrapping presents thinking how can I last until my kids are in college. Seriously, if you had asked me the day before dday if I loved him, I would have said I don't know.

2) after dday, he was out of the house in 2 weeks. False R only lasted 2 days. And then 2 weeks later he left on a business trip and never slept at the house again.

3) NC. After the second month, I only had 1 brief conversation in the past 4 years with him. That is it. And 99% of our communication about the kids is done via email.

4) IC, I had therapy off and on for the first 3 years. Grounds me.

justjim posted 2/13/2014 18:20 PM


Recovering quickly is quite a blessing. I too, am recovering a lot faster than I thought possible. In my case, finding out the truth sped up the process.

I am ready to move on with my life. Sounds like you are, too.

It's a great feeling, compared to such a short time ago!

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