I agree that you need to find a new MC... she is encouraging your husband to rugsweep. maybe she needs to read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"...
If our needs aren't met, how is it marriage counseling? Isn't that more of how to make the WS feel less guilt?
I actually told a counselor off (IC), got up and left. Last visit. I was tired of being asked "OK, but what is going well". It had been 4 months. NOTHING was going well.
Don't they have continuing education requirements??
It's almost like they wish they could put us on the highest dose of prozac possible so that we just ride the wave to the end without questioning anything.
This is exactly what my first IC wanted to do. Said she was tired of listening to me complain about my ex, and if I wasn't going to take my meds, then she wouldn't see me anymore... that was my last session with her.
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 3:34 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]
With whom did you have an affair?
When and where did you meet them?
Who pursued who in the relationship?
Who else knows of the A?
How much money did you spend on her/him? What did they spend on you?
Where did you take her?
When did the relationship become sexual?
How many times did you have sex?
Where did you have sex?
Did you have sexual contact in our home? In our bed?
Has the relationship been severed?
Who broke it off?
How do you feel about her now?
Has there been other affairs, emotional or sexual?
Did you use protection? Have you been tested for std's?
We used this as a starting point and I had many more specific questions.
[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 3:36 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
I Googled "couples counseling" and my town, and that's how I found mine. I went to the website and read the bios of their counselors, and picked the one whose experience I thought matched what we needed. She has an extensive background, and has supported me all along.
NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is a must-read for her.
How does letting the WS continue to lie (by omission) help a couple recover? How does treating the BS as too weak to stand the truth help the BS heal? How does stuffing the trauma help the BS heal?
I fear this MC is really the one who isn't strong enough.
As far as further trauma... sigh... I think when questions aren't asked, then the BS's mind will more than likely come up with the worst case scenario. THAT to me was more traumatizing than any truth was.
Granted, if the questions you are asking are like "what was the barometric pressure on the day you met OP?", then yes, you're probably not gaining anything...
How can you move forward when you don't know what your moving forward from? How can you forgive (if that's a goal) if you don't know what you're forgiving?
As far as "re-victimizing" yourself. Do you think you are by asking questions? IMO, victims don't ask questions...people who want to understand what they're up against and learn everything about their experience and heal from it are strong...survivors.
She (i.e. Peggy Vaughn) hypothesized: A couple is more likely to stay married after an affair when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation.
55% of those who discussed the situation very little were still married (living together)
78% of those who discussed the situation a good bit were still married (and living together)
86% of those who discussed the situation a lot were still married (and living together)
And so on....
If you go to dearpeggy.com, you can find a free download of Help for Therapists (and their clients).
He got a shocked look on his face. He said NO! There was no holding; it was awkward. I got right up, got dressed and was out of there. There was no kiss. I was so anxious. You have such a romantic scene set up in your head. I swear, it was nothing like how you have it in your head." I responded by letting him know that this is PRECISELY why I need to ask and he needs to answer. He says he fully gets that now and that he sees that when he answers the my questions, the times between one set of questions to the next set of questions has continued to stretch out and he thinks we are making progress when he doesn't resist. So…. I think we are making progress! And I agree; we ARE survivors; thank you for that perspective!
sisoon; I suppose that this research proves exactly what we seem to all know instinctively, so why do some really well meaning people have such a hard time listening to us?!
Some people don't heal by hearing all the details. Some people end up torturing themselves by asking for details. I agree that everything I found out made me feel better as it cleared up a lot of questions but there were some things I never asked about. Something's I know I couldn't handle if I knew.
He had an A. He gave her attention and shared emotions with her and sex. Ok, do I really need to know any more than that. For me - no.
And if you think that knowing about the details will help in case there's another betrayal, you're wrong. Knowledge won't stop a what happened or could happen. Knowledge can only help u heal.
M 27 yrs
2 adult kids
Dday 2/12/10 and 1/13/14
R once again