Topic: My WH talked about the OW in casual conversation.
Member # 41886
| Posted: 2:29 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Has this happened to anyone else? My WH had a 10 month EA/PA with a co-worker. Every once in a while he would bring her up in conversation. He would say things like she is into cars like me or she thinks this is funny too. I also noticed early on that he was getting text messages from her and he would says she is asking questions about work. I remember telling him early on that I didn't like that she sent him texts and he would just brush it off. He mentioned her often enough for me to be suspicious and say things like, maybe you should run off with her when we would get into heated arguments.
Then after I found out about the A, he said "I never thought you would find out." I guess my question is, did he want me to get suspicious or was he just too far gone into his fantasy world?
I didn't really think there was a PA because he never was really home late from work or away on weekends. Turns out they were having sex in her car during their lunch break. Nice & classy!
Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 41717
| Posted: 3:18 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
This is so nuts but your story is exactly like mine. I'll be interested to read what others have to say.
WGF (not an OW)
BW (he admitted to only an EA for months with a COW)
No kidsTogether 10 yrs, Married for 3
Posts: 615 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Member # 41038
| Posted: 3:23 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Sadly, this is common. My H did it too. He would tell stories laughing about what he'd 'heard' about his ex. Then he'd leave and go call her. I don't know if it's balls of steel (filled with stupid), boldness at thinking they're so clever, or just pure piggishness. Regardless, it still turns my stomach.
DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband
Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 41156
| Posted: 3:54 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
OMG...mine too. OW worked for us. But once I knew there was an EA, there was no question who she was. Just took me a long time to gather the proof. He talked about her all the time. He was like a lurve-sick puppy. I think his head was so far up his a** he didn't realize how much he was talking about her. Just sorry it took me so long to figure it out.
Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread....
Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 27544
| Posted: 4:03 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
This happened to me too.
She was a co-worker at his new part-time job. When he talkes about the job, OW was the only person he would talk about specifically.
I actually called him out on it and he said she was the only person at work he had anything in common with.
Me: BGF - 35
And suddenly I see, what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"
Posts: 3107 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 32554
| Posted: 4:13 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Oh yes. All of the women that I suspect, he would talk about them. A few I met (they worked at various places in the neighborhood). One of them I publicly told to back off on Facebook (she'd written something entirely inappropriate on his wall) - she was a big time EA. The OW who he went PA with he used to talk about a lot because she was an old girlfriend.
Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 40032
| Posted: 4:56 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
There's really no way to bring OW up in casual conversation.
My fWH says he only thinks about her when I bring her up. We both call her psycho bitch and share the same viewpoint about her.
He had a very negative experience which was a good lesson. The universe definitely put him thru the wringer for cheating and he couldn't rid of OW easily due to her threats. OW was a bunny boiler stalker nasty type so nothing would be relevant to bring up in casual conersation...
M over 30 yrs-in R with fWH who cheated at 29 years of M
Mult MOW-CL,AM for NSA sex
Multiple DDs 2013-16 due to TT and lying during R (not more phys cheating after 2013 DD1)
Passed polyg test
Being stalked sev yrs BPD/NPD CL slut
Posts: 1154 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 42093
| Posted: 5:01 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
I had the opposite experience. I honed in on her as a threat because he NEVER talked about her even though they were "friends". I think it depends on the wanderers mentality. He doesn't have any girl "friends" just acquaintances, he has a few guy friends, but talks about them often in casual conversation. When she became a "friend", I wasn't all psycho GF on him, I don't care if he has girl "friends", what set this one apart, is the fact that he never talked about her and she never made an effort to get to know me, until she'd been screwing him for almost a year and the relationship was ending. Yet the whole time the group would go out and suprise I was never invited, not even the first few times before it got psyical, If I had been invited, would it have stopped anything? Probably not. What it has taught him is that women are not to be trusted. I think it's kind of sad actually, because I still don't have a problem with him having girl "friends" I just want them to be actual friends and not money grubbing man stealing hos. And if they want to met you as well, most likely they are not after your man, unless they have balls the size of Texas.
Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 28156
| Posted: 5:01 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
My H did this once, and I believed it maybe the first A. He discusses work with me often, but this particular project, he only and always talked about his secretary...First he said she was divorced with a kid, then when I confronted him for talking about her so much, he said she was married....Then they all drank at dinner together in a group every night, and went to a concert once. Now he denies the concert....Blah Blah Blah....I confronted him several times about an A. He was across the country. Since then he has never mentioned a woman. Even when a female was hired in his office. This happens maybe once every 10 years. He never mentioned her... And She was also OW...
I believe they are so excited and happy they are bubbly with joy and cant help but share... Hurts.
a trigger yesterday
Posts: 2101 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Member # 21773
| Posted: 5:33 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Yup. His work complaint stories suddenly included her work gripes or he would throw her name in here and there. Enough that I asked if I had something to worry about. But like the other poster I didn't really believe anything was going on because he was always home. Work lunch sex is apparently the way to go.
Me: 41 BS/WW/BS
2 kids 9 & 11, 3 steps 20, 8 and 3
BS 1st DDay 10/14/08, 5 mo. PA w/ MOW
WW 2nd D-Day 3/22/10, my exit A with HS BF
Married H #2 10/8/11
BS latest Dday 12/28/13 - PA w/ single COW
Posts: 2207 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 41886
| Posted: 5:35 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Cancuncrushed I think you are right. I think he was so enamored of her attention that it was hard to contain his thoughts. Sickening! Devastating because as it turns out she isn't that attractive, interesting or exciting. Our MC said it is rarely the case that the OW exceeds the wife in any department.
Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 30024
| Posted: 5:45 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Never. Didn't even know it existed. FWH introduced me to many of his co-workers, male and female, whenever I visited. He did talk about these co-workers. Never, ever did he mention OW to me, let alone introduce me. 'Cause he knows me. He knows I have slutdar. I can pick them out a mile away.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Posts: 12162 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 34616
| Posted: 5:50 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Mine also talked about OW but it was before the A got physical. They pretty much were on the slippery slope for a long time. Then it turned into an EA and shortly after that a PA. I started getting really strong gut feelings when all talk of OW was gone and he started acting strange.
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012
~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 39682
| Posted: 5:52 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
OW was a work friend. I knew they texted occasionally but he didn't bring her up often. He did ask if we could do her a favor to help her "photography business". She took pics of our newborn in the hospital and then a few weeks later at home. I should have been suspicious when I saw that there weren't very many of me and so many more of WH with DS (they weren't that great and I regretted it after). She also took our family pictures when DS was six months but those came out much better.
I started getting uncomfortable around September when I realized how much they were texting. I got really uncomfortable in January after they hung out at her house a couple of times and told him that I didn't like it. He did stop seeing her outside of work but then in March they also had trysts on their lunch break, ugh.
[This message edited by AML04 at 5:53 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]
Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R
Posts: 876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Member # 24719
| Posted: 5:57 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
That's actually how dday1 began. He slipped an mentioned something about playing with her ipod... And supposedly, she wasn't supposed to be in town... That lie was exposed, so i snooped and found out more... So. Much. More.
Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen
Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 36519
| Posted: 6:53 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
My WH talked openly about his AP. "Went to dinner with AP. You'd love the place we went to." (They worked together and traveled for work -- pretty common for him to have dinner with whomever he was traveling with.) "AP's boyfriend thinks this is a great wine." (He was a wine dealer.) But not more so than other friends from work. What he told me of their relationship was indistinguishable from other work friends. Looking back, it's quite astonishing how he was able to talk about her with me. It's one of the many things I still don't get.
BS (me): 51
Married: 27 yrs
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R
Posts: 1064 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 33867
| Posted: 7:06 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Turns out they were having sex in her car during their lunch break. Nice & classy!
^^^Same thing with my WH.
ME: 55 BS
HIM: 63 WH
Married: 30 years
in R 5+ years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 2369 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 39906
| Posted: 11:46 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
My husband NEVER talked about the OW. I knew she existed but she wasn't on my radar. When he was thinking of promoting her to GM, he asked me what I thought and I said if she was the best one for the position, he should promote her. Didn't hear her name again until I caught them. He listed her under the name security on his cell phone. I knew security was always texting his phone but silly me...I actually believed it was security. Looking back, the fact that she was his GM and he never mentioned her should have been a red flag but it wasn't because I trusted him.
Posts: 1707 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 38814
| Posted: 11:49 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
WW will do anything -- even negative things -- to avoid any mention of the A or of OM.
Mentioning OW in casual conversation suggests there's still a bond there. It makes you WH seem pathetic, in my opinion. It hurts you and your marriage. That's not right.
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.
Posts: 512 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 41181
| Posted: 11:54 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014|
Heyla, both OW that I recently found out about must have HUGE freaking Texas Size Balls ... because both were friends of the family, knew me, had been either to my house or we were at her mother's ... smh .... so having him talk about them was an occasional thing.
Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
|Topic Posts: 33|