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Quick thought on the term, “deal-breaker”. Almost every wayward and most betrayeds use the term deal-breaker for the betrayed persons decision to file for divorce, reconcile, live in limbo, try counseling, etc.
I’m having a bit of a change of religion on this term. The deal was broken the minute my spouse entered into an affair. I had nothing to do with breaking or not breaking any deal. The marriage was gone, as far as I’m concerned, from the minute I found out. My decision wasn’t whether I WAS GOING to break the deal, the decision was whether I was willing to be a part of repairing the damage she caused. The marriage was DOA. I was simply deciding whether I was willing to slap the paddles on our collective chests, or whether I was going to let that corpse be dead.
She chose to break the deal. I did not. I never would have faced that decision if it weren’t for her actions. The term should be deal-saver, not deal-breaker. The betrayed either save the deal or they move forward. We didn’t break anything, the wayward did.

I like the way that sounds!

You are wise, so very wise. I love it! You truly pulled a perfect description together for that. Showing it to my WS.

Insert clapping hands here! Great perspective and GREAT way to turn an old saying on it's head to reflect the truth!

I see your point. I guess I always looked at it as the action (the A) was a dealbreaker or not a dealbreaker depending upon the BS perspective. In other words it was up to us to decide. We could not control our WS actions but we do control how we respond. It is empowering to consider your judgment is the one that says yea/nay on whether it is a dealbreaker.

I see what you're saying, but I look at it this way.

The marriage is the "deal." It's not broken yet, because we are trying to reconcile. However, the M will be broken if my WH does certain things (like continues the A), or does not do certain things (like breaking NC, not being transparent, etc.)

That's why I call them "deal breakers."