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bionicgal posted 2/13/2014 16:17 PM

I am wondering how often BSes think of the AP after dday, and when that starts to get better. I also wonder if it is worse in the case of a double betrayal. (i.e. the AP was a friend.)

I hate to admit it, but at almost 9-months out, I think about the AP all the time. I think about whether I'll run into her at the grocery store, I think about whether she is working or not, I think about whether she is thinking about my H, or what she thinks about the whole situation now. I hold imaginary conversations in my head, where I tell her the "truth" of what happened (I do that a lot - especially when I am driving.) When I am in the kitchen, I think about what a better cook I am than her (ha), and I even think about her in the shower, because she was known for taking long showers.


So, this isn't about her, really. She is a symbol for the hurt I feel, as one of the people who hurt me. I don't miss her - not in the least, and I don't really fear her intrusion into my life again -- not rationally. (Perhaps my heart is another matter.)

So, how do I deal with this? Should I challenge myself when I catch myself thinking about her, to allow that thought to pass without focusing on it? I'd seriously like to go a whole day without thinking about her/the affair. It is such a huge waste of time. I'd really like to release part of it -- it is probably too early to be healed from it, but any ideas over what I can do to move her out. of. my. mind?


[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:19 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 2/13/2014 16:26 PM

4.5 years. Double betrayal. I do still think of her. Not everyday.

She is a cautionary tale. A tale of ego vs. self worth. I am not at full forgiveness, though there are days where I forgive her and days where I hate her. It's probably based on how well I slept the night before and maybe the way my hair is cooperating...who knows. I just know that she hurt me, that I can choose to learn from it with each new day, or I can bury it, or I can carry it. Like all things in life, I have to make the choice as it presents itself.

I do know that early on, my attempts to resist my feelings were a colossal waste of energy. I no longer compare myself to her, I look for the signals I must have sent, that allowed her to believe she could betray me with ease. i look to see where I failed to see the ultimate solution to the equation of our so-called friendship.

Looking back, I see that I never liked or respected her in the first place. Because the first opportunity I had to take her down, I took. I think it may have been the same for her.

while I should probably clarify what I mean by that, I think I'll leave it open ended. I didn't like the things she stood for, and as soon as she provided me with the opportunity to expose her, I took it without hesitation. That is something I can not deny.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 4:31 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 16:28 PM

UGH! so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. Unfortunately I am not going to be able to be of any help because I am EXACTLY the same way, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
I do believe that our thoughts (are you sure you are not in my hear? These are exactly the same as the one I am preoccupied with throughout the day) about the AP are related to the fact that they were once our "friend." Regarding the blocking on FB (from earlier post), I have been working in IC on why I continue to check even though, like you, I do trust that my husband is completely and totally through with her. We are looking at the betrayal aspect of it. Anyway, I do hope that we are able to move past this soon so that we truly do have them out of our lives!!

roses303 posted 2/13/2014 16:32 PM

Double betrayal here to. It is only 7 months for me and I think about her everyday. I truly thought she was my oldest closest friend, the one who you could call up after years apart and start right where you left off. But for 8 years she had not felt that way about me. She wanted my husband, and not my friendship. So my thought of her are as much, if not more, about the betrayal of the friendship than of the affair.

So much of our history is aligned, college, and marriage and babies, that I don't think she will ever be gone from my thoughts. I need her gone but I'm hoping someday to push her into some corner of my consciousness so that she no longer causes pain.

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/13/2014 16:34 PM

So devastating Roses303; It just makes you wonder if she is actually human!

musiclovingmom posted 2/13/2014 17:29 PM

We're just a few days shy of 19 months out. OW2 was my friend (since 5th grade) and OW1 had been an acquaintance since jr high. I think of them sometimes, but not everyday anymore. At 9 months, I was much the same as you. I'm a focus on the positive kind of person. I finally got to a place where I told myself that it was irrational to fret about them and actually hurting me more. I was tired of letting them hurt and control me in any way. So, I made myself stop. I got up, went where I wanted, did what I wanted and any time thoughts of them tried to creep up on me, I basically gave them the mental version of F You and went on about my business. I had to accept that I'm likely to run into them somewhere, sometime and stop fretting about the inevitable. I had to really realize that saying ANYTHING to either of them would not suddenly make them understand their wrongs and force them into being better humans. I literally transferred them to a different memory category. Instead of thinking of them as a friend who had hurt me, I had to transition them to the 'somebody I used to know' category - which happens to be full of hundreds of people who I've had contact with in my life but are no longer significant (and sometimes never were). Idk if any of that is helpful for you, but I can tell you that I have found great relief in getting to this point.

rachelc posted 2/13/2014 17:32 PM

every day. And I had never met these women. But its less and less.

roses303 posted 2/13/2014 17:37 PM

Musiclovingmom, that is really good to hear . I hope I can get to that place some day.

steadfast1973 posted 2/13/2014 18:01 PM

I don't think about EAP that much, and i hadn't been thinking about the hooker for a few days... Then... Today, i started having mind movies again... I hadn't for almost a month... Maybe because I actually met her two weeks ago.

Lovedyoumore posted 2/13/2014 18:20 PM

Wish I could forget her. I just saw the OW on national TV this past Sunday night. She really does pop up everywhere. I watched it with my H who was disgusted with it. Watching it together was progress. A year ago we would have turned it off and both of us would have silently brooded over it. Now, we watched, discussed it civilly, had a laugh or two at her, and let it go.

bionicgal posted 2/13/2014 18:22 PM

That is awesome to hear. I am realizing that I feel that way about 20% of the time now. . . but then I find myself having the urge to drive by her house, etc. I did block her on FB, and that feels good.

It is weird - it has nothing to do with her per se, it is what she represents. (Fear of losing my family/husband, of being betrayed, and of being in the dark.)

TheGarden posted 2/13/2014 18:34 PM

You and I have similar DDays and a similar backstory, including the double betrayal.

Unfortunately, I still think about the OW every day as well. I never got any closure with her, so it's actually more problematic for me now than is stuff with my husband.

I have moved past anger and am now in depression. Every day I try to figure out why a "friend" would have done such a thing to me. I feel pretty shitty about it on a regular basis. It's also scaring me off trying to make any friends in my new city. I mean, I literally feel sick to my stomach when I think about trying to be friends with another woman again. I have some pretty terrible PTSD about the OW, almost more than about what my husband did. She blindsided me too, lied and kept secrets and manipulated me while pretending to care for me for years, and it really injured me emotionally. I have nightmares about her on a weekly basis.

Also, she and her husband were integral parts of our life for five years. 3/4 of the activities and cultural stuff that was part of my identity is now all associated with them. Literally everything I used to love makes me trigger, including music, movies, activities, etc, because it ALL reminds me of them and all our shared memories. It's absolutely sickening. I feel like I not only lost my marriage and my friendships, but most of my identity as a person and half a decade of my life.

I guess eventually it all will fade with time, but because of the fact that there was no explanation, apology, or interest in my welfare after DDay it's a lot more difficult for me to work through than are issues in my marriage.

The old adage, "don't let the AP take up head space" is just not reasonable when you're talking about a double betrayal. You not only have to deal with your spouse's infidelity, but also the infidelity of the person who should have been your strongest support during a crisis.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 6:39 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

rachelc posted 2/13/2014 18:50 PM

it has nothing to do with her per se, it is what she represents. (Fear of losing my family/husband, of being betrayed, and of being in the dark.)

Bionicgal- you just put into words what I think when I see either OW... Fear of all this but what to do about it....
Thank you!

somanyyears posted 2/13/2014 19:10 PM

..nearly 5 years out from D-Day #2 (April2009) and 27 years out from D-Day #1 (May1987)

..pretty much blocked bfOM from my mind from '87 until '09.. when I got the whole horrible truth.

..since '09, he's been in my thoughts every single day.. without exception.. even though I found out he died in '06 (brain tumour at 57 y.o.)

..I even take time to visit his grave when I'm in Toronto.. for some strange co-incidence I always have to take a piss when I arrive.. must have a bladder problem eh??


IsthereEVERanend posted 2/13/2014 19:23 PM

23 years out and I still think of the bum. Then, I walk past him in various stores around town every so often. He avoids me or won't make eye contact. I do.
I also wonder if my fww ever thinks about him too. I'm sure they have crossed paths because of the small town we live in.

[This message edited by IsthereEVERanend at 7:38 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Lethealbegin posted 2/13/2014 19:56 PM

Hi! Double beytral also. I am almost three years out. I have recently been having a lot of triggers about her. So she is at the top of my mind which I hate!!! Now I properly think of her daily although since the triggers have been coming lately I think about her most of the day on and off. I was better before the triggers. I am sure once the triggers stop I will get better. But I wanted to let you know that it does get better. They will always be with us because of what they have done personally to us. I still to this day wonder why a friend would do this to me. But then again I have to remember that my xfriend is really mentally ill. The things she did before the A and during the A and after only shows me that! You can not wrap your head around crazy. Remember YOU can go any where in your town and hold your head up high. If you run into her I am sure you will make it through it with your self respect in hand! I dream about seeing her in a store where a lot of people are and yell lock up your husband the Town whore slut cum dumpster is here!! And point her out. Before she runs out of the store!!! But I have a lot of Integrity for myself. I would not take that away from myself for such a LOW LIFE! Now I would properly try to approach her and say I hope you are getting the help you need if not for you for your poor children!!!

Remember you are good!!! You are caring and etc... She will NEVER be ANY of THAT!! That is something to be proud of!!


karmahappens posted 2/14/2014 05:25 AM

It took me a long time to find SI (almost 5 years)

When I did find it the one thing that hung over my head was the OW. She was my "friend" too. She was the one piece of the A I couldn't reconcile. I thought of her daily.

I wondered how she could do what she did. I picked her apart. I waited for Karma. My feelings ran from grief to sadness to anger and even hate. With every feeling that ran through my mind there was always the little whisper of why...I could never shake it.

I struggled so much with her and the whys and hows for so long. I couldn't let it or her go. Maybe it was that I wouldn't let her go.

I spent so much time waiting. Waiting for a phone call, a letter, an apology. Something that would let me know she cared about what she had done to me. That it hurt her to wake up and see she was along for the ride that stopped my life in it's tracks.

That day never came.

I was able to talk about her on SI and ask about why I couldn't forgive her. Why the pain seemed so much worse than what my husband had done to me.

I got the best advice of course. Let her go, retrain your mind to not think about her, she means nothing. Slowly it started to happen. I quietly moved from constant pain and thinking about her to less and less time. I don't know how much longer it was but I finally got to a point where she didn't hurt me. Thoughts of her no longer mattered, what she was doing, who she was with, her kids, ex-husband. I let them go.

It was one of the best times I have had through R, finally realizing I didn't have to be strangled by those feelings any longer.

I continued with IC focusing on my childhood and the traumas I had that I carried into my adult life. I was pretty broken. Lots of FOO crap. I started seeing a correlation between my pain and what she also went through as a child. I knew we carried much of the same baggage. I recognized the ways I hurt myself through the years, the hurt and pain I allowed myself to carry through were all pieces of the damage I carried as a child. And she carried it too. I began to see her differently and slowly came to understand that she is just a broken woman. I pity her, feel bad for her pain and hope she finds her way one day. Forgiveness came quietly through a back door and I am good with that. It softened my heart, allowed me to cry over her, for her and for what I thought we used to have.

I no longer have her pain holding me hostage and finding the way out of that was enormous for me. I never expected to forgive. It happened slowly over time, with my own healing.

It may have taken forever but perhaps I needed to come to forgiveness because I had to understand the broken pieces that live in us all, including me.

I apologize for the length....

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:28 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

wert posted 2/14/2014 08:24 AM

You know a few months ago I decided I needed to find a way to release myself of those thoughts altogether. So I needed something to tell myself, a redirect, when I they pop into my brain because you can't control you thoughts...

I have given myself the freedom to beat the OM down if I see him. If I don't see him, I wish him well. If I do, I will just beat him down until someone stops me. It has worked for me.

I really neither hope I see him or I don't, but the fact that I am comfortable with my plan gives me comfort.

Make a plan you are comfortable with and the let it go knowing you have already thought it through when the thoughts come.

Right after d-day I don't think it is really possible to stop the thoughts and redirect, but at some point down the road, I think it unhealthy to continue to think about them. I think a way to redirect you thoughts, telling yourself you have already played those greatest hits to many times and given that person anymore of your time and/or energy is hurting you, not them.

I'd seriously like to go a whole day without thinking about her/the affair. It is such a huge waste of time.

I think we all would. I'm not sure it works like that. IMO you, for yourself need to figure out what label and box you put her in. What is the story of the two of you? Write that story once and for all and move on. We all will have our own versions and they should be consistent with our values. I'm good with mine.

but any ideas over what I can do to move her out. of. my. mind?

I am not sure we always choose what's in our minds and what thoughts pop up. It's how we handle those that matter.

take care...

Deeply Scared posted 2/14/2014 09:17 AM


Please leave the name-calling out of the Recon forum, this forum is not for OP venting.

Thank you.

veronique12 posted 2/14/2014 09:29 AM

Just wanted you to know that I'm in the same boat and I really appreciate you posting and everyone responding to this. It's a day to day, heck sometimes minute to minute, struggle to keep AP out. Double betrayal is exquisitely painful and it's so hard not to keep going over the hows and whys.

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