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I'm so fucking scared.

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libertyrocks posted 2/13/2014 17:21 PM

I need to get rid of the toxic man in my life, more importantly, the toxic father of my boys.

I keep thinking no one will want me. A divorced 35 year old with two little boys. Why am I so scared. Please help me understand.

justjim posted 2/13/2014 17:28 PM

Try to relax. You are much more "marketable" than you think.

I went through this already. I'm 57. I figured that my life as someone's partner was over.

Who'd want an old man whose wife screwed around on him?

Truth is, several ladies... nice ladies, have shown interest already.

This could turn out to be another adventure!

Don't keep drinking poison just because you're not sure the wine will be sweet.

gahurts posted 2/13/2014 17:34 PM

Libertyrocks,

I had the same thoughts. I'm 50. I certainly didn't want to start over again at 49 when it all went down. I knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Well I dated a few women and have been dating GF for a year now and we are growing stronger together. Take the steps you need to do what you know in your heart is right. You can get through this and it does get better. None of us know what the future has in store for us. You just have to keep pushing through to get there.

libertyrocks posted 2/13/2014 17:53 PM

Thanks guys. I just keep thinking who the heck's gonna want to take boys that aren't biologically theirs to the park, and dinner and birthday parties. Or, brush their teeth and hear them scream/fight/play/etc. I'm prepared to do this all on my own. I guess I have no other choice right now. Or, move in with my loving, supportive parents who have extra rooms...ugh.

kg201 posted 2/13/2014 17:55 PM

Liberty, there are men out there, like myself, who are looking specifically for divorced or separated women with children. When I began on OLD (on-line dating) last fall those were the profiles I searched for because I wanted to find a woman who may have had similar experiences as mine. I wanted to find a woman who already had kids, and wasn't going to want more. I wanted to find a woman who had a sense of what it means to be married, and did not hold marriage up as a fantasy, rather than the mutual give and take that it is.

So don't be scared. Just on the little bit you wrote you would already have made it through my OLD screen. Good luck to you.

mj052 posted 2/13/2014 17:58 PM

Because change is frightening!! I'm also so fucking sad!! Even sadder for my two boys- they deserved so much better than a pathological liar and a serial cheat of a father!! It absolutely breaks my heart!!

I've been with my wh for 33 years- since I was 17 and he used to be my very best friend!! Now- he's my worst enemy but only pretends to want us!! And I'm scared to be on my own- but I'm more frightened to live with someone who has no problem betraying me and dis-respecting me!! So- my choice is obvious and so is yours!!

You deserve so much better!! And one day one lucky man will make you so incredibly happy- you'll forget the scumbag's name!!

Sending you strength- hugs and prayers!!!

libertyrocks posted 2/13/2014 18:08 PM

Your words of encouragement have lifted my spirits everyone. Thank you. Damn right, change is scary!! I think I need a big push, not a nudge to get the ball rolling.

Yes, it would be cool if I could eventually find a guy who has similar situation...

Nature_Girl posted 2/13/2014 18:08 PM

Gently, this needs to be something you simply don't give ANY headspace to right now. You must not get distracted or make important life decisions by made-up pretend problems that don't even exist.

Deal with what's on your plate now. You have an abusive, alcoholic husband. You're repeating the cycle of abuse year after year, modeling dysfunction for your sons. They are gonna grow up to be just like their dad because that's all they know and you are showing them that it's okay to treat women that way. Deal with THAT. What are you going to do about THAT?

libertyrocks posted 2/13/2014 18:17 PM

Nature girl, I need your help, I don't know how to do this. How did you do it?? How did you leave?? Did you kick him out?? I'm not sure if I should just leave without him knowing, when lease is up in April or just kick him out asap!!! There's so much involved. I have to work 12 hour days and he drops the boys off at his moms when they wake up around 8am, then in afternoon, drops them off at my moms. I can't do this working 35 miles away from home. I leave the house at 6am and get home at 6pm to provide for them.

And, for the record, I'm thinking about dating in the future, Lord knows not now!!!! That wouldn't be healthy. I'm just stating my fears, that's all.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:19 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

h0peless posted 2/13/2014 18:26 PM

I'm a man in your age group and children would not be a dealbreaker if I were to start a relationship with someone as long as they were willing to put up with my dogs.

PhoenixRising88 posted 2/13/2014 18:28 PM

Thanks guys. I just keep thinking who the heck's gonna want to take boys that aren't biologically theirs to the park, and dinner and birthday parties.

Liberty, let me share a story with you. My mom and dad divorced in 2000 after 30 years of marriage due to my father's multiple infidelities, among other things. My mom was 50 when this happened. And was convinced she'd be alone the rest of her life.

Fourteen years later, she's been happily remarried since 2002 to our stepdad, an AMAZING man we lovingly call "Poppy". My sister and I were grown and out on our own and having kids of our own when mom and dad split. When Mom met Poppy, that man inherited us all - two grown daughters and two grandbabies at that time under the age of two. And he, having never been around kids before, dived right in, changing subsequent grandbabies' diapers and playing with and feeding them, and being just an absolute rock for my sister and I, like he'd been doing it for years. And anytime someone asks him about his family he proudly says "I have two daughters and four amazing grandchildren". The word "step" never even occurs to him.

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 6:48 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

IrishLass518 posted 2/13/2014 18:46 PM

I saw myself the same way as you but 10 years older. So, I figured if I wasn't sure that I was good enough to attract any decent men, then I wasn't going to attract any decent men. It's all in the way you see yourself. I consciously chose to not date. I want to be the best me for me. I wanted to be able to be alone and totally confident in myself and my ability to be an individual. I really needed to break the co dependency so I don't attract men who NEED co dependent women.
I think that maybe someday I might find a nice guy again and then I really won't NEED to be with him, I'll get to be with him because I just WANT to.

SBB posted 2/13/2014 19:06 PM

I was scared of the same thing. I was 36 on DD with a 4 year old and an 18m old. The future UNKNOWN was scary until I realised I should be more scared if the KNOWN future for me and my girls if I continued that toxic relationship.

Being aloe forever is nowhere near as scary as being cheated on and emotionally abuse for even a few more years.

I'm the same as kg, I won't date someone without kids because I don't want any more and I also need someone who has a big life, as I have a big life.

I won't be ready to date for quite a while yet. Because I'm still healing, because I'm still mourning, because my girls are still so little and because I need time to work out who I am and what I want before I can invite someone into my world.

itainteasy posted 2/14/2014 09:06 AM

My dad left us (after cheating on my mother for a long, long time) when I was 5.


My mother remarried my stepfather, when I was 10, but he'd been in our lives since I was 7. He knew he was getting an instant family, and he didn't care. He loved us.

There are men like that out there. You will find one when you're really ready.

ideservebetter45 posted 2/14/2014 10:13 AM

Ok..I knew a woman who found out her ex was leaving her for the OW.She was pregnant,had a 2 year old,4year old and a six year old.She also had a STD (the gift that keeps on giving).She remarried an awesome man who took on her kids and loved them as his own.They also had 2 more children.Still married today and very happy.Keep your chin up! There are some good people out there and im sure your a great catch!!

RealityStinks posted 2/14/2014 10:17 AM

As a soon-to-be 30 year old without kids, I can assure you that there are men out there that will be a father to your kids even though they are not biologically theirs. If I meet a woman with kids one day, I will not "hold that against her". Just be upfront and honest with them. If they run, you don't need them.

libertyrocks posted 2/14/2014 11:19 AM

You all are so kind for sharing and I thank you. I now have the strength and confidence I needed to move forward. I kicked him out last night with my army backing me up. Thanks, Nature Girl.

StillLivin posted 2/14/2014 11:24 AM

I kicked him out last night with my army backing me up

Hallelujah! I'm sorry you are here. But I'm proud of you for taking action and standing up for yourself.

You are going to make it. Fear is normal, just don't let it paralyze you! There are much worse things than fear to fear!!!!!!

Nature_Girl posted 2/14/2014 11:32 AM

We're all here for you!

Artemisia posted 2/14/2014 11:33 AM

Amazing strength, Liberty. We're all rooting for you.

I agree with you. Stepping out alone on a new path has provided me with the most sustained fear I've ever felt.

Just to reiterate what other people said: I've learned and now know dating is totally out of the question for me right now, and generally not even in my mind. But like you, I hope one day down the road to date again, and it does add to my fears of the future.

Let me just say that I am 33 with no children. Considering that I really need a couple years to heal and work on myself before I even think about seriously partnering, I am facing the idea that I may not be able to have kids of my own. I truly would love to one day meet a man who already has kids, and be given the privilege of having them be a part of my family. I believe this is a non-issue for you, even though the fear feels so real.

Focus on you and your healing! We're here for you.

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