Who is it really for? His stepsister-- DS #1 is her "fourth grade buddy." All of the kindergarteners have fourth grade buddies who come and visit their classrooms and read to them. The stepsister chose DS #1. I'm sure I should feel all warm and fuzzy about that, but shoot me; I don't. Anyway, the fourth graders made these nice valentines for their kindergartener buddies.
In and of itself, that doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that DS #1 didn't do anything for me (and no, there isn't a surprise forthcoming tomorrow). Basically, if an adult doesn't tell him to do it, DS #1 doesn't bother. A friend told him to make me a birthday card; I doubt he would have bothered on his own. He will be 10 in a couple of months, and I think that's old enough to remember to do something nice for the mother who takes care of your every need, does nice things for you, helps with your homework, etc.
DS #1 troubles me-- he's very like XWH that way. XWH often did nice things for me because his mother told him to; I doubt the ideas would have occurred to him on his own. DS #1 is the same way. As long as I'm giving him what he wants, it's all good, but he doesn't try to extend himself toward others of his own accord. He has to be told to do it or guilted into doing it.
I'm sure he never would have made the card for his stepsister if the teacher hadn't made him do it. But after I sat there and helped him with his class valentines, it never once occurred to him to write me a little something (which he loves to do-- he's constantly doing creative writing; he could certainly have written me a poem).
Like my title mentions... I'm sure my feelings are unreasonable. There were a couple of occasions this week where CommandOwife asserted herself in a motherly role toward DS #1, and it pissed me off. I know that I should be glad that she's nice to him, but don't friggin' tell my child that you love him and are proud of him. You haven't done SHIT toward helping him in his life; you only set him back by helping his father act like a selfish dick.
That's probably where my thoughts are coming from. I hate sharing my kids with XWH and his family, and I hate that I'm left out of this whole life that they have when they're not with me. I know that my kids love me and that I'm important to them, but it's certainly nice when they take a moment to do a little something for me to show that they care. Sometimes, I feel like an old shoe-- the reliable, unglamorous footwear that you stomp around in and don't give much thought to until it wears out.
As for him being treated well by the OW. Would you rather she treated him poorly. I don't love the idea that the OW is around my grandkids and I'm not (3000 miles apart) but at least I know they are happy and that she cares about them. That's all that matters.
You'll always be "MOMMY" no matter what. Don't fret about it.If you start to voice your concerns to him, then you'll put your son 'in the middle'. Believe me you don't want that for him. I was there as a teenager many years ago. Not fun!
I get the hurt. But kids are never as grateful as they ought to be...just ask my folks
DS #1 may have personality tendencies similar to his dad...but you know not to pigeonhole him into that. He may have the tendency but it's no reflection on the love he has for his mom.
I sometimes feel like I'm surrounded by so much selfishness in my life that when I see glimpses of it in my kids, I start to panic. I think that they're going to end up like my XWH and that I'm not doing enough to raise good kids.
I think I need to chill!
You're not a spoiled brat. Far from it. Sometimes things just hurt.
I agree that we strive to raise good, decent, thoughtful people. At the same time, a lot of times they aren't. That doesn't mean they won't be good adults - its just means they're kids and as kids they believe the world revolves around them at all times. It doesn't mean he's going to grow up and be like his father.
I also understand the whole idea of feeling like an old shoe. That hurts too. They may kick you around a bit and wear you out sometimes, but they will never, ever throw you away. Reliable is good - that's what they expect from their moms. I'd rather be the one they know they can count on rather than the one they won't ever fully trust.
Saying that, I have not gotten a gift of any kind since my mother passed away. It hurts. My DD usually makes me a b-day card but no present. And no presents at xmas. It hurts.
I hope you're feeling better now. Just getting it out helps dissolve those little streses.
Your son doesn't either.
(((big Valentine hugs)))
don't friggin' tell my child that you love him and are proud of him. You haven't done SHIT toward helping him in his life; you only set him back by helping his father act like a selfish dick.
I know the popular view is "be glad OW is nice to your kids, it's better than the alternative." Well you know what? It is bullshit. The worst thing about infidelity is that these fucking homewreckers get to come into our lives, tear apart our families, and then get to play fake fucking happy family and prance around with our kids like stepparents of the year because they are "nice" to the very kids whose families that they invaded and dropped a nuclear bomb on. Fuck that. And fuck commandowife and her Ashley Madison profile making abilities. She is a terrible example of a human being and an even worse example to her kids.
My 14-year-old is awfully good, a sweet boy, and he adores and relies on his mom -- but it does not occur to him to make me a card for any occasion. My H reminds (and re-reminds) him. The only time I did not get a card from him at all was during the A (DD was three days after valentines. Then again, I didn't get anything from H that Val day either. First time ever...)
Your boy does love you.
sparky, as ever, I appreciate your view on the AP. It's frustrating that I'm supposed to feel grateful that she doesn't lock my kids in cages. The very least she can do is be nice to my kids. She's already contributed to hurting them enough.