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MadeOfScars posted 2/13/2014 18:54 PM

I was just posting earlier how I was feeling surprisingly good despite this situation. Then I got home, started thinking, and started missing her so very much. Once again, happy memories began filling the screen in my mind as if I were watching a movie montage of what once was.

Hold up. That woman I remember is gone. Gone. That woman I fondly remember simply would not have done this to me. She looks the same. She sounds the same. She works at the same job, answers to the same name, has the same family. But the woman I loved is gone. How do I know?

The woman I loved would not have given herself to another.

The woman I loved would not have had 0 problem lying to my face.

The woman I loved would not have been so self-absorbed as to make this all about what she wants and needs at my expense.

The woman I loved would have been honest with me, and we would have talked, worked it out, whatever the problem.

The woman I loved would not have up and left in a flash, leaving all momentos of our departed son behind.

The woman I loved would have seen how incredibly cruel it is that she can make a clean break while leaving me with our house, our belongings, and constant reminders of what once was.

The woman I loved would not have stabbed the knife in my back, let alone twist it over and over until the wound was too much to ever heal right.

The woman I loved would not have been so incredibly selfish.

The woman I loved would not have even sightly insinuated this is my fault. It is 100% on her.

So yeah, I will have these feelings where I miss her. When that happens, I can look back at posts like this and realize this is whats best for me. Fuck her.

It's natural to miss what was once so good. You can stay in the past or move forward. I know what I need to do. I hope you all can find resolve in the same.

nowiknow23 posted 2/13/2014 18:59 PM

((((SoulHurts)))) Good reminders there. It does get better, honey. I want you to know that and remember it when the rollercoaster takes a dip.

It gets So. Much. Better.

NeedsHope posted 2/13/2014 19:05 PM

I'm sorry. It is painful. I have a list on my wall of everything he did that was despicable and subhuman to remind me of what he is capable of doing when I get sad and/or miss him which is more often than not. The person I loved would not have done those things and so I have to grieve for what I lost. It is a loss.

Merlin posted 2/13/2014 19:36 PM

I realized sometime back that I was in love with my memories.

The woman I loved and married was long gone.

MadeOfScars posted 2/13/2014 19:46 PM

I keep coming back to song lyrics. My attention has remained mainly on harder/louder rock music because, well, anger. Heard this song on the way home and I think it fits here:

"Move On" by Devour the Day

I will never reason with myself in your defense
Or try to see your twisted point of view
The judge and the jury already let the gavel fall
Court is out, there’s nothing I can do
And it is not a question of belief on your behalf
I think it is your word that bleeds the doubt
And like a wound that never feels, infected from within
I won’t survive if I don’t bleed you out

You wear me out and hold me back
I don’t want to be tied down
I’m not done fighting yet
I know I’ve gotta move, move on
No, I’m not done fighting yet

Cable cords and metaphors can’t make a person care
The intervention I was praying for
Regardless of some clever words I write in my despair
I notice you’re not listening anymore

You wear me out and hold me back
I don’t want to be tied down
I’m not done fighting yet
I know I’ve gotta move, move on
No, I’m not done fighting yet

I won’t let myself forget
The fucked up things you did

You wear me out and hold me back
I don’t want to live that way
And I don’t want to be like that
I know I’ve gotta move, move on
No, I’m not done fighting yet

No, I’m not done fighting
I’m not done fighting yet

NIK; Thank you

((((NeedsHope))))

Merlin: I couldn't put it better, tragic and sad as it is.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 7:47 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

TrustedHer posted 2/13/2014 19:53 PM

Bumper sticker:

I still miss my Ex.
But my aim is improving...

Seriously, it does get better. It takes time and separation.

IrishLass518 posted 2/13/2014 20:02 PM

It gets way better and trust me here, your STBX will help hurry this process along. They are just that full of themselves, they will burn bridges that they will want to pass over again one day.

StillLivin posted 2/13/2014 21:13 PM

I started a list of all the things that should have been deal breakers, but I had a forgiving heart.
I'm on page three and only at the halfway point of our M.
When I start to get too sad, I take a look at the list. After a while, it jogs my memory and I start writing another one down.
After the first page, I really saw who he really was. There were times in the M that his mask came off, but he put it back on so fast, I thought I had imagined it. But as the list grows, I see more clearly and know I wasn't crazy. Putting it in black and white was so enlightening. I couldn't deny anymore who he really has been all along.

norabird posted 2/13/2014 22:34 PM

I envy you for being able to shut down those feelings! I feel like I just sink into this pit of sadness over what he did, all the awful things, compared to the good things which were so plentiful and meant so much to me and seemed so good and true. Where is the man I loved and was he always a pod person?! I guess I just need to try and borrow some of your 'fuck him' attitude and focus forward.

LifeIsBroken posted 2/14/2014 09:17 AM

Needs Hope: If I were to make a list of all the lies, betrayals, dishonors, disrespects brought on by xh just in the last two yrs of our M, it would no longer be a list - it would be WALLPAPER.

nekorb posted 2/14/2014 19:58 PM

I miss my husband and WH hasn't even moved out yet. But this person that is here...is not my husband.

It's so incredibly sad.

Lost15 posted 2/14/2014 22:27 PM

A friend of mine use to tell everyone her ex was dead when they asked about him. When I am missing stbxh I think of this and how true it really is. The man that I loved is no longer here, he is someone else because the man I loved would have never done what he has done to his family.

SBB posted 2/14/2014 22:36 PM

This is a beautiful post.

I've reminded myself of these same things many many times on this road to healing.

The man I loved would not have done any of this. Most of my list has nothing to do with the infidelities.

Post DD I told the sad clown that I felt like he killed my husband. I don't feel that way anymore - the guy I thought I married only existed in my head. He was always this other guy under that great guy mask.

[This message edited by SBB at 2:58 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

BAB61 posted 2/14/2014 23:42 PM

My initial reaction was to think "buahahaha, as if" .. but then ... reading the post and the replies I realize I miss who I thought he was, who he represented himself to be, the façade of lies that I bought into. Just knowing how much he lied to me, makes me not miss him anymore.

FTG!! Woooohooo!!!

NeedsHope posted 2/15/2014 08:11 AM

LifeIsBroken: wallpaper?

I am on a second page unfortunately.

Pass posted 2/15/2014 10:03 AM

Post DD I told the sad clown that I he killed my husband. I don't feel that way anymore - the guy I thought I married only existed in my head. He was always this other guy under that great guy mask.

That's how I'm seeing it too. At first I was wondering what made her change so completely. But I eventually realized that The Princess was never who I thought she was. I was conned from Day #1.

You're on the right road now, SoulHurts. It's a shitty old dirt track in the beginning, but it keeps getting better. Someday we'll all be out cruising on the freeway.

Abbondad posted 2/15/2014 10:11 AM

Well said, Soul (and everyone). Good insights. Two days ago I found myself crying, I missed my family so intensely. I would give anything to turn back time to a mere two years ago and find myself in bed with my wife and kids, laughing and reading to them. But it's gone. She became a stranger. She died and then killed me. But I'm getting better and stronger; the days I grieve are getting farther and farther apart. But I believe the damage is so profound I will never quite get over it. Yet, that is life. (Pained shrug.)

Strength to everyone.