"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

TattoodChinaDoll posted 2/13/2014 22:23 PM

That's what he told me today as an excuse for his actions. So you don't like me telling you what to do to NOT TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. So you have to hurt me to fight me telling you how not hurt me. You ask me what you should be doing. You ask me to help you. And I have. I tell you what hurts and why. I tell you what I need and why. What are you? A 4 year old???!!?! If you knew it wouldn't look ridiculous I bet you'd stomp your feet and say that at the same time. So sorry I tell you how not to hurt me. Gah!

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:24 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

BAB61 posted 2/14/2014 00:02 AM

Maybe Dr Sears' techniques would work on da wittle baybee?

Nature_Girl posted 2/14/2014 00:21 AM

I heard the same tripe from my ex. He didn't like being told what to do, he didn't like me having expectations of his behavior. That included him performing sexually on our wedding night. He refused to do anything with me that night because I expected it. He would not be told what to do, not by me, not by society.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 2/14/2014 00:45 AM

Is it any wonder that I had to tell him the other day that he was acting exactly like our 4 year old DD? I have to remember that intelligence doesn't mean emotional intelligence.

steadfast1973 posted 2/14/2014 06:00 AM

He refused to do anything with me that night because I expected it.

Sounds like classic Oppositional Defiant Disorder to me.

solus sto posted 2/14/2014 07:40 AM

If he doesn't like being told what to do, perhaps he might consider, for himself, what needs to be done, and to DO IT WITHOUT PROMPTING.

Does he think that YOU like telling him what to do?!

I'm pretty sure that you didn't envision marriage as an oppositional exercise in raising a man-baby. I know it's not what I signed on for.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:41 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 2/14/2014 07:52 AM

If he doesn't like being told what to do, perhaps he might consider, for himself, what needs to be done, and to DO IT WITHOUT PROMPTING.

Ding, ding, ding. It's a lovely little concept called being proactive.

Sounds like classic Oppositional Defiant Disorder to me.

Totally looked that up to see if it was a legit disorder. Thought you were using fancy words for Jerkitis.

NaiveAgain posted 2/14/2014 07:54 AM

I heard the same tripe from my ex.

Apparently this is almost universal because my WS told me the same stuff also. He felt that I was unfairly restraining him from giving females rides to and from work in his car. So he had a classic temper tantrum and decided to do what he wanted to do. And lie and hide it.

You know, I don't like being told what to do either, but sometimes adults have to do what they are supposed to do, and if they don't, someone is going to tell them to grow up and act like an adult. I don't like that I HAVE to go the speed limit and I HAVE to abide by all the laws but I realize, as an adult, that if I don't, I will get a ticket or some consequences.

He can do what he wants to do, but the consequences are losing me. So actually, that makes it a choice, right?

TattoodChinaDoll posted 2/14/2014 08:00 AM

But get told by the OW to cheat on your wife and 3 children (one was a month old) then SUUUURRRRREEEEE!!!!! SMH.

This isn't just being told to not cheat on me. I'm telling him to stop hurting me and how. But he has to do it his way which is only adequate for him.

itainteasy posted 2/14/2014 08:50 AM

Crying about not liking being told what to do, and then ASKING you what he should do are completely contradictory.

How can you answer his question, WITHOUT telling him what to do?

You can't. He's setting you up to fail.

He KNOWS what not to do. He knows what TO do. He just wants to be able to make your pain, your fault.

(((((TCD))))))

TattoodChinaDoll posted 2/14/2014 09:07 AM

Contradictory is a great word to describe what he does. I tell him this: Your words betray your words. Your actions betray your actions. Your words betray your actions. And your actions betray your words.

StillLivin posted 2/14/2014 09:33 AM

Sounds like Timetomanup needs to actually man up before time runs out.
My STBWXH said the same shit. I told him that I was NOT telling HIM what to do. I was telling him what I would do if the BS continued. I was also telling him what I wouldn't put up with. He had a choice, to make me happy or to leave. I cannot tell him which to do, but one of the two was all he was getting.
He's gone. I'm getting happier. Today, not so much with all these reminders that I gave my heart to an asswhole, but I am getting happier.
Only you know when enough is enough though. For your sake, I really hope he gets his head out of his fourth point of contact (a$$).

JanaGreen posted 2/14/2014 09:58 AM

Sounds exactly like what used to come out of my husband's mouth before he realized I was giving up on the marriage. I'm sorry TTCD.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 2/14/2014 10:00 AM

He is never going to get his head out of his ass. That would require him to drop the selfish behaviors. This is so stupid. Trying with him is stupid. He can show OW what she is worth to him. But to get him to show me, and be consistent with his words and actions, he acts like I have him strapped to a chair pulling his teeth. I keep on saying...relationships are work. But I don't think loving someone (who you say you want to grow old with) should be this damn difficult. I deserve so much more. And he sure as hell doesn't deserve me.

ETA: I need to 180 his ass. The anger and my big mouth is getting the best of me at the moment.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:01 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

StillLivin posted 2/14/2014 10:02 AM

Honey, I know you don't want to hear this, but it's time to implement 180. You may need to step away from the relationship and let him step up. You cannot save the M all by yourself. You will just be spinning your wheels.
I've followed your posts. I'm really sorry.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 2/14/2014 10:36 AM

Just thinking back to our entire relationship and realizing all the times he has hurt me it's been the same thing. Me communicating what I needed and him fighting me on every little thing. It has to be his way. And if his way is not doing anything then that was that. And no kind of communication worked with him. So when I finally got frustrated or treated him the way he treated me (like yelling back after he yelled at me), he would go on to point out all that I'm doing wrong and how it makes HIM feel. It's the same thing now. Nothing is going to work. And I WILL NOT accept what he thinks is adequate. I will not accept what he has to give. Because I'm worth more than that. But of course he is going to turn that all around on me. Like I'm being the difficult one. I would tell him to go f&$k himself but that would be telling him what to do.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 2/14/2014 10:54 AM

Now I'm just thinking about all the things I want to tell him to do (thank God for SI because this wouldn't be productive if I told him). Like:

Go take a long walk off a short pier
Squirt hot sauce in your eye
Slam your balls in the car door

Or maybe I should tell him not to do it and he will.

norabird posted 2/14/2014 11:48 AM

Go take a long walk off a short pier
Squirt hot sauce in your eye
Slam your balls in the car door

Or maybe I should tell him not to do it and he will.

A good friend always told me: Love shouldn't be that much work. I get that relationships do take work, but if it's you doing all of that work yourself, with a deadweight? Nope.

itainteasy posted 2/14/2014 12:02 PM

(((((((TCD))))))))

solus sto posted 2/14/2014 14:08 PM

Yes, 180.

You say he did not have trouble showing OW what she was worth, but (won't) can't show you what you're worth. An unpleasant thing to consider is this: that he IS showing you what you're worth to him.

It took me a long time to realize, and even longer to accept, that Trac-Fone actually was telling me exactly what I was worth to him.

180. It will help you see if you have anything to work with here.

It's just been too, too long.