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Don't want to start over so I guess I will stay married

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CatchyUsername posted 2/14/2014 03:38 AM

Anyone else feel this way?

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/14/2014 04:27 AM

I did get a bit of that thinking at one point yes.

But- it was much simpler for me: Will my life be happy? YES

Will it be happier with or without FWH in it?

On this basis I decided to stay M and go for R.

ETA Typos

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 4:28 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

olwen posted 2/14/2014 05:01 AM

Yes I did think like that at one point.

One of the reasons I chose to R is I am somehow sure it was down to his midlife crisis and my H who had been faithful for pretty much 18yrs (one on line flirting which we class as an ea but only just) but that was when his mlc started. This short affair and I just figured I knew he was turning back into the man I knew and trusted so my thinking was this...

I am sure this has just been a bad chunk of our lives and things will get better. Do I really want to leave him and let some other woman have my lovely husband when he comes back to his senses? which he did fairly quickly. On my part I also thought what if I start over, meet another man and he cheats worse, or is not so good a man, doesn't treat me as well etc.

It's not a gamble I wanted to take. I am sure H has learned from this and won't do it again. Apart from the A, grumpiness and some laziness in the past he has been a great husband. I don't want to lose that man. I am glad I stayed cos now he is new and improved 99% of the time.

I really don't think there can be many men nicer than him. Anyone can make bad choices. It doesn't make them a bad person. I see my friends relationships and I still think, I got a good one. Even after the A!

Angel177 posted 2/14/2014 05:58 AM

Sometimes I feel that way. I also agree though that when I think about my life with or without fwh I'm almost positive I will be happier with him then without him. I actually think me staying will make me, him, and the kids happier then me leaving. It is really hard right now though...I keep holding on though because it's going to get better I think.

marionwendy posted 2/14/2014 06:12 AM

I feel that way. I cant think in terms of forever right now (like I used to.) I do know that I love him and I believe he loves me. I know he made some very bad choices but like its been said it does not make him a bad person. He is trying, and its been a rough road but its getting better. I liked my life with him. I don't see myself with anyone else and I don't want another woman to have the husband I know he can be again.

MandMs posted 2/14/2014 06:44 AM

Totally!! I was thinking this at the beginning of this wild ride. I wasn't sure if it was over for us or not so I made the decision to not decide yet. And I'm SO glad I did. Olwen hit the nail on the head:

Do I really want to leave him and let some other woman have my lovely husband when he comes back to his senses?

Im so glad I was able to have a little faith and see the good stuff that was still there and not only see all the horrible, shameful, sick stuff he did.

It's my view that people bail too soon sometimes. I get it! Working through this stuff is gut wrenching and so painful and who would want to stick around for that? (of course this wouldn't be true for someone with a WS who is unwilling to R. It does take two willing participants for a successful R)

But my suggestion is this:
Don't leave before the miracle!

So I think it really makes sense to not want to start over! Especially if there is still good stuff there.

devasted30 posted 2/14/2014 07:20 AM

Yes, I feel that way. I am 64 years old and we have been together for almost 31 years. Even during his affairs, we were planning our retirement; our future. I do love him. But, if I was younger, this would have been a deal breaker. He is remorseful, very remorseful and doing everything right. But, there is something we had that is gone now.

AppalachianGal posted 2/14/2014 07:24 AM

I've felt that way since December's D day. I'm 41. Not old but not young either and I don't see anyone good out there anymore. Perhaps I am settling because I am afraid. I don't know. I just know I've been with this man for 26 years now. I can't imagine my life w/o him. Does that mean I will accept another A? Hell no. This could still be a dealbreaker for me, but for today, he is remorseful and I'm here.

olwen posted 2/14/2014 07:32 AM

Can I add another comment please?

I am nervous posting this as I don't want to seem like I am judging people when I am not. This is not to disrespect or offend anyone who choses separation or divorce, it's just an observation I have made about people in my life, friends and acquaintances.

Please please don't think I am judging as every situation is different. For many people it IS the right decision.

I believe a lot of people rush in to it and later regret it. Mostly when they have been together a very long time. I know many people who divorce, meet someone else, separate, meet someone else, separate, maybe remarry again, then divorce. They rarely seem to settle into happy relationships again. Although it does happen of course.

I have spoken to many divorced/separated people who deeply regret their decision. My parents for a start. My Dad died lonely after years of hoping my mum would go back to him whereas my mum has bounced from man to man, even returning to my dad twice in the early years. She eventually remarried a man she is not in love with but who looks after her and is reliable. Not a reason I would marry but each to their own. She has told me since dad's death that her biggest regret was not going back to him and staying.

On the other hand I know a few people who separated shortly after marriage, they both realised they were with the wrong person and they later settled happily into new relationships/marriages and have now been together for years. That seems to be more of a case that they weren't with the right person, rather than being with the right person but choosing to leave because of the tough times, if that makes sense.

My point is, that if you have been together a long time and were happy before things got rough, then I believe it is worth fighting tooth and nail to try and stay together. As long as the A is over of course and both parties are fully committed to R.

Of course if you don't feel you are with the right person it would be the sensible option to leave.

My thinking is that I could never love anyone as much as I love H, we have been together through thick and thin for many years. we are soul mates. I will not give up on that unless I have to because I truly believe I would regret it.

If he did it again though, well, that would be the time to call it a day, without a moments hesitation. Again, that's just my case though. I know everyone is different.

I hope this makes sense and doesn't come across as a load of twaddle lol.

ETA - pretty much what MandMS said, with my own thoughts thrown in.

[This message edited by olwen at 7:54 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

CatchyUsername posted 2/14/2014 08:25 AM

I feel like the "old me" would have a better life without him, but the "new me" is changed...

rachelc posted 2/14/2014 08:30 AM

I understand that people do this. IT seems.....disappointing to me.... as this is where I probably am at.
do I want to share grandparenting and wedding stuff with him being with another woman - no.
We get along great. He is devoted. The trust is back. Yet.... I feel as though I am settling.
But, I am not naive enough to think this doesn't go on in many marriages..probably most of them.

The thought of meeting someone new and being in a new relationship sounds thrilling to me. I yearn for that feeling of limerance/lust/whatever. But it lasts a short time and I'd be back where I started, sure with someone who hasn't cheated on me, but also with someone I don't have 27 years of memories and 4 kids with.

That's why this choice is SO DAMN TOUGH. I'm better off WITH him.. ok, where's my prize then?

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